5 Creepy Dating Site Messages Every Woman Has Received...

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5 Creepy Dating Site Messages Every Woman Has Received...

Postby DamianaRaven » Sat Jan 24, 2015 11:58 pm

Is it just me, or does this woman seem like a bit of a bitch? Here's my personal commentary on the subject:

I'm sorry to say that I didn't enjoy this article as much as I do most of Cracked's content. It seemed more like an angry little tantrum than an enlightened social commentary. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that Ms. Axness is wrong to be frustrated, or even angry about the way some people behave. Even so, her attitudes and beliefs are hardly above reproach.

I don't care if I get an avalanche of downvotes* for saying this, but if you're uncomfortable with people taking a lingering interest in your bisexuality, then maybe don't casually announce it to a whole bunch of strangers right off the bat. I'm bisexual myself and not the least bit ashamed of it, but the only people I feel the need to tell this to are close friends and women I'm interested in dating.

Of course, nothing you've said or done grants ANYBODY a right or excuse to verbally abuse or stalk or sexually harass you. Even so, I didn't see anything abusive about the examples the author posted. It's a widely known (and mostly accepted) fact that a large number of men (quite possibly most of them) are intrigued and aroused by the idea of two women having sex. Unless you are actually ARE looking to have a casual threesome, there is NO REASON your prospective dates need to know this information. If you're trying to stay open to all kinds of relationships, simply use a different dating site to meet women.

I'm sure one of the reasons that men so easily assume that bisexual women are wild nymphomaniacs is because a small number of women will deliberately throw this little detail out to get the attention and admiration of lonely, horny men. Of course, I'm not accusing of Ms. Axness of anything like this and it's important to point out that the VAST majority of bisexual women are NOT being (or claiming to be) bisexual just so men will pay lecherous attention to them. However, this IS happening just often enough to make a certain group of men actually BELIEVE that when a woman announces that she likes having sex with women, she wants to talk about that.

Anyway, my point is that if you don't want people taking an immediate interest in your bisexuality, there's always the option of not making that information part of your dating profile. I'm not saying you have to hide that part of your personality like you're ashamed of it, but neither is it something that needs to be announced to complete strangers, paricularly if they happen to be straight men that you're not planning to fuck in the near future.

In conclusion, I have no philosophical objection to the points that the author is making, but I don't like the snide and childish way she's presenting them. Trust me, women like her can be every bit as much of a degrading pain in the ass to prospective suitors as she's accusing them of being. Just as the internet makes it easier for men to be sleazy and disgusting to women, it also "empowers" the other side to be just as inexcusably rude and hostile to anyone she doesn't like under the pretense of "men are just so creepy and I'm not going to stand for it anymore!"

*I posted this on the Cracked website before sharing it here - even though we don't do downvotes, everyone here is welcome to criticize and contradict my point of view if my opinions are out of line in any way.
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Re: 5 Creepy Dating Site Messages Every Woman Has Received..

Postby LaoWai » Sun Jan 25, 2015 12:23 am

So, I can't actually get the article open and, thus, can't judge about its specific content,However, this raises the interesting question of where lines are drawn. I feel the OP crosses the line. Consider editing it.
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Re: 5 Creepy Dating Site Messages Every Woman Has Received..

Postby DamianaRaven » Sun Jan 25, 2015 12:44 am

LaoWai wrote:I feel the OP crosses the line. Consider editing it.


Elaborate?
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Re: 5 Creepy Dating Site Messages Every Woman Has Received..

Postby JamesT » Sun Jan 25, 2015 1:09 am

Unless you are actually ARE looking to have a casual threesome, there is NO REASON your prospective dates need to know this information. If you're trying to stay open to all kinds of relationships, simply use a different dating site to meet women.


As a bisexual who's tried the whole internet dating thing let me weigh in:

It is vital that you be upfront about your bisexuality for the simple fact that people can be dicks. There are people out there who simply won't accept you for who you are and even if you seem to be compatible in every other way, if you admit to being bisexual some people will simply go "ew lol no" and just stop responding to you. I would much rather this happen at the beginning than after several dates where things seem to be going good.

Second, sexuality is more than just who you have sex with. Think about when you chat about crushes and growing up even in casual asides. If you remain in the closet you are cutting off a huge part of your life that you can talk about. This applies both to casual conversation and to prospective dates even when you wish to remain monogamous.
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Re: 5 Creepy Dating Site Messages Every Woman Has Received..

Postby LaoWai » Sun Jan 25, 2015 1:13 am

DamianaRaven wrote:if you're uncomfortable with people taking a lingering interest in your bisexuality, then maybe don't casually announce it to a whole bunch of strangers right off the bat...

It's a widely known (and mostly accepted) fact that a large number of men (quite possibly most of them) are intrigued and aroused by the idea of two women having sex....

I'm sure one of the reasons that men so easily assume that bisexual women are wild nymphomaniacs is because a small number of women will deliberately throw this little detail out to get the attention and admiration of lonely, horny men...

Anyway, my point is that if you don't want people taking an immediate interest in your bisexuality, there's always the option of not making that information part of your dating profile. I'm not saying you have to hide that part of your personality like you're ashamed of it, but neither is it something that needs to be announced to complete strangers...

Just as the internet makes it easier for men to be sleazy and disgusting to women, it also "empowers" the other side to be just as inexcusably rude and hostile to anyone she doesn't like under the pretense of "men are just so creepy and I'm not going to stand for it anymore!"

Note: I'm cherry-picking the above quotes, partly because I'm not so great at foruming (all these fancy buttons and stuff), and I hope the ellipses don't cause any misrepresentation.

It seems to me, though, that if I were to post the above statements, some folks might label some statements [1,3, 4] as "slut-shaming"; some statements [2] as potentially sexist; some statements [5] as "blaming the victim."

For the record, I'm certainly not saying you shouldn't have your viewpoint, just that it might be better expressed. (Any changes you make to the OP will definitely be changed here, as well.)
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Re: 5 Creepy Dating Site Messages Every Woman Has Received..

Postby FaceTheCitizen » Sun Jan 25, 2015 1:15 am

JamesT wrote:
Unless you are actually ARE looking to have a casual threesome, there is NO REASON your prospective dates need to know this information. If you're trying to stay open to all kinds of relationships, simply use a different dating site to meet women.


As a bisexual who's tried the whole internet dating thing let me weigh in:

It is vital that you be upfront about your bisexuality for the simple fact that people can be dicks. There are people out there simply won't accept you for who you are and even if you seem to be compatible in every other way, if you admit to being bisexual some people will simply go "ew lol no" and just stop responding to you. I would much rather this happen at the beginning than after several dates where things seem to be going good.

Second, sexuality is more than just who you have sex with. Think about when you chat about crushes and growing up even in casual asides. If you remain in the closet you are cutting off a huge part of your life that you can talk about. This applies both to casual conversation and to prospective dates even when you wish to remain monogamous.


ew u bi? So gay lol

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Re: 5 Creepy Dating Site Messages Every Woman Has Received..

Postby DamianaRaven » Sun Jan 25, 2015 4:10 am

JamesT wrote:As a bisexual who's tried the whole internet dating thing let me weigh in:

It is vital that you be upfront about your bisexuality for the simple fact that people can be dicks. There are people out there who simply won't accept you for who you are and even if you seem to be compatible in every other way, if you admit to being bisexual some people will simply go "ew lol no" and just stop responding to you. I would much rather this happen at the beginning than after several dates where things seem to be going good.

Second, sexuality is more than just who you have sex with. Think about when you chat about crushes and growing up even in casual asides. If you remain in the closet you are cutting off a huge part of your life that you can talk about. This applies both to casual conversation and to prospective dates even when you wish to remain monogamous.


This is a very good point, Mr... yeah, I'm just gonna go ahead and call you James if you don't mind. It wasn't my intention to suggest that she "stay in the closet" and never tell anyone about her bisexuality. That is definitely something that should be disclosed in the very early stages of a potential relationship. You're right, people can (and will) be dickish about that kind of thing, in all kinds of ways. Hiding a thing like that can lead to some heartbreaking melodrama if a person you've fallen in love with finds out and dumps you like a piece of trash. I apologize if my advice sounded like I was saying she should keep it a secret and never tell anyone.

On the other hand, announcing it preemptively to everybody might solve one kind of problem, but it clearly creates another one to take its place. I don't know how it is for bisexual men, but I do know from first hand experience that when a woman openly announces her bisexuality to everybody who's looking for any kind of date, it might dissuade the kind of people who think it's gross and immoral, but it will also attract the (unwanted) attention of men who will be interested in you just because you're bisexual. Are they right to interpret such a detail as an invitation to be crass and pervy to a complete stranger? Hell no, but that has yet to stop any of them from interpreting the word "bisexual" to mean "hey guys, I do three-ways. Get your three-ways here, fellas." Assholes like that neither need nor deserve to know such a personal detail about somebody before they've demonstrated that they can be respectful, mature adults about it, even if it's only long enough to say "I find that disgusting - have a nice life."

By the way, if it's both a right and even a responsibility not to hide things like that, keep in mind that when someone with a kinky user name merely greeted Ms. Axness, she not only treated him like a degenerate piece of trash, but posted his OKC user name on a high-traffic website. At the very least, she's being a hypocrite in believing that she has every right to be up front about her sociosexual preferences, but anyone else who does so is a degenerate pervert unworthy of respect or privacy.

As I said before, it's her attitude that pissed me off, not any of things she was complaining about. I'm sure Mr. "Hey, what's up" is no Prince Charming worthy of defending, but instead of deleting that boring form letter crap and moving on to the next message, she gets all huffy with "how DARE you try to talk to me when a computer program has given you a score that declares you my enemy." Just as much as men don't have any right to make perverted propositions to complete strangers without being considered an asshole by the rest of society, women likewise have no right or excuse to be nasty about saying "no, thanks" to men who approach them reasonably on a DATING WEBSITE! Men have feelings, too, even the ones you don't like, so doing that whole "fuck you for even trying to talk to me... like, literally because I think you're horrible," is every bit as shitty and egotistical as a guy who's looking for somebody to fuck.
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Last edited by DamianaRaven on Sun Jan 25, 2015 9:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: 5 Creepy Dating Site Messages Every Woman Has Received..

Postby FaceTheCitizen » Sun Jan 25, 2015 4:31 am

DamianaRaven wrote:On the other hand, announcing it preemptively to everybody might solve one kind of problem, but it clearly creates another one to take its place. I don't know how it is for bisexual men, but I do know from first hand experience that when a woman openly announces her bisexuality to everybody who's looking for any kind of date, it might dissuade the kind of people who think it's gross and immoral, but it will also attract the (unwanted) attention of men who will be interested in you just because you're bisexual. Are they right to interpret such a detail as an invitation to be crass and pervy to a complete stranger? Hell no, but that has yet to stop any of them from interpreting the word "bisexual" to mean "hey guys, I do three-ways. Get your three-ways here, fellas." Assholes like that neither need nor deserve to know such a personal detail about somebody before they've demonstrated that they can be respectful, mature adults about it, even if it's only long enough to say "I find that disgusting - have a nice life."


True, but just being a virtue of being a woman on an online dating site will also attract unwanted attention. This will happen to women regardless of sexual orientation. I'm sure there are het women who were invited to have a threesome with a guy and his girlfriend at some point. Hell, I had a friend who had a guy (who was her friend) ask if she wanted to have a three way with him and my ex, and both girls were straight. And this wasn't online.
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Re: 5 Creepy Dating Site Messages Every Woman Has Received..

Postby Kate » Sun Jan 25, 2015 5:16 am

I actually agree with you that her attitude really didn't sit right with me. Like...this is the reason that people don't take it seriously when women say, "Yeah so we need to put up with crap here."

One of her points is devoted to complaining that guys who are *different* from her are messaging her. No matter how friendly they might be, an algorithm has said they are different, so how dare they try and talk to her?

Am I the only person here who has dated someone vastly different? Maybe it didn't work out, but I'm glad I took chances and met people. I'm friends with people who are waaaaaaaaaay different than I am and have way different views, and I'm glad for it. I'm not saying she has to do that, just, she's getting mad at guys who do. If they're jerks, that's one thing, but man.

Putting down someone's kink like that is also just not nice. Yes, someone is more sexually open than you are. You don't have to respond to them. You don't have to say "yes" to BDSM guy if that's not your thing. What is uncomfortable to you, is delightful to someone else, and them interacting with other human beings is what they signed up to do in the first place. If you don't like what they like or who they are, move along - it's not creepy of them to simply talk to you (not talking about the "daddy" guy, although yeah, I have had conversations with people that got into discussions of their kinks pretty quickly in bars).

There is some genuinely creepy shit that girls put up with, but being too different isn't what I would call creepy. She complains about how people aren't talking to her like she's a person, but then getting mad at her for just plain talking to her when they're not the *right* kind of person even if it's a fine message.
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Re: 5 Creepy Dating Site Messages Every Woman Has Received..

Postby AboveGL » Sun Jan 25, 2015 5:19 am

Yeah, I understand it's frustrating when you get a metric butt-ton of messages from creeps (and I agree with JamesT here 100%) but some of her responses were just WAAAAAY out of line. That rubbed me the wrong way.
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Re: 5 Creepy Dating Site Messages Every Woman Has Received..

Postby DamianaRaven » Sun Jan 25, 2015 5:29 am

Kate wrote:Am I the only person here who has dated someone vastly different?


Absolutely not. As a matter of fact, I'm QUITE sure that if Justin and I were to take one of those "scientific" compatibility tests, the results would indicate at least an 81% likelihood that our relationship would end with fire, bloodshed, and new laws written to keep such a thing from ever happening again. Nonetheless, it's been eight years and I've only punched him in the dick once, and that was entirely by accident.
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Re: 5 Creepy Dating Site Messages Every Woman Has Received..

Postby Tesseracts » Sun Jan 25, 2015 5:42 am

She wrote a bad, over-the-top article. She told some guys she hopes they drown, they're creeps, ect. She uses the word "literally" wrong. It's a huge mystery why she's still single.

However there's nothing wrong with her reasons for rejecting people. The "alpha male" guy wasn't just a fetishist, he was also way beyond the age range she stated in her profile. I think it's fine for her to be frustrated that people who would know they are not her type if they read her profile are hitting on her anyway. I also don't think it's false to say it's creepy when someone you're talking to for the first time opens with detailed sexual fantasies.

And Kate... is this the guy you said she rejected for being "different?" I would immediately reject anyone who describes sex as an obligation, and not because they're different but because they can be accurately described as creeps.
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Re: 5 Creepy Dating Site Messages Every Woman Has Received..

Postby Kate » Sun Jan 25, 2015 6:10 am

I don't think her reasons for rejecting people are wrong (though telling someone she literally wants them to drown is rather extreme). In fact, if she rejected people because they didn't share her favorite pokemon, that'd be well within her rights. It's the tone of the article, and the outrage directed at things like someone's username or, "How I feel about you as a person aside (though for real, you suck), in what reality do you think we'd be compatible at all? Ever? Motherfucker if you are not at least a D+ grade in the match category, I don't have time for you."

Yes, maybe she isn't interested in dating guys who are that far apart from her, but she gets angry at guys who are that far apart and message her anyway. It's a bit of a stretch to call that creepy.

I don't think it's false to call it creepy when someone's first message to you is about sex, but when you know what their kink is because of their username and what they've posted elsewhere but their first message to you isn't creepy in itself, well, they are talking to you like you're a human being.

As for that guy specifically, depending on the context of the question and the answer and her definition of "obligation" then I can certainly say I wouldn't necessarily call him creepy. If the question is, "Do you believe that someone who accepts a fancy dinner should have sex with you," or "Do you believe someone who promises to have sex with you should follow through," or "Would you be able to date someone who didn't have sex with you as often as you wanted to have sex," that can read as "owes" or simply that's what you expect and you would be disappointed if it didn't happen; and there are other people, of all genders, who would agree (not that I'm saying it's something I agree with, or that treating any of that as situations that are literal obligations would be okay). It's hard to know without seeing the exact question. But beyond that, the person himself may be a creep, the message of, "Hey, how is it going?" is not, and the fact that he's 99% different is not, and she takes issue with how he is messaging her when he is so different. She literally says that (I'm not misusing literally here).
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Re: 5 Creepy Dating Site Messages Every Woman Has Received..

Postby Tesseracts » Sun Jan 25, 2015 6:18 am

This is the exact wording of that question. "Do you feel there are any circumstances in which a person is obligated to have sex with you?"

If someone answers "yes" to "Do you believe that someone who accepts a fancy dinner should have sex with you," or "Do you believe someone who promises to have sex with you should follow through" that is also rather creepy.

I think her tone is off-putting and she accurately described herself as "very tumblr." The men messaging her are undatable and probably creepy assholes. There's no good guy here, it's a clusterfuck of terrible. Thanks, Obama.
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Re: 5 Creepy Dating Site Messages Every Woman Has Received..

Postby Ericthebearjew » Sun Jan 25, 2015 6:24 am

It's as if a lot of these people don't really have any experience dating but they do know it involves sex, so they blindly flail around in confusion and spout off a bunch of sexual stuff hoping for a connection.
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