Bad Stand-Up Corner

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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Fri Oct 08, 2021 7:20 pm

Here's something I found in my drafts just now that I have no memory of typing...

People in glass houses shouldn't throw orgies.
  • 6

Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Sun Dec 05, 2021 12:24 am

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?



It's time-consuming.
  • 3

Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Mon Jan 03, 2022 2:13 am

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.


Here's one for programmers that hopefully hasn't been posted before:
Image
  • 4

Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Wed Apr 06, 2022 12:19 am

4x post because I just read a delightful math-related pun

After Noah let the animals go from the ark, he noticed that two of the snakes were not breeding. His son made a wooden table from tree trunks, put the snakes on the table, and they immediately started copulating. Noah asked his son how he knew that would happen. His son responded, “Even an adder can multiply on a log table.”
  • 4

Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby iMURDAu » Mon Apr 18, 2022 11:14 pm

My job involves shipping at a food warehouse and once in a while I'll notice cool or interesting addresses and names. Like we'll ship things to the big sports stadiums, or regular people with names that match their city like John Johnson in Johnson City type stuff. So I live and work in Maryland and the other day I saw a city I'd never seen before. I call out to a coworker "Hey you ever heard of Lusby, Maryland before? I've lived here most of my life and never heard of it."

His reply while sporting an innocent smile:

Spoiler: show
That's where all the Lusby-ans live.
  • 3

“This is going to become a bad meme,” Todd observed.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Pedgerow » Wed May 04, 2022 8:20 pm

I have just seen this comment on Facebook about the whole Roe vs Wade thing in America. It was written by someone I don't know, in response to someone I do know but have only met once. I don't really want to get involved, as a result. But surely, surely, the person I don't know was joking when they wrote:

Whilst I agree with supporting the ladies affected by the different situations mentioned in this post, surely the decision to terminate pregnancy could be made much sooner than 40 weeks.


The two of them appear to be discussing this completely seriously. It's making me doubt my biology skills.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Mon Jun 06, 2022 12:37 am

Two cowboys are stranded in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree covered in bacon in the distance. He gets all excited and runs toward the bacon tree. As he reaches the bacon tree, he gets shot to death. It turns out it wasn't a bacon tree... It was a hambush.
  • 4

Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Pedgerow » Thu Jun 09, 2022 1:35 am

I got insufficient respect for this joke that I came up with earlier tonight. Apparently, there are two types of coffee beans: Arabica and Robusta. I happily admit that I didn't know that.

But it certainly explains the novelty cafetiere I own which is shaped like a house, and one wall folds down and squashes the beans to make the coffee.

It's Robusta Keaton.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby iMURDAu » Mon Aug 08, 2022 10:12 pm

I don't remember where I stole this from but if you want to get some sideways looks from people the next time there's a serious conversation about climate or war make sure to drop the following gem.

The nuclear winter and global warming will cancel each other out.

Bonus points awarded if you say it without a hint of sarcasm.
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“This is going to become a bad meme,” Todd observed.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Pedgerow » Tue Aug 09, 2022 8:22 pm

I saw that joke somewhere else recently too, so it appears to be making a comeback. I remember it from Futurama (season 1, I forget which episode) so that might be where you're thinking of.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Pedgerow » Tue Sep 26, 2023 8:18 pm

I'm going to become a millionaire with this new genre of music I have just invented. It's going to be a gritty but self-pitying form of emo hip-hop. And I shall call it: angsta rap.
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