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Car Review: 2016 Mercedes-Benz C300
By Beernpotatoes | Edited by Matthew Notch | 4th March, 2016 | 7:08 pm


This is going to be tough for me because this is the newer, improved version of the car I just bought last year. I'm writing this through teeth clenched with envy...

A big thanks to United Airlines for making this review possible, by the way. I was supposed to fly into Tucson last month for a meeting, but, because they stranded me the night before, the only flight they had the next morning to Arizona landed in Phoenix, meaning that I had to rent a car for the day to drive to Tucson and back. I had reserved a new Mustang and was going to review that, but, as with everything else on that horrible trip, my reservation was fouled up and they didn't have a car for me. Looking back, it's possible that the folks at the rental car counter could see the corner of my eye twitching as I prepared to explode in full on travel rage. Or, maybe Enterprise's customer service is just really good. Either way, they apologized profusely and handed me the keys to a brand new Mercedes-Benz. Thank you, Sir, that'll do.

So about the car. It's a beautiful work of art. Just look at the picture. Seriously. A German designed this car (maybe his mother was Italian??). If this car is Julia Stegner, then the previous model is Gert Fröbe. I’m saying that this makes my old model look like a grumpy, middle-aged man.

And holy sh!t is it fast. I mean... Mindbogglingly fast. I tried to test its 0-60 time and realized that I had accidentally tested its 0-100 time. On the freeway, I had to constantly pull it back under 90. No hyperbole. This is the fastest car I have ever driven, and it was so effortlessly smooth that 80 felt like 40.

So. It oozes sex AND power.

Everything else about it is terrible. As soon as I sat in the driver's seat, it became apparent what had gone wrong: clearly, some dipshit at MB came in one day, probably after a particularly bad morning commute, and decided to f@ck with their customers.

The result is that absolutely nothing inside the car is where it should be, and it's all intentionally over-complicated. For example, there are no fewer than 7 buttons to control the seat position. None of them are actually ON the seat, and all of them make the seats less comfortable.

Secondly, MB has decided to have all of the user systems, such as temperature controls, entertainment, telephone, etc. combined into one, centralized computer interface. Then, they covered the main control knob for it with an awkward hand rest.

Adding the climate control interface to the same centralized user interface as the phone and entertainment center is an example of doing something because you can, not because it's actually better. First, consider how utterly pointless it is to have a precise, computer controlled climate system operated by the driver. Every single person who ever buys this car is going to pick one temperature they like the first time they get into this car and will never touch it again. Plus, by having to scroll through the climate control menus while trying to change the radio station, you get the added fun of never knowing whether you'll get some groovy tunes or an unexpected A/C blast to the face when you hit "enter" while trying to keep your eyes on the road. This is especially exhilarating in a car that creeps up to 100 mph any time you take your eyes off of the speedometer.

Finally, the interior is not merely horrible; it's deceptively horrible. On first blush, it's all plush leather and designer accent pieces that make you THINK you're stepping into a Manhattan penthouse condo, but once inside, it punishes you. Despite the expensive materials and fine craftsmanship, it's uncomfortable and intimidating. This car is a lot like one of those old Twilight Zone episodes where the guy gets everything he wants, and ends up miserable.


Tags: Cars, Review 18

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