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3 People with Absolutely No Impulse Control
By Deathclaw_Puncher | Edited by Learned Nand | 27th January, 2016 | 10:49 pm | ETBJ's Incoherent Ramblings

ETBJ's Incoherent Ramblings
As Norman Bates would tell you, we all go a little mad sometimes. That's exceptionally true in the case of today's continuation of a series in which I explore the depths of humanity's dumbfuckery. What exactly is it about the impulsive stupidity of humanity? Where does it come from: Ignorance? Desperation? Evil wintergreen mint otherkin wizards?

Whatever this is?

In today's installment, we'll be looking at people who somehow managed to jump off a slippery slope, despite standing on a carpeted floor.

A man pulls out a gun at a Del Taco drive-thru

For our first story of impulsive dumbfuckery, we venture to Del Taco, a magical place in that it manages to be even sadder than Weinerschnitzel. In a Livonia, Michigan location of this wondrous realm, a man got tired of waiting for his order, so he did the logical thing and pulled a gun on the employees, all for food that is literally cheaper than Taco Bell.

Seriously, this costs, like, 60 cents

First off, how little patience must this guy have? A reasonable wait time for fast food of this quality might be, what, a few minutes? I bet this guy gets angry at neutrinos for taking too long to pass through the Large Hadron Collider. And really, pulling out a gun? Last I checked, guns don't make cooking time faster. If that were the case, Chopped and Cutthroat Kitchen would be A LOT more hardcore.


"Whoever wins this auction can blast their opponent in the fucking face!"

After the employees scattered, this man went back into his car and drove off, rendering his efforts to speed up the delivery of his food completely pointless. Again, this was all for about a half dollar's worth of food. Something tells me this guy doesn't have his priorities entirely in order.

Obama ISIS Halloween Decorations

There's a certain type of asshole that drags politics into everything. For these omnipolitical douchebags, there is no lightening up. This sort of person takes every opportunity to turn anything anyone does into a statement about their pet issue. "Why play video games when Congress did X?", "Why binge watch Narcos because war on drugs?", "Why stop at Thrifty's for some ice cream when Obama's Muslim weregoat army is loading people into FEMA camps?", and so on.

New Jersey resident and rectal diamond factory Bill D'Catt became one such asshole when he eschewed the usual Halloween decor for ISIS.


No, not this one.

That's right, D'Catt littered his yard with life-sized dummies of hanged ISIS fighters, including one which was wearing an Obama mask and wielding a machete. D'Catt justified his actions by explaining that the real threat of ISIS was far scarier than a fake threat, like zombies. He was aiming for a realistic Halloween display, and the portrayal of Obama as a fighter for ISIS apparently counts as "realistic".

This guy is aware that it's the children going trick or treating, right? What did he expect, a heated debate with a 9-year-old dressed as Umbreon concerning whether or not Obama was secretly an ISIS militant? Did he assume the little girl dressed as Elsa would understand and agree with the political and racial symbolism in hanging America's first Black president from a tree after dressing him up as a terrorist? Or was he so desperate to be an asshole that he'd do it for any reason? D'Catt eventually took down the ISIS decor, but there's a chance people might have gotten a double-dose of D'Catt's distasteful dumbfuckery, as he said he might put the ISIS decor back up when Halloween famously came around, effectively breaking the Guinness World Record for point missing.


As well as winning every "Chad from Accounting" look-alike contest for the next 20 or so years.

A Man Protests A 50 Cent Price Hike

Overreacting over cheap food is not just for taco places. Thirty-nine-year-old Mitchell Harris Feinberg of Brookhaven, Georgia took matters into his own hands when he noticed a horrible travesty within his Waffle House bill. Feinberg's world came crashing down around him as he noticed that the sausage biscuit, which normally cost him only $1, was now $1.50. In a noble feat of protest, Feinberg threw the bill on the floor, and proceeded to kick through the front door. After a brief chase, Feinberg was arrested and held on $2500 bail.

All over one of these.

I've never been to a Waffle House, but most restaurants tend to list the prices of the food item either right next to a picture or right across from the listed words. Did this imbecile forget what those odd shapes on the menu next to those mysterious slashed "S"s were? Perhaps he did see the price hike, but it left him in such a state of shock that he repressed the memory until the bill arrived.

More triggering than 'Nam

Tags: Real Life, Humour 15

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