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Criminal Leaps of Logic
By Deathclaw_Puncher | Edited by MeatPuppet | 10th July, 2015 | 4:59 pm | ETBJ's Incoherent Ramblings

ETBJ's Incoherent Ramblings
Continuing on our journey of inexplicable human dumbfuckery, today we shall be focusing on what happens when the stupid people try their hand at unlawful acts. From the most moronic of misdemeanors to actual crimes, these are the people that plaster local news websites with a criminal level of stupidity.

Complete with Uncle Grandpa smirks.

4. A Woman Sells Meth in a Burger King Drive-Thru
One would think that, when selling meth, it would be wise to have the deal go down in an isolated area, such as a back alley or a rural area or something. Courtney Suzanne Morgalo of East Ellijay, Georgia apparently didn't get the memo, opting instead to sell meth both in the parking lot and drive-thru of the Burger King she worked at.
Meh. Still a better secret menu item than a mustard whopper.

I don't know about Ellijay, but in my experience, fast food places aren't exactly the Dubai Mall. Selling from the car is one thing, but when it comes to the drive-thru, that's just idiotic, seeing as they tend to be on the opposite end of the fucking kitchen. Where the hell would one store meth in such an enclosed space, anyway? On the floor under the counter? There's no magical meth dimension. If you're handing out fistfuls of narcotics in an enclosed space behind a bunch of working people, someone's inevitably going to notice.

"No, it's totally salt, man, I swear!"

3. A Man Throws a Tantrum in a Pennsylvania Restaurant
When a restaurant is all out of the the thing you tried to order, the logical thing to do is to just order that other thing that you've spent the last 10 minutes anguishing over due to indecision, and not have a mental breakdown. In true local-news-idiot fashion, 47-year-old Kevin David Nelson of Amsterdam, New York was charged with disorderly conduct after he decided to take a third option.

Basically, this.

Stopping over for a quick bite at a Roy Rogers at 10:30 pm on a Monday during a trip to Pennsylvania, Nelson tried to order some macaroni and cheese. After being told they were out of that particular dish, Nelson went berserk and started hysterically cursing out the employees and stormed out of the restaurant. After a brief stop at a nearby Starbucks, Nelson returned to the restaurant demanding potatoes, because "just potatoes" is totally something that people order at a restaurant. As they were naturally all out of potatoes, they said he couldn't order that as well, at which point Nelson snapped and started throwing condiments at them.

And thus, Condiment King was born!

2. Skin Milk
Let's say you have a roommate that you haven't exactly gotten along with lately to the point where a peace order has to be called. That's essentially a police-enforced strike two, and if you act out, your ass is going to jail. Naturally, you'd obey the peace order, right? Well, that wasn't an option for 56-year-old Sarah Schrock of Mechanicsville, Maryland, who frantically jumped at the chance to disobey said peace order with the haste of an eldritch horror.

Peace orders don't fly with Remina!

Rather than do the logical thing and calm the fuck down, Schrock ended up being charged with felony contamination and second degree assault after she slipped some toe skin shavings into her roommate's milk carton. Yes, Schrock apparently had the odd habit of saving her toe skin shavings in a tray in her room, because reasons. This brings a rather pertinent question to mind: Why the fuck didn't she just move? Seriously, if she hated her roommate to the point of toe-milking, and there had been some major squabbling before the incident, why the fuck was she still there?

NSFL foot
Perhaps being in that particular room was necessary for her toe skin habit?

1. An Accused Stabber Spits His Shit At Cops
As Nash and Tara would be sure to tell you, poop is not a plan! 29-year-old Jonathon Glenn of Galveston, Texas apparently did not get that memo. After cops showed up at his house with a warrant for his arrest on account of stabbing a man multiple times, Glenn took off and led them on a short chase. After he was eventually caught, Glenn shit himself in the backseat of the cop car. He then proceeded to cram his shit into his mouth and spit it out at the officers.

That's right, this guy's ultimate getaway plan was to essentially pull a reverse human centipede. Just what the hell was this guy thinking? Even if one is desperately trying to make a getaway, one isn't exactly going to think, "This'll be a great time to put shit in my mouth!", but this guy just leaped into the chaos, stopping just short of shouting, "Me eat my poop!" at the top of his lungs.

Also, he was apparently also wanted for kidnapping, so yeah, he's got that going for him.

Tags: Real Life 26

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