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5 Things to (Not) do in The Friendzone
By NotCIAAgent | 6th March, 2015 | 3:44 pm

Yes folks, even the fruit of a five decade long Nazi eugenics project like me can wind up in the feared friendzone. The place in which the ladies you were nice to refuse to bump the uglies for frivolous reasons, like not being sexually attracted to you, not being sexually attracted to your gender, being married, being a relative, etc.

Thing is, it is inevitable. Every man, in one moment of their lives, will find women that aren't interested in having sex with them. That sucks, but you gotta hold your blue balls and carry on. There's no helping it.

What there's helping with, though, is what not to do on that situation. I will illustrate it with the story that happened right after a girl said "I like you just as a friend."

I will call her Samantha, because that's what her name is.

1 - Don't Try to Steal a Smooch

Most of you guys are going to find yourselves in a "u fkn w0t m8" psychological state right after hearing those words. Don't worry, that's natural. It is expected for you to be confused after learning you will not get to touch those boobies after investing, like, two or three months of half assed effort on listening to her talking about how much she loves her boyfriend. You know, the usual girly stuff.

At this moment, many things will go through your mind, but you should absolutely not get the idea that she just didn't make her mind up yet and try to force a kiss.

If you do, don't get grabby while you're at it, that'll just make her punch your face harder.

2 - Don't Take Off Your Clothes

No, believe or not, she is not playing hard to get. That punch was as earnest as the insults afterwards. You might start getting a little bit desperate at this point. Your adrenaline pumped (and slightly bruised after a good hook) brain decides to give it another shot and pull out a Soren Bowie, so you decide to take off your shirt to show off your pre-oiled abs.

She most certainly will be speechless after that, but don't think it is because of your amazing gains: she is just shocked you have stooped that low. Invading her personal space while she calls the cops will not be of considerable help.

Pictured: Realism

3 - Don't run with her to the nearby forest

Okay, if girl movie tactics like stealing a kiss and showing some skin didn't work then maybe thriller movie tactics would do the trick, like running with the her to the wilds while being hunted down by something threatening? That usually bonds them together and they end up boning for a while before dramatically (?) getting killed by the slasher or monster in question.

That would be a half-solid plan, if you were running with the girl at your side and not her limp, unconscious body over your shoulders because you chloroform'd her (if you're reading this far, of course you have a chloroform soaked rag in your pocket at all times). Also, from a certain point of view (say, the cops going after you), you might be the threat of the situation, and being half naked certainly does you no favors in that matter.

4 - Don't hold her hostage in a cabin in the middle of the woods

Okay, you acknowledge that you might be just running out of options by now. If the last three seduction routes failed, it might occur you to try some more... insidious methods. Maybe...holding her hostage with a pencil in front of the cops while asking for a chopper, a bullet proof vest, and a Martin Luther King picture with Obama's face shopped on the background reading "I had a dream" (I am not good at improvising), in hope of inducing some sort of Stockholm Syndrome.

"Wow, this evil looking house makes me love you more!" - No woman ever

But alas, as the pigs drag your bleeding, shot, naked, oiled ass to the car the realization hits that maybe it wasn't really supposed to happen. Maybe your personalities didn't match, maybe she didn't felt the same (desperate due to loneliness) attraction for you as you felt for her. Maybe it was because she was going to marry in a few weeks. But the thing is, you will understand that you can't expect someone to feel love for you, you can't expect to be able to grow feelings in every heart and maybe, you will grow as a person from that realization.

5 - Don't tell the big, pumped up, tattooed inmate that you like him just as a friend

More of a related survival tip than anything to do with romantic relationships (especially because he is not cornering you in the shower to have a talk about movies and other common interests). Those people really don't handle rejection well...

Expect a strongly worded letter through your cell door promptly...

Tags: Relationships 32

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