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Interview with a Blanc Slate
By: FaceTheCitizen | Part of a Column: The Moped Insurgency
Tags: Dating, Satire

The Moped Insurgency
Julien Blanc, pick up artist who hails from the deepest pits of Hell, also known as Switzerland, was denied a visa to the United Kingdom, because even they have standards. The controversial pick up artist has been criticized for teaching men how to attract women using sexually abusive methods because God doesn't exist.

Being the magnificent and brave stallion that I am, I sat down with Julien Blanc to conduct an interview to hear his side of the story.

I met with Julien Blanc at The Comment Section offices located in Detroit.

Interviewer: Face The Citizen the Fifth (FTC): The tape recorder is on. Thank you for agreeing to do the interview with me, Mister Blanc.

Julien Blanc (BLANC): Not a problem.

FTC: And I have to say, I have to say I'm impressed with you wearing that shirt. Must be brave to a wear a shirt like with your complexion.

BLANC: Thank you.

FTC: So, Mister Blanc, explain to me what it is you do.

BLANC: I'm a dating guru and-

FTC: You're Hindu?

BLANC: What? No.

FTC: But you're a dating guru?

BLANC: Yes, but-

FTC: So you're Hindu.

BLANC: No, I'm not Hindu-

FTC: So you can't be a guru. You're more of a dating priest.

BLANC: Now listen here-

FTC: Mister Blanc, when you said "If you're a white male, you can do what you want"? Does that mean you understand the privilege white men have and the racial tension in American is real?

BLANC: No. I meant that, as a white male in Tokyo, you can get laid.

FTC: Ah. With those brains, it's a good thing you're average looking.

BLANC: ...

[The interviewer at this point in the interview reaches over and wraps his hand around Blanc's throat.]

BLANC: What are you doing?

FTC: Asserting my dominance.

BLANC: Let go of me.

FTC: Not until you submit.

BLANC: This is abusive.

[The interviewer shows BLANCMCGEE this photograph:]


BLANC: Please let me go.

FTC: There! Dominance established.

[The interview lets go of Blanc's throat and sits back down.]

FTC: So you were denied a Visa into the UK.

BLANC: Yea. It's crazy.

FTC: For reference, members of the Westboro Baptist Church were also denied entry into the UK. In the eyes of the United Kingdom, you are as bad as the Westboro church.

CHRISBROWN: I'm not that bad. I believe there's been some miscommunication.

FTC: Hard to communicate when you're choking someone, sure.

SANDUSKY: I'm simply teaching socially awkward men how to pick up women. Some people have problems with my methods. That's not my problem.

FTC: I'm socially awkward. Would you give me some pointers?

RAYRICE: Sure. Now first-

FTC: Wait! I just remembered I have standards.


[Interviewer begins to choke him again. Blanc relaxes. Interviewer lets go.]

FTC: You have great obedient skills, which is great because you have bad taste in hairstyles.

MARKFOLEY: Uh, thanks.

FTC: Wanna see my seduction techniques?


[Interviewer proceeds to pelvic thrust in Julien Blanc's face while screaming like a howler monkey.]

FTC: How did you like it?

BLANCSLATE: It was...fascinating.

FTC: Thank you. I call it the "Julien Blanc."


FTC: Because just like the person it is named after, it invades personal space, employs sexual harassment, and requires screaming nonsense.


FTC: Do your considered your methods to picking up women abusive?


FTC: But the things you put online indicate otherwise.

LUCIFERPRINCEOFDARKNESS: The things you saw online were bad attempts at humor and were taken out of context.

FTC: Taken out of context?

BLANC: Yes, taken out of context.

FTC: Really? You mean to tell me that videos of you shoving women's heads towards your crotch and pictures of you choking women are out of context? That using a chart that is basically Domestic Violence 101 and claiming it's a good way to keep a woman "in control" was an attempt at humor? Let me ask you something, Julien. How are you so fucking basic?

FUCKWAD: Excuse me?

FTC: Looks like I'm gonna have to speak slower. How. Are. You. So. Fucking. Basic?

TCSEDITORS: I don't have to put up with this.

[Julien Blanc turns to leave the office. The door has been blocked by a brick wall.]


FTC: It is TCS policy to wall in interviewer and interviewee until the interview is over.

BILLCOSBY: Let me out!

FTC: Does FaceTheCitizen need to choke a bitch?


[Interviewer chokes Julien Blanc again. Blanc is silent. The brick wall slides open and Marcuse pokes his head in.]

M: Interview's done.

[Blanc leaves.]

M: How did it go?

FTC: Pretty good.

M: Awesome. Now read my Opeth/Metallica slash fic.
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