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Google Play Reviews R Funny
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Journalism has reached a new age. Who wants to trust the old media shills that only serve to promote the content of their advertisers when the almost readable words thrown together by a random jackass are all we really need?

Laser Simulator and Break Bricks

We begin with Laser Simulator and Break Bricks. Yes some people apparently thought that downloading an app would enable their phone to act as a laser pointer. To do so is worthy of a laugh track response. Stating their belief of smartphone sorcery publicly and being upset that they got “scammed” by a free app is an act of courageous stupidity. There is a natural balance achieved due to one review in which its suggested you charge your NFC chip by microwaving your phone for 15 seconds. This app’s reviews also have good examples of helpful/troll person trying to explain why the upset/troll people are stupid.

Galaxy Clock Widget

I like it when people have meltdowns over silly things. Not silly like “you punched me in the kidney” or even “you replaced the soap with bacon grease”. Experience the purest form of rage as expressed by Google user Dee Fox when reviewing a simple clock widget. Dee sounds like a hardass motherfucker that would smack Samsung around while strangling it with their evil new proprietary charge cords. Not so. Well maybe not. According to her gross-she-thinks-she's-hot grandma profile photo, Dee is asking you to remain quiet. Maybe its because she wants to seduce you. Maybe its because she farted. Or she’s just smiling because that’s the finger she’ll use to dig out your left eyeball.


Oh yeah Screentime! I wanted to get an app to keep my kid from accessing the settings or play store and this app has to be the one. Its averaging the nearly perfect rating of 3.5/5 stars and what? You got a problem with this app? Odds might be its because you hate it for ruining the time you want to waste on your tablet all day now get outside and play with a stick. The one star reviews are something we should treasure. The true heartache of childhood angst on display in our digital era. Most impressive was the person who claimed it didn’t work and his son spent 31 hours on his tablet in a single day. That kid’s gonna have a bright future.

Privacy Protector

Privacy Protector (App Lock) is another security app to keep people from snooping around your phone’s apps after they’ve already guessed your passcode or pattern to gain access to your device. Google user “gelu714“ provided a comprehensive review (written in classic Engrish) as to why this is a 5 star app worthy of your precious limited storage space. Here is the entire review unabridged:

Protect my privacy for the app terms? I want to now this app is protect my stuff and my privacy from the apps permision therms witch is ridicules rules.If this app is protect my from the therms of other apps in my privacy,then this app is the best ever.Anway i givit 5 stars.I hope is worth...tanks

Got that? Good. I didn’t either but I feel like that was very helpful and rated it as such. I hope you find it in your heart to do the same. If, then, best ever, anway tanks.

Video games are the downfall of society. You’ve played them instead of doing something constructive.


Texas Hold'em Poker

I might be a hypocrite since I’ve wasted plenty of time playing video games during my time on Earth. Games are good for your brain like sugar is good for your teeth. Before you shoot my argument down please consider what has happened with one of the many simple Texas Hold ‘Em poker games available on the Play Store. Its even called Texas Hold'em Poker. One reviewer gave the game 1 star because they let Dish Network advertise in it. I’d love to hear the tale of how Dish ruined someone’s life with their dishonesty. Another reviewer improperly used the word “your” when “you’re” would’ve been correct. But those are barely going to make you chuckle compared to what “Daviemcewan” said about the game. His full review states: “Easy to use and fun when you're board in class :)”. I shouldn’t assume he’s a moron, he could be bluffing. Its hard to read a person who can hide behind that unwavering emoticon.

With that, I fold.
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