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Super Gay Male Soldiers Coming for American Christians
By: FaceTheCitizen | Part of a Column: The Moped Insurgency
Tags: news, homosexuality, parody, christian

The Moped Insurgency
My fellow Americans, keep your heads down and your buttholes clenched tight because the end times are coming, and they're coming hard. I don't mean to panic you, but panicking is a rightful and natural response to what is going to happen in the coming days. It's going to hit us hard and hit us fast.

I am talking, of course, about the super gay male soldiers who are preparing to murder the Christians of the United States of America.

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In April, the year of our Lord 2014, Rick Wiles, TruNews reporter and Master of Not Taking His Prescriptions, warned America about the truth during a radio broadcast with fellow loyal American, Indiana Pastor Jeff Allen (because if there's one State that needs a pastor, it's Indiana. That place is a lifeless husk of a State). According to Wiles, LGBT activists are Nazis, and their true goal isn't just world domination, "but a global homosexual society."

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Exactly! The gays don't care about equal rights! They want to dominate us! Assimilate good old heterosexuals into their worldview. They want to bend us over the kitchen sink and ask us if we like it. Well, we don't! But that's not the worst part, oh no. See, Wiles is a genius, and he has his ears on the ground and his ass in the air, farting out information: farting out the truth.

According to the Gaily Grind (which is not a porn site, much to my dismay), Wiles has revealed the truth about Nazi Germany. He states:

"It’s not an exaggeration to say homofascist because the German Nazi Party was homosexual, Hitler was a homosexual, the top Nazi leadership, all of them were homosexuals, it was a radical homosexual movement that gained political power, military power, and they were creating a homosexual special race. That’s what it was all about. It wasn’t this thing about an Aryan race of white people, blue-eyed, blonde-haired, white people, Hitler was trying to create a race of super gay male soldiers. That’s what he was creating."

Adolf Hitler, you son of a bitch. Not only were you ordering the deaths of millions of people, you were also fucking Joseph Goebbels behind our backs (and behind his, if you know what I mean), weren't you? And creating a homosexual race, that too.

"Wiles: When you understand what the real agenda of the homosexual movement was in the 30s and 40s and you see it is happening now here in the United States of America. I’m telling you, this is not an exaggeration. If it’s not stopped, it will end up in America just like it was in Germany but it won’t be the Jews that will be slaughtered, it will be the Christians.

Allen: Right. We haven’t gotten, fortunately, to the slaughtering part, but we’re getting to the point of the marginalizing part. Marginalized, get us to the edge, remove us from any influence in society."

Holy Tibetan nutsack, America, did you catch that? The gays are planning to cause massive destruction, and I don't mean the type of destruction Bethany "Bee" Susanna performed on Rose in the bedroom after Rose delivered the pizza cable repair box in Pollinating Your Flower III: The De-Flowering of the Preacher's Daughter.

I know you want it

No, slaughter. Actual, honest to God slaughter.

"Allen: They already are hunting you down, they’re hunting you down. If they find out about you, they come after you.

Wiles: Yes. They’re looking for people. They want trophies, they want your head on the wall, they want to put your head on the wall, they’re looking for scalps because it emboldens them and it sends fear into their opponents. It is the worst kind of tyranny."

Not only will the gay super Nazi soldiers ream America with their gayness, but they will scalp you! They want trophies. They want head!

Now, you're probably thinking this is some kind of joke. "Oh, this is some Onion-esque article and you fell for it like that time JamesT was in a Sasquatch costume." First of all, fuck you, that costume was fucking realistic. Second, this is no joke. I have journalistic integrity, so I checked my facts by using Google. Not only does typing "super gay male soldier" into Google give me several weeks worth of porn, but it also confirmed that the story is, in fact, true, because I skimmed several headlines and assumed they were true.

Just like CNN!

Now, you're probably thinking, "But this old news. It happened in April. Why are you talking about now?" Because, my American citizens, it's been several months and nothing has happened. Why aren't we searching for these gay super soldiers? They can't be too hard to find. Just go to San Francisco or my neighbor's house. You know, the ones who blast music at midnight. I'm pretty sure they're pretty homo.

We should be preparing for this new Holocaust, this...Homocaust. Erect our defenses! Cock our guns! Stroke the shaft of our freedom spears! Suckle the juices of our great nation to give us the strength to fight these gay Nazis and protect our oppressed minorities, the Christians. We have to stop the Homocaust before it occurs. The Jews said, "Never again." We say, "I did it once in college, that was it."

And this won't be an easy battle. Our enemies are super gay soldiers. And male! We all know women can't fight. That's why there aren't lesbian super soldiers; they aren't a threat. The only time lesbians were a threat was when that bitch Carly was macking on my then girlfriend. Excuse me, she's spoken for! Or was. Back on topic, these are super soldiers we will be facing. They will be strong, they will be super. Sculpted, glistening abs, very defined muscle tone, silky-smooth hair, pants tighter than a preacher's daughter's asshole, and morals looser than the other preacher's daughter's asshole.

In order to stop this Homocaust from coming to pass, we must be brutal. We must be ruthless. We must be stealthy. We must attack our enemies from the back and reach around to defeat them from the front. Ream them hard enough to leave them staggering. Bring them to their knees and have them open their mouths in awe of us. Make them come to their senses and realize that attacking America will never give them the satisfaction they deserve, especially if the battle lasts for two to three minutes.

I plead with you, my fellow Americans. The time to act is now. We must prepare for this war. We cannot allow history to repeat itself. Stand up, arm yourselves, stare your oppressor in the eye and say, "Damn it, Jim, we did it once in college, it meant nothing!"
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