1. Outside of standard benefits, what benefits should a company offer employees?Snowshoes and snowblowers, so we can walk all over the snowflakes, and then clean-up the mess.
2. What should the national minimum wage be?Trick question; it shouldn't be national. It should be based on the least amount of money someone can be hired for in any given situation.
3. How many sick days should be given to employees?I'm okay with five, unless you're planning on making them really sick, like say, the crew who cleans the dead animals out of tailings ponds, in which case six, max, and if they drop dead at day seven, you claw-back that action.
4. How often should employees get raises?Trick question; set raises are for the pussies who are too scared to demand they be compensated based on their ability to advance themselves, and the organization. Since raises don't advance the organization, the answer is never. Only through promotion, where the employee has advanced themselves on the unworthy carcasses of their coworkers, is enhanced compensation deserved.
5. How do you feel about guns?Trick question; feelings are for the weak.
6. What are your feelings about employees or clients carrying guns?Trick question; feelings are for the weak.
7. What are your feelings about safe spaces in challenging work environments?Trick question; feelings are for the weak.
8. In a creative environment like The Silent Partner Marketing, what do you envision work attire looking like?Trick question; the attire is what the leadership of the organization envisions work attire looking like (just like what I envision awkward phrasing sounding like).
9. Should “trigger warnings” be issued before we release content for clients or the company that might be considered “controversial”?Trick question; being "triggered" is a construct of modern political correctness, and therefore does not exist. It is impossible to warn against what does not exist. Or is this about guns? If guns, uhm - no? No! I'm settling on "no".
10. How do you feel about police?Trick question; feelings are for the weak.
11. If you owned the company and were to find out that a client is operating unethically but was a high paying client…how would you handle it?Trick question; a high-paying customer cannot be found to be operating unethically, because ethics are relative.
12. When was the last time you cried and why?Trick question; feelings are for the weak.
13. You arrive at an event for work and there’s a major celebrity you’ve always wanted to meet. What happens next?Trick question; my wants are those of the organization. If the organization wants me to meet a major celebrity, I will want to meet the major celebrity, in order to introduce my immediate supervisor to the major celebrity, and possibly debase myself to make my immediate supervisor look less like an idiot.
14. What’s your favorite kind of adult beverage?Whatever my boss likes, unless someone more senior likes something else and is nearby, though I assume my boss likes what my boss' boss likes, unless he's a total snowflake, hipster, who exists only for me to destroy.
15. What’s the best way to communicate with clients?A fine blend of discreet escorts and obnoxious purchase orders.
16. What’s your favorite thing to do in your free time?Trick question; my free time belongs to the organization.
17. What are your thoughts on the current college environment as it pertains to a future workforce?I will stomp upon the carcasses of those who are my juniors at the organization, thereby respecting and propagating the superior culture of the superior organization as exemplified by the superior management team of the superior organization.
18. What’s your typical breakfast?In the immortal words of Shooter McGavin, "You're in big trouble though, pal. I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!"
19. What’s your favorite drink when you go to a coffeehouse?Trick question; the closest I've come to a coffehouse was when my ex-girlfriend switched the channel from ESPN to a rerun of a show called "Friends".
20. How do you handle bullies?If the bully can handle himself, I feel no need to lend a hand.
21. How do you handle it when your ideas are shot down?My ideas are only those of my management, therefore, they are never shot-down.
22. What do you do if a coworker comes to the table with an idea and it sucks?I point-out all the ways that it isn't the same idea which management has already had, and therefore sucks.
23. What does the first amendment mean to you?My financial superiors can say what they want, along with people who agree with my financial superiors. All other thoughts and expressions are reprehensible and dangerous.
24. What does faith mean to you?I have faith that money can buy happiness, and my faith can be procured with the promise of money.
25. Who is your role model and why?You, because you are the greatest question-asker, ever.
26. “You’re in Starbucks with two friends. Someone runs in and says someone is coming in with a gun in 15 seconds to shoot patrons. They offer you a gun. Do you take it? What do you do next?”Trick question; I would never enter a Starbucks without enough guns to defend myself against hippies. Assuming I'm somehow unarmed, if someone ran in with a spare gun while raving about the next someone who is about to run in with one gun, it's obviously a false-flag operation (because no real human would give their gun to a random stranger is such a situation), so I'd shoot both the first and second gun-totting hippies.
27. What does America mean to you?Let me show you the tattoos.
28. You see someone stepping on an American flag. What do you do?I would immediately determine who let the flag be in a position such that it could be stepped-on, who the stepper-on was, and screamingly ensure they understand my first-amendment right to express my extreme disappointment.
29. What does “privilege” mean to you?Okay, this is question fucking twenty-nine, dude. Seriously? Most of these are, frankly, moronic, and in the real world, not likely to find you people who are actually better at what they would, or could, do for your company. People with original, creative thoughts lost you right around question 5. In-fact, rather than putting people through this tiresome exercise, why don't you have the courage of your convictions and list exactly what type of person you want to hire, rather than this passive-aggressive charade? Yeah, I said, "charade". So, "privilege"? You having applicants grovel through a questionnaire like this because you are frightened by anything which is different from whatever magical ideal you have built in your head, you are in a position to actually do it, and you are actually doing it. That is the exercise of privilege. For the good of your organization, you should not be in-charge of vetting any new-hires, but look, here you are! A person doing a job they should, by all accounts, not be doing - does that definition fit with you, slappy? Caveat: I recognize that you, as the giant CEO of a conservative marketing outfit I've not heard of before today are undertaking a marketing exercise, and probably don't really give two shits about who works for you, so long as they do the work well, which is, like, so meta.
30. What’s more important? Book smarts or street smarts? Why?I'm pretty-sure that based on my last twenty-nine answers, either I have the job, or I don't. In-case I didn't quite seal the deal, I'll go ahead with this one. The question is built on false pretenses. Sure, there are folks with plenty of theoretical knowledge, and there are folks with plenty of practical knowledge. Nobody actually exists in either world exclusively. That being said, and taking the question with a heavy dose of the idiomatic; there is no answer, because no context has been provided. On the other hand, people who ask that question on something like a "snowflake test" tend (and lo, here I go with the stereotyping, goodness me!) have one answer in mind.
Obviously,
the book learning.