(FL) - State police have released a statement today regarding an ongoing investigation into a local resident, unnamed in their report except for his online alias of "IamNotCreepy".
"Our department has been investigating this individual for some time in relation to a number of local unsolved crime sprees," stated Sergeant Thompson of the Florida Dept. of Law Enforcement during a press conference after the statement's release. "Initially, we had linked him to the Dolphin Molestation Crisis of Duval County, but a deeper look into this individual's history and activity led to a much darker picture. We believe he may also be involved in the Licking Random Park Benches Situation in Daytona Beach, the Shower of Tiny Prosthetic Penises in Gainesville, and the Standing Really Close to People for No Apparent Reason Epidemic that's been terrorizing St. Augustine."
The sergeant added that they had amassed a wealth of evidence against this suspect, noting "The real smoking gun was that he ever thought that username would be convincing."
Sgt. Thompson then confirmed that this had been a combined effort between local and state police, as well as the Federal Office of Reprehensible Activity Stoppage. He stated, however, that the latter's efforts had been detected by the suspect and actively hindered their investigation.
"Unfortunately, we do believe that IAmNotCreepy is very familiar with FedORAS," Thompson acknowledged.
Sgt. Thompson went on to say that he was amazed at the depth and depravity of the crimes the suspect had been linked to. "This individual is probably the creepiest person I have had the misfortune to encounter," he stated. "And this is Florida, for God's sake."
Local and state investigators have reassured the public that they are pouring their full attention into this investigation, and will not stop until he is apprehended by law enforcement.
At the end of the press conference, Sgt. Thompson stopped to add, "He also really sucks at Pokemon Go."
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