NOW FOR THE ARTICLE:
Today, Cracked, having run out of drug dealers and hookers to tell us the stories of their wretched lives, gives us a tedious monolog a story about what it's like to be a hipster. It's just as bad as you think.
The article is all about how shallow the subject of the article is. Seriously, that's what the article is about. He suffers so much anxiety and torment over his physical appearance, he must be seriously mentally ill. Or, maybe he is only pretending to be mentally ill, because he wants to be more like his hero, Patrick Bateman. Bateman is the protagonist of American Psycho, and as the title of the movie may indicate, he's insane. This Cracked article makes constant references to American Psycho and the author frequently compares himself to Patrick Bateman as if he's proud about having an anxiety attack over pants design.
Have you ever met a stupid little goth kid who brags about how "insane" they are as if they are special and important? That's pretty much what this article is, except it's an adult.
I'm not quite sure what Cracked is trying to do here. I guess it's supposed to be comedy? The constant references to American Psycho leave me with the impression that it's just trying to ride off the success of that movie somehow.