Okay, you guys asked for it.
I'm gonna win this thread with my collection from past witty comments that caught my eye on Cracked.com.
So, sparing no effort to shamelessly bask in the glory of others' creativity, I shall post a few comments with stolen content, attributed where possible:
Thunderous
10/23/12 05:55 AM +7
We don't wrestle, that's gauche. We engage in the tradition forms of Cracked dueling: Gentleman rap battles or beating one another with their own kind.
BandCampFlute
10/23/12 06:03 AM +11
Oh I can gentlemen rap:
Acquire currency.
Fornicate with women of questionable morality.
Thunderous
10/23/12 07:18 AM+13
I’m afraid, good sir, that your rap is ineffective,
It’s really quite terrible, if we’re being objective.
Come on, old bean, give it another go,
The people have come in hopes of a show!
I must warn you, though; I will defend this badge to the last,
And soon your flag will be flying at half -mast.
Really, I can’t blame you for failing in your mission,
I've slain more men than geriatric conditions!
Come on now, Flutey, have you no response?
I guess I've finished you, at least for the nonce.
Thunderous
10/23/12 07:21 AM +13
It seems the comment system has destroyed my rhyming structure,
I guess I'll have to settle for calling you a motherfucker.
BandCampFlute
10/23/12 07:43 AM +9
Well hold on there good chap,
The fight’s just begun.
Before the day’s out you’ll see that I’ve won.
Answering honestly your rhymes are such crap.
You strut around these comments, your neckbeard a flutter,
You claim you’re the man though you’re nothing but mean.
You’re less of a man than wonderwomanjean.
Dropping these phat rhymes, you can only just stutter.
Your badge shall be mine you miserable knave.
I won’t hold back, I’ll steal and I’ll plunder,
Hey just last night your mom gave me a down under.
Enter a rap battle with me, well you’ve dug your own grave.
BandCampFlute
10/23/12 07:46 AM +8
Forsooth, check my ABBA rhyme scheme to his simple minded AABB. I mean this is a gentlemen's
rap and he chooses the form of the commoners!
Verily, m**********r
Thunderous
10/23/12 08:03 AM +4
Well now, that’s good, there’s life in you yet,
And what’s more you seem to have some skill at rapping.
Now the gloves are off, your bones are snapping,
Come on, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to make a bet!
You see, Flute, you crossed a line when talking about my mother,
I wasn't going to bring up your family into this,
But you started it, and I have targets I can’t miss,
I’ll watch you fall in your mother’s fat and smother.
You think to insult my manhood, but you haven’t got a chance,
I can see the jealousy in your eyes when I lay it on the table,
Just last night your sister swore my skin was sable,
And, well, let’s just say I pierced her visor with my lance.
I suggest you quit now, it’s clear I will win,
And really, trying to fight your betters? I’m sure that’s a sin.
BandCampFlute
10/23/12 08:36 AM +7
Oh we’ve barely begun, I’m taking you down.
After this round, I’m sure you won’t go again,
You’ll be licking your wounds with old Dr. Logan.
All shattered and torn, while I take your crown.
I’ll agree to be civil, so family is out.
I’ll focus on you, how you to try to be witty,
Hate break it to you Thunder, but those thumbs are from pity.
You’re comments fall limp, like floundering trout.
On the topic of my Johnson,
Ask the ladies, it’s sure not lacking.
At its mere sight, their lips are a smacking.
I’ve even impressed the good Ron Swanson.
I’m sure I will win, so let the Commenters Vote,
Especially since I know, about Ash and that goat...
Thunderous
10/23/12 09:28 AM +4
Well now you've stepped up, but I really must frown,
Because, really, my man, you want to talk about witty?
You stole your name from a movie, now that’s pretty shitty.
If that’s the best you got, good luck getting my crown.
I see your pleas to the commenters, but they fall on deaf ears,
I’ve got Darkstrolm, and Booboobs, and Michael too,
Not to mention my main man, Buttress Q.
And another special friend, one who feasts on your fears.
That’s right, you poor sod, it’s time to call Mike;
This is what happens when a boy tries to be H.A.M.
When you know, and I know, you’re nothing but Spam.
This is a last warning, just take a hike.
You've called for a vote, but this isn't played out,
Give up now, son, or for mercy you’ll shout.
BandCampFlute
10/23/12 10:27 AM +7
As we enter Round 3, you’re running quite dry.
You may diss my name but you haven’t got a clue,
Why you stole yours from the sound of the boos
When you’re jokes fall flat and you can only but cry.
Why call out your posse?
Can you not win without their support?
As you retreat to the hills from this pointed retort.
Name dropping is dumb, get back to Degrassi.
You’re calling me Spam but you’re the real swine.
Bacon for up votes while I drop some puns. Indeed.
You want to win, fine I’ll concede.
This battle’s beneath me, all you do is whine.
Step down now son, get out of my house.
Cause you just got schooled by a flute playing mouse.
BandCampFlute
10/23/12 10:42 AM +7
I call for a truce, let’s end this with peace.
I’m supposed to be at work, oh well, sheesh...
No one is listening, I fear they’ve grown bored.
We shouldn’t press on just to be so ignored.
You rhyme like a pro, on par with the Bard,
How about a free beer, on down in my yard?
I say we team up, we’ll be quite a force.
We’ll rule the land, on top of a horse.
You keep your badge, and I’ll just sit pretty.
You’ve earned it my son, for you are quite witty.
This battle’s been epic but maybe let’s end,
I lay down my sword, what say you new friend?
Thunderous
10/23/12 12:16 PM +5
Well, BandCampFlute, you're a better man than I,
I have this week off and was looking for a fight,
But with the beauty of your rhymes (man what a sight)
You’ve turned foe into friend, I must admit with a sigh.
You’re right when you noticed we've been tuned out,
It seems we lack the votes to draw more attention,
So our duel is lacking its proper tension.
I hang up my gloves and declare the end to this bout.
I think your offer to drink is really quite grand,
I don’t have any beer, but I can bring some whiskey,
(And even some tequila if you wanna get frisky)
So let us celebrate our truce ‘til we can no longer stand!
BandCampFlute
10/23/12 12:35 PM +5
Looks like our battle of wits has brought about change! Everyone
has badges.
Hey wait a minute Cracked pulled a Dr. Seuss on us! This is the plot
of The Sneetches! Those devious batards. Oh well, pass me that
tequila you were talking about.
*Slow clap*
*murmering among the crowd*
*thunderous applause erupts*
*standing ovation*
So, is this one person in two guises, or two individuals going at it? I'm awe struck either way.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, while others merely gargle.
--
There are 4 boxes to use in the defence of liberty:
1) soap, 2) ballot, 3) jury, 4) ammo.
Use in that order.