Dustbin of History: Missouri [HW]

Dustbin of History: Missouri [HW]

Postby Matt the Czar » Thu Aug 06, 2015 10:21 am

Some things in history were unique or entertaining -- maybe even popular or revolutionary -- but then simply died out, fading into obscurity. Other things, however, have persisted despite their unpopularity. We don't tend to notice them, but upon thinking closely, we may decide we'd like to wipe them from the face of the Earth, and plant a few roses in its place. I am, of course, talking about Missouri.



#5: It Didn't Have the Balls to Secede



In the early 19th century, slavery was the big issue splitting the nation apart. In the South, most of the local industry depended farming performed by slaves, as John Deere hadn't yet been born. Meanwhile, Northern factories simply hired wage slaves, not needing buy and sell humans. This caused a war between the slaves states that wanted to be recognized as a separate nation, and the ones that didn't. After the war ended, the United States banned slavery, becoming the second-to-last nation to do so. The last was Brazil, which had the excuse of needing to fight Paraguay. More on that later.

Some slave states were a bunch of pansies, and were too afraid to leave the Union. Lincoln allowed slavery even longer in those states than in the Confederacy for fear of losing those states too. This included Missouri, which was featured on the Confederate flag despite not having ever been a part of the Confederacy. Shame on you, Missouri!

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You let those racists down!



#4: The Arch in St. Louis Looks Stupid



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The Gateway Arch, shown here being a wuss and wearing pink.

St. Louis is a pretty cool city, and may be in fact be the one reason to save Missouri. Sadly, it has a fatal flaw: that stupid Arch. I mean, just look at it! It's not Freudian enough to warrant being built, and it doesn't even stretch over the Mississippi.

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If it can't be a bridge, don't get over it.



#3: It Totally Stole Paraguay's Flag



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Paraguay was founded in 1811 a day before being recognized by the Spanish government. Missouri was founded in 1821, 10 years later. How did the state celebrate? By ripping off the nation's flag.

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Flag of Paraguay in 1812.

Now, I have no proof for this theory. "How do you know it's true, then?", you ask! Well, that leads me to my next entry:



#3: There is Nothing Interesting to Write About Missouri



Why are you so boring Missouri? Ok, this gets me to my final point!



#1: IrishJava Lives There



The worst part of Missouri isn't the state itself. It's the people in it, in particular, one insipid Gaelic coffee-lover who lives there. Oh, how he festers, safe inside the borders of Missouri. Ten thousand drop bears couldn't drive me off his scent. Soon, I will catch up to him, and will dispense my hate, liberally...

I will find IrishJava. I will find him! I WILL FIND HIM!

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Re: Dustbin of History: Missouri [HW]

Postby FieldMarshalFry » Thu Aug 06, 2015 1:39 pm

uhhhh Matt, you're missing #2
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Re: Dustbin of History: Missouri [HW]

Postby mancityfooty » Thu Aug 06, 2015 1:48 pm

I think he makes up for it with double the number threes.
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Re: Dustbin of History: Missouri [HW]

Postby Gendry » Thu Aug 06, 2015 3:30 pm

Or maybe his point was that most of us wouldn't notice that he was missing #2 because Missouri is so goddamn boring.
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Re: Dustbin of History: Missouri [HW]

Postby sunglasses » Thu Aug 06, 2015 3:50 pm

Yeah, well at least his hate target doesn't live near a literal den of sin-D.C. like DjiboutiDan.
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Re: Dustbin of History: Missouri [HW]

Postby Irishjava » Thu Aug 06, 2015 4:53 pm

This is, far and away, the greatest thing I've ever seen. An expertly crafted, artfully edited takedown of the state... I lived in for 5 months during Army training.

I'M FROM SOUTH CAROLINA.

You just missed by 800 miles. You're what happens when a Stormtrooper and Wile E. Coyote have a baby. If you were a soccer player, you'd have just kicked the ball into a basketball hoop somehow.

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You've killed baby Missouri with your carelessness.
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Re: Dustbin of History: Missouri [HW]

Postby Matthew Notch » Thu Aug 06, 2015 5:25 pm

yaaaaaaaaaaay a Hate Week article


But for reals, the Arch is actually sorta kinda cool. When I went to St. Louis for truck school, I rode on the little things that take you up to the top of the Arch. It was a really neat view, and I got some pretty good pictures. Missouri on the whole is actually a really pretty state, what with the hills and the rivers and the forests. They just have awful roads, meaner people, and the rest of St. Louis that isn't the Arch that makes them just not as good as Kansas. It's an old and petty rivalry, but that's how we roll here in the Midwest.

Srsly, St. Louis is the pits
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Re: Dustbin of History: Missouri [HW]

Postby Matt the Czar » Thu Aug 06, 2015 10:55 pm

Irishjava wrote:I'M FROM SOUTH CAROLINA.


Well, post more dammit! It's like trying to write a cinematic epic off of a story one of your friends told you while he was shitfaced!
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Re: Dustbin of History: Missouri [HW]

Postby JamishT » Fri Aug 07, 2015 2:27 am

Hey I live in Missouri! It's awful to drive through, and St. Louis suuuuucks, but KC is basically the best city ever. Basically, Kansas City is all the threads that AdricTheNormal hasn't sullied with his "contributions", and all the threads he's started are St. Louis.



This post has been brought to you by the Missouri Department Of Transportation ("We Cover Potholes With Steel Plates For Fun!") and Hate Week.
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Re: Dustbin of History: Missouri [HW]

Postby Beernpotatoes » Fri Aug 07, 2015 3:05 am

Interesting stuff.  Thanks.
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Re: Dustbin of History: Missouri [HW]

Postby Irishjava » Fri Aug 07, 2015 1:59 pm

Matt the Czar wrote:
Irishjava wrote:I'M FROM SOUTH CAROLINA.


Well, post more dammit! It's like trying to write a cinematic epic off of a story one of your friends told you while he was shitfaced!


The fact that 35 posts isn't too much to sift through only serves to make this oversight more unforgivable:

Irishjava, July 21st 2015, literally the first line of a post less than a month ago wrote:I live in South Carolina
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Re: Dustbin of History: Missouri [HW]

Postby Edgar Cabrera » Mon Jan 18, 2016 4:15 pm

Matt the Czar wrote:#3: It Totally Stole Paraguay's Flag



Image
Image

Paraguay was founded in 1811 a day before being recognized by the Spanish government. Missouri was founded in 1821, 10 years later. How did the state celebrate? By ripping off the nation's flag.

Image
Flag of Paraguay in 1812.

Now, I have no proof for this theory.

Yoo-hoo!!! My country is remembered!!!
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