#5: It Didn't Have the Balls to Secede
In the early 19th century, slavery was the big issue splitting the nation apart. In the South, most of the local industry depended farming performed by slaves, as John Deere hadn't yet been born. Meanwhile, Northern factories simply hired wage slaves, not needing buy and sell humans. This caused a war between the slaves states that wanted to be recognized as a separate nation, and the ones that didn't. After the war ended, the United States banned slavery, becoming the second-to-last nation to do so. The last was Brazil, which had the excuse of needing to fight Paraguay. More on that later.
Some slave states were a bunch of pansies, and were too afraid to leave the Union. Lincoln allowed slavery even longer in those states than in the Confederacy for fear of losing those states too. This included Missouri, which was featured on the Confederate flag despite not having ever been a part of the Confederacy. Shame on you, Missouri!
You let those racists down!
#4: The Arch in St. Louis Looks Stupid
The Gateway Arch, shown here being a wuss and wearing pink.
St. Louis is a pretty cool city, and may be in fact be the one reason to save Missouri. Sadly, it has a fatal flaw: that stupid Arch. I mean, just look at it! It's not Freudian enough to warrant being built, and it doesn't even stretch over the Mississippi.
If it can't be a bridge, don't get over it.
#3: It Totally Stole Paraguay's Flag
Paraguay was founded in 1811 a day before being recognized by the Spanish government. Missouri was founded in 1821, 10 years later. How did the state celebrate? By ripping off the nation's flag.
Flag of Paraguay in 1812.
Now, I have no proof for this theory. "How do you know it's true, then?", you ask! Well, that leads me to my next entry:
#3: There is Nothing Interesting to Write About Missouri
Why are you so boring Missouri? Ok, this gets me to my final point!
#1: IrishJava Lives There
The worst part of Missouri isn't the state itself. It's the people in it, in particular, one insipid Gaelic coffee-lover who lives there. Oh, how he festers, safe inside the borders of Missouri. Ten thousand drop bears couldn't drive me off his scent. Soon, I will catch up to him, and will dispense my hate, liberally...
I will find IrishJava. I will find him! I WILL FIND HIM!