Australia is the Shittiest Place on Earth (HW)

Australia is the Shittiest Place on Earth (HW)

Postby JamesT » Mon Aug 03, 2015 11:35 pm

They call it the land down under, but they never say under WHAT. I'm here to tell you the answer.

Australia is a place below goodness, decency, and civilization. It occupies a location beneath the laws of man and nature, as it follows its own putrid set of rules that are unfathomable to a decent, sane mind. In this squalid hellhole devoid of anything that we could call mercy or boundaries, the air is filled with a cacophony of pained shrieks and horrid, ear-piercing sounds that defy description, all emanating from the multitudinous hell-spawn that call the country and continent their home.

Located deep in the bush and undergrowth are creatures that will poison you, maul you, eat you and your babies, poison you, tear you limb from limb, and poison you. Things that have no earthly reason to be venomous—since they are already born death-machines with huge teeth and sinewy muscle—are venomous anyway because fuck you, you deserve to die twice.

The one creature in Australia that does not have a huge gaping maw that will swallow you whole and poison you on the way down is the deceptively cute koala bear, and it sounds like this:

phpBB [video]


That is a sound so horrible it will make you spontaneously abort from your unborn child trying to run the fuck away from whatever is causing that god awful racket... even if you aren't even pregnant... EVEN IF YOU'RE A MAN.

But we all know about the horrid wildlife. Let's go on to talk about the civilization, or the lack of it. It's no coincidence that Mad Max was filmed in Australia. Really, all they had to do to simulate Mad Max's run down world gone mad filled with sadistic bands of homoerotic leather-clad marauders was film a normal day in Australia and edit out the racism and violent alcoholism.

Image
A normal day in Sydney.


In fact, this portrayal of the outback was so kind that the country's tourism board decided to use Mad Max publicity stills in place of their previous ad campaign—a series of images showing dead tourists with captions like "If the dingoes don't get you, the bogans will."

So in short, fuck you, Australia. You're a horrible continent.

I don't know why my fellow mods decided to team me up with a whole continent and not a user, but I'm making the best of it.
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Re: Australia is the Shittiest Place on Earth (HW)

Postby FieldMarshalFry » Tue Aug 04, 2015 5:32 am

the British Empire does not accept responsibility for Australia, we maintain filling the place with convicts was a good idea
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Re: Australia is the Shittiest Place on Earth (HW)

Postby Bromo » Tue Aug 04, 2015 8:38 am

*Watches koala video*

Damn, son. That's what happens when you disturb a koala from its stoned slumber.
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Re: Australia is the Shittiest Place on Earth (HW)

Postby Australia » Tue Aug 04, 2015 12:38 pm

All of this is common knowledge that I have never lied about. See, I have a thing called honour. I don't have much of it but compared to Presidential NOminee Hopeless Homeless Hack, I'm a fucking knight. He lives in a box drinking whiskey not because he's a poor alcoholic but because he doesn't want any money going to his ten down-syndrome wives and he's funneled it all into some ridiculous race for world leader because they're tracking him down and he doesn't want a cent on him on the off-chance one of them wins the fight to the death he has planned for First Lady. And none of this is JamesT upfront about.

Yes, I live in a country that's trying to kill me along with any tourists or people with actual lives but this attempt at diversion via victim-blaming is as see-through as JamesT's only pair of underpants. I am not responsible for the actions of my wildlife or lack of morality. JamesT is responsible for the millions of lives he's destroyed just by personally interacting with them or being in their general vicinity.

Science, bitch!.png
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Re: Australia is the Shittiest Place on Earth (HW)

Postby Nullbert » Tue Aug 04, 2015 6:17 pm

Australia may be the shittiest place on earth in your opinion, but I guarantee it looks like sunny fucking Spain in comparison to any area within the immediate vicinity of Cobra-D. In fact, Cobra-D is such a toxic influence on the planet that he's probably the reason Australia is such a minefield of snakes and general what-the-fuckery. I mean, he even has the word cobra in his name.

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Re: Australia is the Shittiest Place on Earth (HW)

Postby iMURDAu » Tue Aug 04, 2015 9:06 pm

I dunno. The Netherlands have a turd in their bowl going by the moniker Askias. Why do you think they have to get high all the time? Coping with that knowledge would make me want to pull my toenails off so they must be pretty tolerant folks over there.

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Re: Australia is the Shittiest Place on Earth (HW)

Postby Deathclaw_Puncher » Wed Aug 05, 2015 12:52 am

The shittiest place on Earth is anywhere that currently is in a wet season.

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Re: Australia is the Shittiest Place on Earth (HW)

Postby sunglasses » Wed Aug 05, 2015 1:05 am

The shittiest place on earth is Texas. You know who lives in Texas? I know you know.
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Re: Australia is the Shittiest Place on Earth (HW)

Postby Australia » Wed Aug 05, 2015 1:14 am

Absolutely. Texans.
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Re: Australia is the Shittiest Place on Earth (HW)

Postby JamesT » Wed Aug 05, 2015 2:42 am

I find it notable that Australia mentions my ex wives' Down's Syndrome as if it were some great crime... as if being mentally impaired made one less than human. This is no surprise coming from a continent whose mental healthcare system can be summed up as "Thunderdome-esque." Now I know what you're all thinking: can't we all just get beyond Thunderdome? First of all, fuck you for that joke. Second of all no, we can't. We have to remember the past to move forward and not make the same mistakes. It is from history that we learn our greatest lessons and reap our greatest rewards.

And from Australia's historical treatment of the mentally impaired

phpBB [video]


...we can learn but one lesson. We all have common humanity, whether we be Master or Blaster, and no one—not even a continent full of outlaws and malcontents—can take that from us.

disclaimers all up in this bitch?
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Re: Australia is the Shittiest Place on Earth (HW)

Postby LaChaise » Wed Aug 05, 2015 5:05 am

This thread has a point. You know who lives in Australia? DogLovingJim.

People who try to get as far away from civilization as they can must have something to hide. Now I wonder what that'd be...
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Re: Australia is the Shittiest Place on Earth (HW)

Postby DoglovingJim » Wed Aug 05, 2015 8:04 am

LaChaise wrote:This thread has a point. You know who lives in Australia? DogLovingJim.

People who try to get as far away from civilization as they can must have something to hide. Now I wonder what that'd be...


Something to hide?

Says the guy presumably pretending to be Gunter from adventure-time, something referred to by the demon who rules the Nightosphere as the most evil thing he had ever encountered.

Image
And you like cats... *spits*

Uh... not that I watch such shows, because that's for babies. and your a childish little baby for watching it.

Spoiler: show
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Re: Australia is the Shittiest Place on Earth (HW)

Postby LaChaise » Wed Aug 05, 2015 8:20 am

I'd rather be the most evil than the most behind the times, disgusting man there is. Go bing your furry porn on your radio, old-timer, the futuristic technology of phpBB 3 will end up literally blowing your mind.

Plus if everybody knows I'm the most evil being there is, doesn't that mean that I don't have anything to hide?
Spoiler: show
Well, nothing you can expose without spoiling the show anyway! *runs away into the night, laughing*
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Re: Australia is the Shittiest Place on Earth (HW)

Postby DoglovingJim » Wed Aug 05, 2015 10:31 am

LaChaise wrote:Well, nothing you can expose without spoiling the show anyway! *runs away into the night, laughing*


I would spoil that show for you so bad... but doing so would mean that I have to spoil it for myself and I can't let that happen.

Uh... not that I would watch such a show, which is for babies like you.


Spoiler: show
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Cracked.com wrote:Initially, his interest in animals was "primarily a sexual attraction," but as he grew older, he also "developed the emotional attraction." We guess we could call what Jim does ... dog-lovin'
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Re: Australia is the Shittiest Place on Earth (HW)

Postby JamesT » Fri Aug 07, 2015 11:20 pm

Today, Australia killed my cousin.

I was talking to her just yesterday, as we often do when she has the time. She seemed excited, then. She told me she was going on a trip across the world—that her husband had surprised her with tickets last week. He wouldn't tell her where, but she was just so excited about going someplace exotic (you see, she's never left the US) and she trusted her husband, so she didn't push for details. The only thing he would tell her about the place they were going is that it was warm, so she packed accordingly, giddy with anticipation at what would surely be the trip of a lifetime with someone she loved.

Then, as they were on the plane to their destination her "loving" husband told her where they were going. According to witnesses he laughed as he told her.

Australia.

They say it only took her a few seconds to get the door open. She was dead before she hit the ground.

All day I've been wondering how this could happen. Her husband was a loving man. He was gentle and would never think of harming her. So why would he do something so cruel? Well, witnesses noticed something strange after the incident. Lying on the seat was a mask that looked just like my cousin's husband, and when they all exited the plane, they noticed a man they hadn't seen before... a man with half his face scarred horribly.

I demand justice.
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