Um, this post is really mean and it made me sad :( I thought we were cricket buddies and everything! I even made a list of all the nice things that make Cordslash so awesome. And I'm still going to post it because I am a nice person like that.
Why Cordslash Is Awesome
-A list by NisiOptimum, professional lister
-His poor hygiene makes mine look better by comparison.
-Always stays cheerful, despite being Cordslash.
-He is very generous and always offers to pick up the check. It's a shame he's forgotten his wallet 293 times in a row, but it's the thought that counts.
-Forgetfulness means he is always getting into hilarious scrapes! Like when he forgot his keys and I had to help him break into his 9 separate houses.
-Always carries a duffel bag full of oregano, presumably for impromptu bakeoffs.
-Very frugal. Makes his own pants out of garbage bags and twine.
-Often catches seagulls out of the air in his teeth and devours them in a feral crouch. This keeps pest numbers down, although it upsets the children.
-Very strong. I have seen him fight multiple Rottweilers armed only with balloon animal giraffe.
-Is dating a balloon animal giraffe, which is very open-minded.
-Invented a sport where you weave your dreads into boxing gloves and pummel yourself senseless in line at Subway. I believe it will be in the Olympics soon.
-Very brave, like that time he downed a trash bag full of homemade cider in the park and then ran through the window of that HSBC.
-Always knows where his teeth are, if u kno what I mean.
-Frequent screaming probably keeps ghosts away.
-Very good at tunneling. I have seen him claw through 20 feet of dirt just to batter himself unconscious on my septic tank.
-Can communicate with rodents, although only only uses this power for crude sexual remarks.
-Has appeared in
National Geographic on five occasions, twice with a reward attached.
-Terrifying bionic arm can punch through steel, which is a cool trick for parties or children's fetes.
-Always happy to show you his cool scars. You have to stop him before he gets to his dick scars though, because what they spell out cannot be known by man.
-Because of his constant incontinence, he always gets the whole bus to himself.
-Because of his constant incontinence, he always gets the whole Chuck E. Cheese to himself.
-He is a very good swimmer. No matter how many times we maroon him he always comes back. Once, we buried him in a vault, but he gnawed his way out.
-Always stuffs his jacket with thousands of dental dams to deflect shotgun pellets. Like the cub scouts said, be prepared!
-Loves tearing up old papers, meaning you never have to buy a shredder when you're friends with him.
So those are all the things that make Cordslash so awesome. Oh no! Do those all accidentally make him look like a big piece of shit instead? How terrible!
U big piece of shit.