This Just In: State Puppet Sex Scandal (HW)

This Just In: State Puppet Sex Scandal (HW)

Postby Jack Road » Sun Jul 27, 2014 6:31 pm

Hey guys. I’m Jack Road. You might remember me from being really sexy on TV. If not, you probably remember me from my incisive and award winning articles. Or you might not know me, if you are a Communist baby raper. By which I mean you are a Communist that rapes babies, not someone who rapes Communist babies, which would be totally fine. Nothing teaches Communist babies the miracle of Fascism more, than early and often rapings.

But regardless of who is raping which babies, I have something important to share with all of you. And this is what I have to share. Bert, who some of you might know, and even respect, is not a good puppet of the state at all!

You know how I know this? Because he is so proud of it! Look how he lords over the little country he runs. Look how he praises its virtues.

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Now I know you may be looking at our virtues.

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And you might be doubting the grace and love of our All Father. And no doubt those that are vocally doubting are enjoying vacations abroad, in gratitude for their free speech. And no doubt they will enjoy themselves so much, that they will never return. But let me say this. everything he says about his country, is lies. Lies straight from the devil. Let us just say, lies straight from Bert. (I’m implying he is the devil here, without saying it.)

Let us consider the facts.

Fact #1: Bert Murders Dogs While Listening To Sarah McLachlan

Look at this picture of him and a dog he found. Even in this picture you can see he is plotting to do terrible things to that dog.

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Now look.

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See? He killed that dog. He probably even raped it a little. It is a well known fact that Bert loves peanut butter. You know who else love peanut butter? Some murderers, that is who! How do I know he listens to Sarah McLachlan whilst murdering pups? Well what kind of dog murderer would not listen to Sarah McLachlan whilst murdering pups? Clearly not him.

Fact #2: Bert is into Bestiality (Not The Good Kind)

You know how I know this? By carefully watching him play our National Card Game, Cards Against Humans (CAH)

I have no pictorial proof of this, but those of you that have also played our beloved pastime know this all to well, and can testify. Time and time again Bert is presented with much funnier cards while acting as Card Stalin. And time and time again he eschews common convention in order to choose this card. Warning: Not for the faint of heart, or the feint of heart.

Spoiler: show
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That's right folks! Bert thinks Anteaters are attractive, or at least humorous. Bert has carnal desires for the devour-er of our primary food source!

My Conclusion
Like all good reporters, I only have two points. Because two points is all I need to devil's three-way this devil the fuck out of here! Think of the children. Think how upset they would be if this monster raped their anteater, or murdered and then raped their puppies? Think how upset you would be if they read this and started saying the word "fuck?" It would be all Bert's fault.

I say, get Bert out of here. Maybe kill him a little if you have too. But most definitely get him out. I suggest tar and feather hang burning.

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Re: This Just In: State Puppet Sex Scandal (HW)

Postby Jack Road » Mon Jul 28, 2014 4:22 am

Now I know what some of you might be saying. "I'm not sure all these things are true, and maybe some of them are true, but are about other people named Bert. Maybe you got confused."

No gentle fascist. I was not confused. Let me ask you this. If another guy named Hannibal Lecter only killed and ate one guy, and they accidentally blamed his crime on the infamous Hannibal Lecter, would it really matter?

No. No it would not.

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Re: This Just In: State Puppet Sex Scandal (HW)

Postby Nullbert » Mon Jul 28, 2014 4:31 pm

OH SHIT!
Wait... oh... I saw Bert and for a minute I was worried you were talking about me... uh... carry on...
*Quickly throws laptop full of anteater pictures out the window*
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Re: This Just In: State Puppet Sex Scandal (HW)

Postby sunglasses » Mon Jul 28, 2014 4:58 pm

JackRoad wrote:Now I know what some of you might be saying. "I'm not sure all these things are true, and maybe some of them are true, but are about other people named Typical Michael. Maybe you got confused."



I fixed it.


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