PSA: Do NOT accept tokens of friendship from Kate (HW)

PSA: Do NOT accept tokens of friendship from Kate (HW)

Postby SilverMaple » Sun Aug 13, 2017 2:47 am

You may be aware that a certain red-haired deceiver has been attempting to convince you all that I am a sinister practitioner of the dark (chocolate) baking arts, caring nothing for my fellow commenters and merely looking to fill the world with delicious baked goods for my own gain. Well, I am here today to not only expose her foul lies and assure you that I have only the purest intentions, but to bring your attention to her dastardly scheme to entrance me with her sorcery and fatten you all up.

Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce you to the Spatula of Fate, an alleged gift of holiday cheer from our very own Kate when I visited Bert in DC last winter. At first glance, it appears to be an innocuous festive baking utensil, but I promise you, it is much more.

It started innocently at first. Some cookies here, a batch of cinnamon rolls there. All aided by this handy non-stick spatula. My family and co-workers raved about these goodies, so naturally, I made more, grateful for the gift. I thought I might put it away once the warm weather finally came around, but its foul magics whispered in my ear, convincing me to make just one more batch of lemon bars...

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...and around rolled the summer, and still the cursed utensil had me slaving over a hot oven day and night, and I was spellbound, compelled to bake brownies into the wee hours of the night...

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Once the madness truly took hold, I even went so far as to add cream cheese topping to the brownies under the Spatula's influence, watching helplessly as my co-workers trampled each other on their way to the break room, determined to have their fill of these most bewitching treats.

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I watched helplessly as the entire genomics lab struggled to fit into their lab coats, as my family's blood sugar rose to seemingly impossible levels. "Surely our dearest Kate would never wish this upon us," I thought to myself. "It was merely a friendly chuckle I heard when I walked out of her door, not an evil cackle worthy of the inevitable Wizard of Oz gritty reboot! Surely when she muttered about 'her plan being nearly complete', she merely meant that her plan to bring us closer as friends succeeded!", I tried to convince myself.

It was only when all four elevators in our building went out of order after the lab assistants tried going down to the cafeteria for a cup of coffee together one too many times that I realized what was truly happening. That is correct, ladies and gentlemen, our supposedly sweet and sympathetic Kate is attempting to render all of Canada out of shape and powerless in the face of Trump's inevitable march to conquer the great white North. So I ask you again, fellow commenters, who is the true villain here?

The Spatula of Fate's twisted magic even drove me to drink. Or at least that's what I'm telling my parents.

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Either way, I implore you, do not accept Kate's tainted "gifts," lest your homeland fall to the evils of excessive baked goods, and further this scarlet she-devil's sinister plot.

This post has been brought to you by Robin Hood Flour, and Hate Week.
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Bert wrote:The best part of my job is fistfighting an 8 year old every day.


//Friend come and go, like the wave in the ocean, but true ones stay like an octopus on our face.\\
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Re: PSA: Do NOT accept tokens of friendship from Kate (HW)

Postby iMURDAu » Sun Aug 13, 2017 1:40 pm

And she lives in Colorado now so her gifts will also be tainted with mountain air (the smell of rotting trees and elk dung), cannabinoids (I probably spelled that wrong but you get the idea), and crunchy granola (twigs, bark, wildflower berries). I heard the reason she moved there was to be closer the the Lizard people who run the world.

Still better than the weirdos in Austin. Like that cmsellers character. He's open and honest about having Ted Cruz as a Senator. I don't get it.

And then, right at the end of Hate Week everyone on the site stood up and applauded.
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“This is going to become a bad meme,” Todd observed.
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Re: PSA: Do NOT accept tokens of friendship from Kate (HW)

Postby cmsellers » Sun Aug 13, 2017 7:24 pm

You're just jealous because neither of your Senators knows how to Zodiac kill, nor did their fathers kill JFK.

Besides, what other state has a Senator so manly he brags about beating his own daughters and threatens to do the same to reporters? I mean, sure, Montana has a Congressman who actually assaults reporters, but then he apologizes afterwards like a chump.

In fairness, MURDA's daddy did kill RFK, but nobody cared.
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