PSA: Do NOT eat Maple's Brownies (HW)

PSA: Do NOT eat Maple's Brownies (HW)

Postby Kate » Tue Aug 08, 2017 6:42 am

Fellow TCSers, you have heard tell of SilverMaple's delicious brownies, and I'm here to warn you: Do NOT eat them.

SilverMaple's brownies are addictive. They're basically cigarettes, but worse. Because she's just baking them as "gifts" for her "friends" the FDA refuses to get involved. This is Trump's America, folks, and it's all going to hell because of these Canadian brownies.

I know, I know. You're skeptical. "But Kate," you say. "These are just insanely delicious brownies. Everyone clamors for them. They taste fantastic! What's the problem?"

The problem is, before I had tasted these brownies, I looked like this:
Before Maple.png
Before Maple.png (14.32 KiB) Viewed 2551 times


Now, after a four week whirlwind bender, I look like this:
After Maple.png
After Maple.png (15.11 KiB) Viewed 2551 times


Once you start eating them, you can't stop. Brownies are now my life. She gets you hooked with the first bite, and then you need to come back for more, and more, and more. Why? Why would she do this?

Simple, my friends.

She's fattening. Us. Up.

Because she's a witch.

Duh.

She starts off all friendly. "Oh, sorry, here's some brownies for you, friend, eh?"

But by the time she's done with you, you'll be knee-deep in regret and crumbs.

I'm on the case. I've contacted some experts to help me deal with her. In the meantime, don't fall for her tricks. Yes, she seems like one of the most awesome people on the planet, and her baking skills are unrivaled, but what is she using these for?

This post brought to you by MS Paint, a lack of self control, and Hate Week.
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Re: PSA: Do NOT eat Maple's Brownies (HW)

Postby IamNotCreepy » Tue Aug 08, 2017 12:33 pm

I kinda want some brownies now (sorry Kate).
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Re: PSA: Do NOT eat Maple's Brownies (HW)

Postby Kate » Wed Aug 09, 2017 3:25 am

Day 2 of my investigation has turned up some promising results. I followed SilverMaple to her so-called job this morning. We all know that Maple is incredibly smart and industrious, so it's only logical that she spends all day Science-ing. And sure, on the surface, she is all,
ScientistMaple.png
ScientistMaple.png (12.15 KiB) Viewed 2507 times

But once her supervisor isn't looking, she drops her facade. Here is an amazing artist's rendition of Maple as she really is:
MapleWitch.png
MapleWitch.png (24.38 KiB) Viewed 2507 times

Do you see that? There is a cauldron. A CAULDRON! And what's this?
MapleNathan.png
MapleNathan.png (16.86 KiB) Viewed 2507 times

Oh god, did she just throw Nathan in there? WHY???

I'm not entirely sure what's going on, but something isn't right here.

No dragons were harmed in the making of this Hate Week post. Unless they were, MAPLE.
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Re: PSA: Do NOT eat Maple's Brownies (HW)

Postby Kate » Thu Aug 10, 2017 3:13 am

Day 3, and I've stumbled upon another clue. You all know that SilverMaple appears to be a compassionate and loving bird owner. You might think that owning birds is a great outlet for her nurturing and kind nature, right?

Wrong.

Do you know that witches often have companions called familiars to help them with their spells? "Familiar spirits usually had names and "were often given down-to-earth, and frequently affectionate, nicknames." What is more familiar and affectionate than "Penny" I ask you?

Does Penny look like an ordinary parrot to you?

Oh no.

Penny is Maple's familiar.
MaplePenny1.png
MaplePenny1.png (14.5 KiB) Viewed 2461 times


What is she using this familiar for? What spell could possibly need any more power?

A spell to cure cancer? A spell to end poverty? You'd think so, wouldn't you? BUT she is sinister, and those aren't sinister things.

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Re: PSA: Do NOT eat Maple's Brownies (HW)

Postby Paradox » Thu Aug 10, 2017 3:34 am

Dear Kate, you absolutely suck at hating.
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Re: PSA: Do NOT eat Maple's Brownies (HW)

Postby Kate » Thu Aug 10, 2017 3:49 am

Toy wrote:Dear Kate, you absolutely suck at hating.
Ha ha, yeah, I'm the worst at hating!
Be cool, I'm playing the long game, jeez.
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Re: PSA: Do NOT eat Maple's Brownies (HW)

Postby Kate » Fri Aug 11, 2017 3:19 am

Day 4: As some of you may remember, Maple acquired another feathered friend in June of 2016. Is it purely a coincidence that this was right around the time that Donald Trump started slipping in the polls? That it was the 1 year anniversary of Donald Trump announcing his bid for presidency?

Normally, I'd say, "Of course!" But then...
Image

One familiar helps a witch a great deal. But two familiars? My friends, Nigel the parrot, working in conjunction with Penny, is basically the MOAB in SilverMaple's skilled palms.
MapleBirds.png
MapleBirds.png (14.86 KiB) Viewed 2399 times


But today, I noticed something. I happened to get a better look at that cauldron. Do you see the writing at the bottom of the cauldron? Can't quite make it out, right? It's almost like whoever took this magnificent photo was actually using MS Paint and just scribbled along the bottom of it as if there was writing there that was too small to see.

But, using super advanced image enhancement technology that they use on CSI, NCIS, and every other procedural show that relies on the trope of zooming in really closely on some kind of clue that the bad guy has foolishly forgotten to hide while committing the crime, I was able to see exactly what this terrible scribble said. Brace yourselves, folks:
MapleBirds2.png
MapleBirds2.png (10.38 KiB) Viewed 2399 times

The brew thickens. Monsanto? Oh shoot, I gotta hide. More tomorrow, friends.

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Re: PSA: Do NOT eat Maple's Brownies (HW)

Postby cmsellers » Fri Aug 11, 2017 3:37 am

Kate wrote:
Suggestion that Maple double-dino-hexed Donald Trump
Day 4: As some of you may remember, Maple acquired another feathered friend in June of 2016. Is it purely a coincidence that this was right around the time that Donald Trump started slipping in the polls? That it was the 1 year anniversary of Donald Trump announcing his bid for presidency?

Normally, I'd say, "Of course!" But then...
Spoiler: show
Image


One familiar helps a witch a great deal. But two familiars? My friends, Nigel the parrot, working in conjunction with Penny, is basically the MOAB in SilverMaple's skilled palms.
MapleBirds.png


But today, I noticed something. I happened to get a better look at that cauldron. Do you see the writing at the bottom of the cauldron? Can't quite make it out, right? It's almost like whoever took this magnificent photo was actually using MS Paint and just scribbled along the bottom of it as if there was writing there that was too small to see.

But, using super advanced image enhancement technology that they use on CSI, NCIS, and every other procedural show that relies on the trope of zooming in really closely on some kind of clue that the bad guy has foolishly forgotten to hide while committing the crime, I was able to see exactly what this terrible scribble said. Brace yourselves, folks:
MapleBirds2.png

The brew thickens. Monsanto? Oh shoot, I gotta hide. More tomorrow, friends.

This post brought to you by Hate Week and the CSI effect.

And yet Donald Trump rebounded and won the election. You know why? Because she only had two parrots. I told Bert to get her a caique last fall, I told him. And yet for some reason he didn't. The choice was caique or death, and Bert, the fool that he was, chose death!
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Re: PSA: Do NOT eat Maple's Brownies (HW)

Postby Kate » Fri Aug 11, 2017 3:50 am

Oh sellers. You sweet summer child.

It's...a little worse than that, I'm afraid. I have reason to believe that Trump rebounded not because Maple was working against him...but because
>.>
<.<

Nigel was funded by Trump in the first place, through his ties with Monsanto. It took a SilverMaple to pull off a win in 2016.

I may be wrong. But look at this spare cauldron that was just sitting around in the closet I was hiding in:
MapleCauldron.PNG
MapleCauldron.PNG (1.58 KiB) Viewed 2389 times

Not only is it plated gold on the inside, the black enamel is chipping away on the outside and it's gold underneath. I know, I was kind of shocked. You'd think a nice cast iron cauldron would be the best way to brew, but this is Trump's Canada.

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Re: PSA: Do NOT eat Maple's Brownies (HW)

Postby iMURDAu » Fri Aug 11, 2017 3:23 pm

cmsellers wrote:
Kate wrote:
Suggestion that Maple double-dino-hexed Donald Trump
Day 4: As some of you may remember, Maple acquired another feathered friend in June of 2016. Is it purely a coincidence that this was right around the time that Donald Trump started slipping in the polls? That it was the 1 year anniversary of Donald Trump announcing his bid for presidency?

Normally, I'd say, "Of course!" But then...
Spoiler: show
Image


One familiar helps a witch a great deal. But two familiars? My friends, Nigel the parrot, working in conjunction with Penny, is basically the MOAB in SilverMaple's skilled palms.
MapleBirds.png


But today, I noticed something. I happened to get a better look at that cauldron. Do you see the writing at the bottom of the cauldron? Can't quite make it out, right? It's almost like whoever took this magnificent photo was actually using MS Paint and just scribbled along the bottom of it as if there was writing there that was too small to see.

But, using super advanced image enhancement technology that they use on CSI, NCIS, and every other procedural show that relies on the trope of zooming in really closely on some kind of clue that the bad guy has foolishly forgotten to hide while committing the crime, I was able to see exactly what this terrible scribble said. Brace yourselves, folks:
MapleBirds2.png

The brew thickens. Monsanto? Oh shoot, I gotta hide. More tomorrow, friends.

This post brought to you by Hate Week and the CSI effect.

And yet Donald Trump rebounded and won the election. You know why? Because she only had two parrots. I told Bert to get her a caique last fall, I told him. And yet for some reason he didn't. The choice was caique or death, and Bert, the fool that he was, chose death!


Why would Bert listen to your advice? You think Trump won the election based on the number of parrots a Canadian lady owns. Obviously you're unqualified to... anything.

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Re: PSA: Do NOT eat Maple's Brownies (HW)

Postby cmsellers » Fri Aug 11, 2017 5:15 pm

iMURDAu wrote:Why would Bert listen to your advice? You think Trump won the election based on the number of parrots a Canadian lady owns.

The alternatives explanations, quite frankly, are too horrifying to contemplate.

iMURDAu wrote:Obviously you're unqualified to... anything.

This, however, is almost true. I can, however, make delicious baked goods that won't make you fat (unlike Maple, apparently). I base this on the fact that I'm the only fat person I've ever seen eating the stuff I bake.
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Re: PSA: Do NOT eat Maple's Brownies (HW)

Postby Kate » Mon Aug 14, 2017 6:08 am

Day 7: The craziest thing happened. I was on my way to make my report, when I was found out. It's almost like SilverMaple can read this and knew to check the supply closet. This isn't at all an excuse for taking two days to travel to Wyoming to visit my parents.

But, I escaped to report back to...well,whoever is left.

I finally found out what she's doing with her crazy witch's brew.

First, she's turning TCSers into parrots.

Observe:
Image
Image
Image
Image
Do you see how now they're all parrots?

Sad.

Next, at the bidding of Donald Trump himself (probably) she's doing something entirely horrifying, courtesy of Monsanto and their evil GMOs.

We know that everyone who didn't vote for Donald Trump is part of the gay agenda. After turning us into parrots, she's slipping a secret potion into the parrot water.

Do you know what she's doing?

That's right:
Image
She's turning the freakin' parrots straight!

Well okay. You've got me. I don't have an artist's rendition of straight parrots that were formerly members of the gay agenda. How do I even show you parrots being straight without resorting to tired stereotypes and graphic depictions of inter-TCS parrot sex? You're a pervert just for asking.

But trust me, this is not fake news, SilverMaple is turning the freaking parrots straight to counteract the gay agenda.

Step 1: Turn the TCSer parrots straight.
Step 2: ???
Step 3: 8 More Years!

SHE MUST BE STOPPED! SilverMaple is one of the smartest, kindest, best people in the world, if she sets her mind to this, it's going to happen. We must stop her! We must OH GOD MORE BROWNIES brb.

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