5 Evil Plants We Should Probably Get Rid Of

Our thoughts about the famous Cracked.com.

5 Evil Plants We Should Probably Get Rid Of

Postby Tesseracts » Sat Nov 28, 2015 8:20 pm

I didn't hate-click on this article. I was genuinely curious about evil plants. Yet in spite of the plethora of evil plants I found something to dislike.

Technically more of a shrub than a tree, the Gympie-Gympie's foliage is covered in tiny hairs which, upon contact with human skin, deliver a sting that can remain blindingly painful for up to several months -- or, if you're unlucky, over a year. One scientist (who was wearing welding gloves when she got stung) compared the sensation to "being burnt with hot acid and electrocuted at the same time." So not only is this the most painful tree known to man, it's also the kinkiest.


Maybe it's just me but I really don't think Cracked would be turning a scientist being injured badly enough to be hospitalized into some sort of sex thing if the scientist wasn't also a woman. Yeah, I know it's a joke, but it's a joke they probably wouldn't make if a man was physically tortured by a plant. I just can't imagine that if Neil Degrasse Tyson complained about being hurt by a plant Cracked's response would be "this plant is kinky." They didn't even name the scientist. Her name is Dr Marina Hurley.



Shit like this wouldn't bother me as much if Cracked wasn't constantly moralizing about feminism. Because some video games have boobs in them.

To nobody's surprise, this plant, which kills dogs and horses, resides in Australia. #YesAllAustralias
  • 12

User avatar
Tesseracts
Big Brother
Big Brother
 
Posts: 9649
Joined: Sat Apr 13, 2013 5:31 am
Show rep
Title: Social Media Expert

Re: 5 Evil Plants We Should Probably Get Rid Of

Postby Revolving Royal » Sat Nov 28, 2015 8:59 pm

I do find the joke pretty tasteless, especially from the new, preachy Cracked. I read about this tree before in the book Wicked Plants, excellent book about more botanical atrocities, and some humans were hosptalized for weeks after being stung, and at least one thought about commiting suicide. This tree is as close to a sadist that the plant world gets.

After getting to #1, I was disapointed to say the least. Of all the terrifying plants out there, and there are a lot more than you think, the Horsetail gets the top spot for having spores that contract? Seeds that move are still just seeds, and not even poisonous!
  • 8

"We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out" -Ray Bradbury

I am not “full of hate” as if I were some passive container. I am a generator of hate, and my rage is a renewable resource, like sunshine. ~Internet Wiseman
User avatar
Revolving Royal
TCS Camper
TCS Camper
 
Posts: 972
Joined: Sat Jun 27, 2015 10:44 am
Location: Human World
Show rep
Title: Lurker

Re: 5 Evil Plants We Should Probably Get Rid Of

Postby archaeologydalek » Sun Nov 29, 2015 2:07 am

REDACTED
  • 14

Last edited by archaeologydalek on Wed Apr 13, 2016 11:15 am, edited 1 time in total.
archaeologydalek
Frequent Poster
Frequent Poster
 
Posts: 220
Joined: Mon Nov 25, 2013 1:36 pm
Show rep

Re: 5 Evil Plants We Should Probably Get Rid Of

Postby Tesseracts » Sun Nov 29, 2015 2:20 am

Yeah, it's possible I'm reading too much into this. Shortly after this they did joke about a man who allegedly killed himself as a result of the plant.
  • 7

User avatar
Tesseracts
Big Brother
Big Brother
 
Posts: 9649
Joined: Sat Apr 13, 2013 5:31 am
Show rep
Title: Social Media Expert

Re: 5 Evil Plants We Should Probably Get Rid Of

Postby Windy » Sun Nov 29, 2015 2:34 am

Well the author isn't that white guy pretending to be Asian so he's not necessarily a hypocrite.
  • 0

User avatar
Windy
TCS Junkie
TCS Junkie
 
Posts: 3110
Joined: Fri May 29, 2015 11:41 am
Show rep

Re: 5 Evil Plants We Should Probably Get Rid Of

Postby NathanLoiselle » Sun Nov 29, 2015 3:09 am

*wonders if Dr. Marina Hurley is the kinkiest dendrophiliac out there or if this is all just a dream*

...and what happened to Triffids? Why aren't Triffids included in the list?
  • 5

User avatar
NathanLoiselle
TCS Junkie
TCS Junkie
 
Posts: 4284
Joined: Wed Jul 09, 2014 3:49 am
Location: You'll Never Know!
Show rep

Re: 5 Evil Plants We Should Probably Get Rid Of

Postby Australia » Sun Nov 29, 2015 4:23 am

Tesseracts wrote:To nobody's surprise, this plant, which kills dogs and horses, resides in Australia. #YesAllAustralias

Image
#YesI'mHelpingMySituationWhyDoYouAsk
  • 11

YamI JamesT Eyebrows Edgar Logan Eric Michael Tess Sunny Notch Kate Jamish Lao Carp Moo FaceCitizen Aquila Nisi Qinglong Chaise Nullbert NotCIAagent JackRoad Delta MURDA Bert Czar Ambi JulyJack Adric Marcuse SilverMaple Nudge 52xMax Damiana Doma Pumpkin Toy Fry Andro Carrie Snarky Royal RLG Pikajew Windy skooma Kleiner Java Sellers Piter Gisarmbards Grimstone Recluse Esteban Syrup Krashlia Twistappel MacReady Funkotron mcfooty Pseudoman Creepy Kivutar nerd Ladki Jim Youghurt satan GL Angler
Scari
User avatar
Australia
Resident Dickhead
Resident Dickhead
 
Posts: 4219
Joined: Sun Apr 21, 2013 6:15 pm
Location: Take a wild guess
Show rep
Title: Kentucky Fried Colonel

Re: 5 Evil Plants We Should Probably Get Rid Of

Postby Revolving Royal » Sun Nov 29, 2015 5:05 am

archaeologydalek wrote:The entries aren't ranked in order of severity, so don't think that we regard that as the 'worst' plant. The editors have a particular way of structuring the articles.


I understand that they aren't ranked, what I'm saying is that jumping seeds, although neat, really can't compare to the Evil Tree and the other plants in severity; it would need to some prison tats or manufacturer it's own crystal meth to measure up to me, but to each their own.
  • 7

"We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out" -Ray Bradbury

I am not “full of hate” as if I were some passive container. I am a generator of hate, and my rage is a renewable resource, like sunshine. ~Internet Wiseman
User avatar
Revolving Royal
TCS Camper
TCS Camper
 
Posts: 972
Joined: Sat Jun 27, 2015 10:44 am
Location: Human World
Show rep
Title: Lurker

Re: 5 Evil Plants We Should Probably Get Rid Of

Postby cmsellers » Sun Nov 29, 2015 5:28 am

I dislike this article for other reasons.

The first three plants are rather horrifying plants that I'd rather not deal with, and become increasingly difficult to avoid as the article progresses.

So naturally I wonder: what unavoidable horrors lurk on page 2?

Undoubtedly here are plants that grow like kudzu, are immune to fire, frost, and hungry rodents, and send their poisoned thorns into their unsuspecting victims from thirty paces. Right?

Right?

...

...

#2 is a relative of the pineapple whose leaves small animals and sheep get entangled in and die. It's also a fairly popular ornamental, because of its otherworldly flowers. It's pretty much harmless to humans who don't have the intelligence of a sheep.
It is an alien plant though
Image


#1 is a primitive plant with neat seeds that the author thinks rather resemble spiders. It's soft like moss, and just as dangerous.

Seriously, it would have been a better finisher if they'd ended with poison ivy. At least that grows fast and I give them a wide berth for good reason. Also, it's pretty good at disguising itself as "not poison ivy," and grows pretty much everywhere. It's the reason I never walk off beaten trails in the woods without long pants.
  • 10

User avatar
cmsellers
TCS Junkie
TCS Junkie
 
Posts: 8853
Joined: Sun Apr 14, 2013 7:20 pm
Location: Three miles from the bat bridge
Show rep
Title: The Bad Bart of Ruddigore

Re: 5 Evil Plants We Should Probably Get Rid Of

Postby Tesseracts » Sun Nov 29, 2015 5:45 am

I don't know, I think walking plant seeds are pretty fucking creepy.
  • 4

User avatar
Tesseracts
Big Brother
Big Brother
 
Posts: 9649
Joined: Sat Apr 13, 2013 5:31 am
Show rep
Title: Social Media Expert

Re: 5 Evil Plants We Should Probably Get Rid Of

Postby Deathclaw_Puncher » Sun Nov 29, 2015 5:48 am

Fuck it! I say make them all extinct! No plant hazardous to us shall be allowed to exist.
  • 4

Image
User avatar
Deathclaw_Puncher
Knight Writer
Knight Writer
 
Posts: 12440
Joined: Sun Apr 14, 2013 9:42 pm
Location: Fair Oaks, CA
Show rep
Title: Queen of the Furrets

Re: 5 Evil Plants We Should Probably Get Rid Of

Postby BROWNRECLUSE » Sun Nov 29, 2015 3:16 pm

I couldn't think of a witty comment for that article. You'd think it would've been a slam dunk considering #1 was about spider-plants.

Oh well, it would have been outvoted by thatindianguyII anyway.
  • 3

Tesseracts wrote:In this age of falsehoods and lies, it's comforting to know some people are genuinely idiots.
User avatar
BROWNRECLUSE
Jedi Knight
Jedi Knight
 
Posts: 4142
Joined: Sat Mar 07, 2015 8:55 pm
Location: Inside your ear canal
Show rep

Re: 5 Evil Plants We Should Probably Get Rid Of

Postby rowdyrodimus » Sun Nov 29, 2015 8:58 pm

While not perfect, this type of article is what originally hooked me on Cracked. I'd much rather read something like this instead of another article by Cheese or Wong telling me how I should live my life. I wish they would return to more of these type (even with the maybe sexist jokes) and less of the "7 Ways I Learned Why Being a White Male Automatically Makes Me a Racist, Rapist and Homophobic (And Why You Are, Too.) type things they've been doing the last couple of years.
  • 7

User avatar
rowdyrodimus
Frequent Poster
Frequent Poster
 
Posts: 187
Joined: Wed May 27, 2015 6:50 pm
Show rep
Title: Lord Of Nothing

Re: 5 Evil Plants We Should Probably Get Rid Of

Postby Twistappel » Sun Nov 29, 2015 10:42 pm

Marina Hurley doesn't deserve our sympathy because she had an allergic reaction to a Gympie Gympie plant. She deserves our sympathy because she did her post-grad at JCU.* :|

* Sorry, it's like this ingrained reaction.
  • 6

You say "New World Order" "communist echo chamber" like it's a bad thing.

The TCSer formerly known as "Sister Morphine’
User avatar
Twistappel
TCS Junkie
TCS Junkie
 
Posts: 2640
Joined: Thu Dec 05, 2013 11:07 pm
Location: The People's Republic of Colorado
Show rep
Title: Failed the Turing Test

Re: 5 Evil Plants We Should Probably Get Rid Of

Postby NathanLoiselle » Sun Nov 29, 2015 11:40 pm

Where's JCU? Is it Jehovah's Community University?
  • 1

User avatar
NathanLoiselle
TCS Junkie
TCS Junkie
 
Posts: 4284
Joined: Wed Jul 09, 2014 3:49 am
Location: You'll Never Know!
Show rep

Next

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest