by Jack Road » Tue May 26, 2015 2:55 pm
[Enter Post Credit Scene]
Tony Stark enters a dimly lit bar and walks up to DAVID BELL, sitting glumly at the bar, drinking a scotch straight. Several empty glasses sit in front of him, and the bartender is eyeing him as if deciding whether or not to cut him off.
Tony: So, Infinity War 2 just came out.
DB does not comment, and sips his drink.
Tony: So just curious, what you tho....
DB slams his drink down angrily and swivels to face Tony while speaking.
DB: It was fucking amazing okay! It was God Damn magical. Everything works, it made more money than anything ever. You happy now?
DB goes back to drinking, Tony eyes him calmly, and motions suavely at the bartender to give him a drink. The bartender actually notices the small hand gesture, nods and of course makes exactly what Tony wants, because movie bars are about as far from real bars as Westboro Baptist Church is from embracing Gay Rights. Tony sits down and swivels to face DB.
Tony: So...you want to talk about it? Or-
Tony is cut off by DB putting his hand up wearily. A moment passes, DB takes another sip, then puts his hand down and speaks.
DB: I just don't understand how you people can continue to be successful for so long. It doesn't make any sense. Every single other franchise has petered out at some point and produced flops. Fucking nipples on Batman. Star Trek trying to be Star Wars with knockoff Han Bakula. Jar Jar Binks. Wizards riding rabbit drawn sleds in the forest? Hell even your own franchises have failed. Spiderman dancing on tables in 80's emo clothing?
Tony: We have had flops as well, but we picked up and moved on. Why do you want us to fail so badly?
Suddenly hordes of soldiers burst in from every direction, all pointing their guns at Tony, who sits looking at them bemusedly, still holding his drink. DB smiles a manic smile and pulls his other hand from beneath the bar, where he has been holding a small transmitter device. He begins to laugh, classic villain style. Camera pans to a soldier's insignia reading a large yellow "C' then back to Tony's face.
DB: Don't you get it?
Jarvis: Sir, "Cracked" anagrams to...
Tony: Hydra
DB: The fuck? What? No it doesn't... Hey! We are our own evil group!
The Iron Man Suit erupts out of some fucking magical hammer-space, and everyone waits politely while it puts itself on Tony.
Tony: This is the Mark CLIV (he says this to no one in particular)
DB: Godamnit you are one person! There is no way you have come up with a hundred and fifty four totally new suits.
Tony proceeds to do some insanely awesome thing with some random weird fucking amazing weapon that takes out the entire horde of soldiers.
Tony: Watch me
Iron Man face mask comes down and is sooooo cooolll. Tony grabs DB and shoots a hole in the ceiling, then takes off with DB through the ceiling, somehow not hurting anyone in the process.
Stan Lee arrives with a mop and bucket, despite being ninety fucking six now. He looks up at the hole and mutters "damn super heroes" then goes back to mopping the floor.
Fade to black. Title Comes Up.
Marvel: Fuck You Cracked, We Are Awesome Sauce
Fade to Black
Last edited by
Jack Road on Tue May 26, 2015 3:01 pm, edited 2 times in total.