5 Reasons It's Impossible To Recreate Marvel's Movie Success

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5 Reasons It's Impossible To Recreate Marvel's Movie Success

Postby thatindianguy » Tue May 26, 2015 2:19 pm

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-reasons-i ... e-success/

Just to drive home how repetitive Cracked has become on this topic, when I first saw this one, I thought it was the video from yesterday with a new title and didn't realise my mistake until 35 minutes later.
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Re: 5 Reasons It's Impossible To Recreate Marvel's Movie Suc

Postby Jack Road » Tue May 26, 2015 2:55 pm

[Enter Post Credit Scene]

Tony Stark enters a dimly lit bar and walks up to DAVID BELL, sitting glumly at the bar, drinking a scotch straight. Several empty glasses sit in front of him, and the bartender is eyeing him as if deciding whether or not to cut him off.

Tony: So, Infinity War 2 just came out.

DB does not comment, and sips his drink.

Tony: So just curious, what you tho....

DB slams his drink down angrily and swivels to face Tony while speaking.

DB: It was fucking amazing okay! It was God Damn magical. Everything works, it made more money than anything ever. You happy now?

DB goes back to drinking, Tony eyes him calmly, and motions suavely at the bartender to give him a drink. The bartender actually notices the small hand gesture, nods and of course makes exactly what Tony wants, because movie bars are about as far from real bars as Westboro Baptist Church is from embracing Gay Rights. Tony sits down and swivels to face DB.

Tony: So...you want to talk about it? Or-

Tony is cut off by DB putting his hand up wearily. A moment passes, DB takes another sip, then puts his hand down and speaks.

DB: I just don't understand how you people can continue to be successful for so long. It doesn't make any sense. Every single other franchise has petered out at some point and produced flops. Fucking nipples on Batman. Star Trek trying to be Star Wars with knockoff Han Bakula. Jar Jar Binks. Wizards riding rabbit drawn sleds in the forest? Hell even your own franchises have failed. Spiderman dancing on tables in 80's emo clothing?

Tony: We have had flops as well, but we picked up and moved on. Why do you want us to fail so badly?

Suddenly hordes of soldiers burst in from every direction, all pointing their guns at Tony, who sits looking at them bemusedly, still holding his drink. DB smiles a manic smile and pulls his other hand from beneath the bar, where he has been holding a small transmitter device. He begins to laugh, classic villain style. Camera pans to a soldier's insignia reading a large yellow "C' then back to Tony's face.

DB: Don't you get it?

Jarvis: Sir, "Cracked" anagrams to...

Tony: Hydra

DB: The fuck? What? No it doesn't... Hey! We are our own evil group!

The Iron Man Suit erupts out of some fucking magical hammer-space, and everyone waits politely while it puts itself on Tony.

Tony: This is the Mark CLIV (he says this to no one in particular)

DB: Godamnit you are one person! There is no way you have come up with a hundred and fifty four totally new suits.

Tony proceeds to do some insanely awesome thing with some random weird fucking amazing weapon that takes out the entire horde of soldiers.

Tony: Watch me

Iron Man face mask comes down and is sooooo cooolll. Tony grabs DB and shoots a hole in the ceiling, then takes off with DB through the ceiling, somehow not hurting anyone in the process.

Stan Lee arrives with a mop and bucket, despite being ninety fucking six now. He looks up at the hole and mutters "damn super heroes" then goes back to mopping the floor.

Fade to black. Title Comes Up.


Marvel: Fuck You Cracked, We Are Awesome Sauce

Fade to Black
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Re: 5 Reasons It's Impossible To Recreate Marvel's Movie Suc

Postby Deathclaw_Puncher » Tue May 26, 2015 2:59 pm

A lot of this is just grasping at straws. "The MCU sucks because it's a franchise"! "The MCU sucks because TV shows exist"!
And my biggest gripe is with #1. There isn't going to be any conflict of the sort, because the films are part of a phase. They're all part of a paper chain leading to the next big event, there's no room for being "artiste", and that's a good thing, because these are all adaptations. It's like DCB is under the impression that one needs to be "artiste" to be a good director. Tarsem, Shyamalan, and Ed Wood went the "artiste" route and they suck.
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Re: 5 Reasons It's Impossible To Recreate Marvel's Movie Suc

Postby thatindianguy » Tue May 26, 2015 3:14 pm

Oddly enough, films that are trying to be more 'artistic' are also preemptively declared failures.

D.C's shooting for films which are all less franchisey, Justice league and Batman movies are Snyder's domain, they have the director of 'Monster' on Wonder Woman, David Ayer is bringing his style to Suicide Squad, and they got the guys from Lego Movie for Flash, but these are going to fail because they don't have a single overseer pushing them all into the same style.

It's amazing how dedicated they are to hating marvel really. This article is about how no one else will be able to pull it off (why? Because we said so.) and even then it's full of pot shots at marvel.
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Re: 5 Reasons It's Impossible To Recreate Marvel's Movie Suc

Postby archaeologydalek » Tue May 26, 2015 3:36 pm

REDACTED
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Re: 5 Reasons It's Impossible To Recreate Marvel's Movie Suc

Postby Deathclaw_Puncher » Tue May 26, 2015 3:43 pm

Hey, to be fair, it is a common trend among Cracked columnists to write about how the MCU sucks for reasons.
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Re: 5 Reasons It's Impossible To Recreate Marvel's Movie Suc

Postby thatindianguy » Tue May 26, 2015 3:43 pm

archaeologydalek wrote:"Hey, there's an article that acknowledges Marvel's success and explains why, due to a number of unique factors, no-one will ever be able to replicate it. I'm sure TCS will have an interesting take on this"

It's amazing how dedicated they are to hating marvel really. This article is about how no one else will be able to pull it off (why? Because we said so.) and even then it's full of pot shots at marvel.


Snip - Marc


What can I say man? This one, like most of these, was honestly just not that convincing.

And can you really blame us for taking a dim view of these? The one about Star Wars opened up by saying that there was nothing concrete to support the views mentioned in the article.
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Re: 5 Reasons It's Impossible To Recreate Marvel's Movie Suc

Postby Tesseracts » Tue May 26, 2015 4:10 pm

The worst part about this is, I'm actually getting tired of the gene of movies best described as "theme park movies." So I sorta want to agree? But... I don't hate Marvel. And... I don't think Marvel is doomed to failure any time soon. Nor do I think their business plan is doomed to failure any time soon.

I'm not sure why Cracked is doing this, but it just occurred to me... Maybe it's because the onslaught of this type of movie is an absolute nightmare for writers. Nobody can pitch an original idea any more, and all the big budget movies are way more about the explosions than story. If I was a writer living in Hollywood I wouldn't be thrilled about remaking a movie that's been remade every decade.
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Re: 5 Reasons It's Impossible To Recreate Marvel's Movie Suc

Postby Deathclaw_Puncher » Tue May 26, 2015 4:17 pm

Tesseracts wrote: Nobody can pitch an original idea any more, and all the big budget movies are way more about the explosions than story. If I was a writer living in Hollywood I wouldn't be thrilled about remaking a movie that's been remade every decade.

There still are original ideas in Hollywood, and they appear every fall and winter. And there can be original blockbusters and Summer Chillers. It just seems like a lot because superheros are essentially the Modern Greek Gods.
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Re: 5 Reasons It's Impossible To Recreate Marvel's Movie Suc

Postby Jack Road » Tue May 26, 2015 4:21 pm

Except that one that is a Modern Norwegian God
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Re: 5 Reasons It's Impossible To Recreate Marvel's Movie Suc

Postby Marcuse » Tue May 26, 2015 4:23 pm

Maybe it's because I don't read literally everything Cracked puts out, but I don't see the repetition here. This seems like an exploration of why Marvel has managed to succeed in holding together an increasingly weighty and bloated franchise to make several successful films out of it. The secret appears to be incredibly tight micromanagement and hiring an absolutely awesome writer/director and squeezing the soul out of him to achieve it. It's possible we are seeing the zenith of the MCU and I think the article makes a fair stab at making that claim.

The comparison to the JL is fair I think, given they're struggling so much to create this gritty and grimdark crossover series that just doesn't attract me. I'm Marcuse, I like warhammer 40k and black metal and the JL doesn't grab me. I think that says something to people here, even if it wouldn't on Cracked. It was interesting to hear why that might be technically.

Overall this does feel like a reasonable premise, because it's not saying the MCU sucks, it's saying that the MCU is incredibly hard to write for and seems to be reaching the point of bloat. That's not to say the series is bad, but says that it's getting more and more difficult to do so many things in such a limited content.
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Re: 5 Reasons It's Impossible To Recreate Marvel's Movie Suc

Postby thatindianguy » Tue May 26, 2015 4:24 pm

I'm kind of in the same boat as Tess. The reason I'm looking forward to D.C's slate and even to the new FF is that I'm growing tired of the Marvel style.

I can agree on numerous points here. I too feel that the movies are getting a little too bubble gum, i feel like their corporate franchise nature is holding them back, I really dislike some of their films even to the point of feeling that the M.C.U as a whole is a little over rated, I'm even a little daunted by the size of the franchise( although I'm excited by it in equal measure) I just don't think any of this is going to spell doom for them any time soon. They still have a huge fanbase and are more than capable of making great films still. In other words, the engines making some noises but it ain't breaking down any time soon.

I just find their tone too much on this subject.

Like if Marvel's flaws were a chocolate cake doughnut.

Me: Man I love these doughnuts.
Cracked: THESE THINGS ARE THE FOOD OF THE GODS! THEY CAN CURE AIDS!
Me: You're off your rocker.
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Re: 5 Reasons It's Impossible To Recreate Marvel's Movie Suc

Postby Edgar Cabrera » Tue May 26, 2015 5:20 pm

So I read it, and either I'm getting used to the digs towards Marvel and they're becoming background noise to me, or this article actually didn't criticize Marvel (except maybe for the part at the end about the studio's clash with writers/directors) and, like the title implies, actually does explore why it has managed to succeed in holding together an increasingly heavy franchise to make several successful films out of it. There are digs towards the other attempts at making a connected universe (especially JL) but even then, it also agrees with Star Wars' decision of just release one movie per year.

Edit: Nevermind, Marcuse put it better than me.
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Re: 5 Reasons It's Impossible To Recreate Marvel's Movie Suc

Postby Jack Road » Tue May 26, 2015 5:40 pm

It is quite possible that Cracked is the one running out of ideas and having writing issues.

They are a site wholly devoted to listicles after all. That is a pretty rigid structure.

Heh. Rigid.
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Re: 5 Reasons It's Impossible To Recreate Marvel's Movie Suc

Postby Jeckel » Tue May 26, 2015 8:02 pm

As a marvel bashing article, this is subpar at best. I had to recheck the byline to be sure it was actually written by DCB. 1/10, would not read again.
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