Zachary Frey's latest masterpiece

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Zachary Frey's latest masterpiece

Postby Gendry » Sat Apr 18, 2015 6:31 am

I just finished reading this new article by Zachary Frey, and I have to admit that it's been years since I laughed that hard at a Cracked article. He just seems to be getting better and better, and my fingers are crossed that Cracked will be able to hold on to him.
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Re: Zachary Frey's latest masterpiece

Postby Nullbert » Sat Apr 18, 2015 10:06 am

Hmm, the article title for me (as of this post) is "7 Real Humans Who Survived Shockingly Violent Deaths".
Now, I don't usually like to call out the title guy but... how does one survive a death...
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Re: Zachary Frey's latest masterpiece

Postby Tuli » Sat Apr 18, 2015 12:20 pm

Yeah, the stupidity of the title really does the article no justice. It's a good article in the spirit of classic Cracked: interesting true stories served in an entertaining manner. Anyone else think Urquhart's the most resilient badass there ever was? Because he totally is.
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Re: Zachary Frey's latest masterpiece

Postby blehblah » Sat Apr 18, 2015 9:27 pm

As I clicked on the article, the (let's find a polite word...) retardation (game, set, match!) of the title annoyed me. On the other hand, as I read through it, it made more sense.

I mean, look at the headings:

#6. Mike Day Gets Shot 27 Times Before Massacring Terrorists
#4. Paul Templer Survived Being Eaten By A Hippo
#3. Saburo Sakai Survives A Simultaneous Headshot And Fiery Explosion
#2. Linda Morgan Survives A Shipwreck While Sleeping
#1. Roy Benavidez Survives A Knife Fight With A Vietcong Battalion


If we're going to stick to being factual, how does one "massacre" four enemy soldiers (who, I guess, maybe did the terror as a side gig).

Saburo Sakai sounds like a bad-ass dude. However, "simultaneous headshot and firery explosion"? There's also mention of "a five-inch bullet". What gets me is the guy, from the article, seems to have been one hell of a man's man. He flew (I gather) Zeros from when they were dominating through to when they were completely outgunned at the end of the war, which is amazing. Yet, it's buried under sensationalism.

I somehow doubt Linda Morgan was sleeping for long. She was in her bed, sleeping, when the Stockholm hit the Andria Doria, but did she sleep throughout the incident? Not fucking likely. Again, an amazing story, sensationalized.

Finally, the heading implies Benavidez had a knife fight with an entire battalion of Vietcong (which Cracked recently ran an article on, from the perspective of a North Vietnamese soldier). Even President Reagan endorsed the sensational headline as presented... or no... but, it's sensational thing!

Soooo, the click-bait runs from the title, through the headings, and into the content.

However... and let's all take a pause. Cracked survives on clicks, pageviews, and also people reading articles - time on page, retention, bounce rates, yadda, yadda (ad revenue is a prickly beast). The headings/content, then, must keep people reading. People have short attention spans. People have short attentions spans. People have short attention spans. The attention spans of people are short. Yoda once said, "Short is the attention span of people, unless something-something now bored, I am". Then he died and became a Jedi ghost, much wisdom did he give.
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