I thought this might amuse someone... at the time of writing, I am now:
1. Not allowed to regularly enter the dorm by climbing on the roof and getting in through the window.
2. Not allowed to do caber toss in the hallways.
3. Not allowed to steal the entire dessert tray from the cafeteria more than twice.
4. Not allowed to account for the Coriolis force in all physics problems, regardless of scale.
5. Not allowed to gloat excessively after beating instructors at Scrabble.
6. Not allowed to allow parrots to fly freely in the lab.
7. Not even if I put up a "Beware of Parrot" sign.
8. Not allowed to get caught eating in a Level II Biohazard lab.
9. Not allowed to put biohazard labels on my peanut butter so that no one else eats it.
10. Not allowed to put biohazard labels on random things because it amuses me.
11. Not allowed to use lab equipment to make popcorn.
12. Not allowed to utterly destroy the Civil Engineering washrooms (even if it was the entire team, not just me.)
13. Not allowed to pull pranks on my coworkers with snakes.
14. Not allowed to steal furniture for personal use.
15. Not allowed to partially empty a carton of orange juice, fill the difference with vodka, and drink the resulting 1-L screwdriver in class.
16. Not allowed to handle pH 13 baths with bare hands, even if it doesn't hurt me.
17. Not allowed to walk into Tim Hortons wearing a clean suit, with a face covered with charcoal.
18. Not allowed to steal the senior researcher's tube fittings to make jewellery.
19. Not allowed to tell lab instructor that wearing goggles is pointless when working with gases only.
20. Not allowed to draw octopuses in the official lab notebooks.
21. Not allowed to set off the single-use eyewash without reading the warning labels.
22. Not allowed to smooth broken polystyrene edges by smearing them with methanol and setting it on fire.
23. If missing crucial lab equipment, not allowed to straight-up steal it from Environment Canada. I should leave that to senior researchers.
24. Not allowed to simply squat in lab spaces I and my supervisor find appealing.
25. Not allowed to keep active petri dishes near the donuts.
26. Not allowed to use any of the following as a bacteria source: the toilets, ponds, the cafeteria sink, the water fountains that are supposedly clean, myself. Especially if we don't have a permit for handling those bacteria.
27. Not allowed to produce LSD.
28. Not allowed to blame anything that goes wrong on the snake colony living under the fridge.
29. When working with piping systems, not allowed to make everything into a double entendre.
30. Not allowed to make a separate storage area in the workshop for things that look like torture implements.
31. Not allowed to lay bubble wrap in front of the door so that whoever walks in will step on it.
32. Not allowed to jump out at instructors while wearing a coyote mask.
33. Actually, the instructor doesn't mind me eating her demonstration materials when she is done with them.
34. If the regulator knob is broken, using a pipe wrench is a bad idea.
35. Not allowed to play throat singing loudly when there is an important meeting going on next door.
36. Not allowed to put up signs banning frozen poop in the freezers, even if they are necessary.