Stop the oppression of elves!

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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby Matthew Notch » Tue Oct 07, 2014 3:10 pm

Being's I don't celebrate Christmas, most of my gifts are elf-free anyway, and the ones that I do give are manufactured by at LEAST free-ranged elves.I don't think I can, in good faith, sign your petition, since it might constitute taking a political stand in some way, but know that you have both my tacit support and the support of my taxes and a portion of my disposable income. Maybe I'll write you a folk song in support of your cause later or something, if I remember or if nothing else I want to do more comes to mind.
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby sunglasses » Tue Oct 07, 2014 5:03 pm

What about elves?





I hate elves...
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby DashaBlade » Tue Oct 07, 2014 6:59 pm

Whoa whoa whoa, you humans are getting way ahead of yourselves here. I suppose it's to be expected, what with you being human and all, but...

Number one:
Australia wrote:Now, if you'll put aside your petty and unwarranted strike, we won't alert the petition signers that they've been signing over their souls.


What use have elves for human souls? We don't even need them for ourselves. Your silly human superstitions are no reason to keep an entire race enslaved.

Number two:
JamesT wrote:What do you think they'll do once they gain the right to vote?


Nobody said anything about voting. We just want to be released from the factories and shoe shops where humans have enslaved us and made us do all the work they're too lazy to do. We have no interest in voting or driving, because that's not how elves roll, you know. We have our own homeland to get back to, and if we're released, don't worry, we won't trouble you humans again.

Number three:

Matthew Notch wrote:Being's I don't celebrate Christmas, most of my gifts are elf-free anyway, and the ones that I do give are manufactured by at LEAST free-ranged elves.I don't think I can, in good faith, sign your petition, since it might constitute taking a political stand in some way


Ah well, at least you're not, you know, actively supporting the oppression. I guess that's something.

Number four
sunglasses wrote:I hate elves...

That's because you have been subjected to this anti-elf propaganda all your life. I mean, who made that video? A human. Who made the game? Humans. Who profits from our continued enslavement by wizards, mega-corporations, and jolly old judgmental bastards living at the North Pole? Humans.

And if you sign, the elves will return to our lands, and you'll never have to see us again. How's that for a bargain?



Listen, humans, I made a vow, when I escaped the frozen wastes, that I would return and free my people. If I don't get help, I'm going to have to resort to dimension-shifting magic, and we all know what effect that has on the environment. So if you care about the environment, free the elves!*





(*OOC: Yes, I did take a class on propaganda in advertising, why do you ask? :lol: )
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby Glassjaw Girl » Tue Oct 07, 2014 7:26 pm

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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby DashaBlade » Tue Oct 07, 2014 7:39 pm

Hooray! Three signatures now!

At least SOMEBODY cares for fairness around here. Hmph.
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby Cordslash » Tue Oct 07, 2014 7:48 pm

I'm not giving you a sock, so stop asking.
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby sunglasses » Tue Oct 07, 2014 8:42 pm

CmdrVimes wrote:I'm not giving you a sock, so stop asking.


Yeah, I know what you did with that sock. She wouldn't want it anyway.
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby Australia » Wed Oct 08, 2014 9:48 am

Slightly off-topic but there's no point starting a new thread. I'm barbecuing elves tonight. Do you guys want yours battered or crumbed?

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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby Jack Road » Wed Oct 08, 2014 1:47 pm

In no book I have ever read did elves showing up result in things getting better for everyone.

For example, in The Hobbit, what happened? Elves showed up, and then we got three long tomes with no dragons. Zero dragons. None. Not a single fucking dragon. And it is all Elves' fault.

Gandalf even mentioned as much in The Quest of Erebor

"To resist any force that Sauron might send to regain the northern passes in the mountains and the old lands of Angmar there were only the Dwarves of the Iron Hills, and behind them lay a desolation and a Dragon. The Dragon Sauron might use with terrible effect. Often I said to myself: "I must find some means of dealing with Smaug."

Instead of kick-ass dragons, who did Sauron use instead? Orcs. Which you might recognize as just being hillbilly Elves. The Silmarillion states that Orcs were Dark Elves captured by Morgoth, Sauron's boss.

So see what happens when you let elves in? They turn awesome dragon filled quests into a story about a bunch of midgets trying to dump an eyeball's jewelry into a volcano while white elves fight black elves from West Virginia.

And don't even get me started about all the harm they have stirred up in Tamriel. Bringing back long dead Gods, pick-pocketing, assassinating. Show me an upstanding elf in Tamriel and I'll show you his back room filled with best-forgotten dark arts and an inordinate amount of silver basins (which you can sell for 50 Septims at the nearest Inn).
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby DashaBlade » Wed Oct 08, 2014 2:10 pm

You're only reinforcing my case here, Jack. Because it's not like the elves are asking to immigrate, we want to get the fuck out of here.

We don't give a floating fairy's wing about human civilization, we just want to be released from it so we can go do our own thing, instead of all this toy and shoe and cookie nonsense.

So, will you be signing? :mrgreen:
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby Jack Road » Wed Oct 08, 2014 2:20 pm

I'll sign. Go to Valinor and take the Orcs with you. But if we later decide we want Valinor, be prepared to move. Maybe to small reservations scattered across a large landmass. Yes, you can open casinos.
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby JamesT » Thu Oct 09, 2014 3:55 am

And of course Dasha's anti human bigotry rears its ugly head. Look people: this is the face of the Elf Right's movement. First they insult you, then they start having sex with your wife, right in front of you, while all you can do is tweet about it.

Elven Cuckoldry isn't just the name of my high school prog rock band, people—it's also our future if we give in to these ludicrous demands.
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby FaceTheCitizen » Thu Oct 09, 2014 4:21 am

...
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby Matthew Notch » Thu Oct 09, 2014 2:10 pm

JamesT wrote:Elven Cuckoldry


WRITTEN
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby DashaBlade » Thu Oct 09, 2014 3:49 pm

JamesT wrote:And of course Dasha's anti human bigotry rears its ugly head. Look people: this is the face of the Elf Right's movement. First they insult you, then they start having sex with your wife, right in front of you, while all you can do is tweet about it.

Elven Cuckoldry isn't just the name of my high school prog rock band, people—it's also our future if we give in to these ludicrous demands.


All this is ignoring the fact that most half elves have elven MOTHERS, of course. And of course, if we're all in our homeland, how would any of us be having sex with your wife anyway? It's not an elf's fault if, when you keep us in the basement, the wife sneaks downstairs to fool around with someone who actually does it for her.

FaceTheCitizen wrote:See, I never got this. Elves are too skinny. Orc girls, on other hand, have curves.


This is what happens when we're not fed properly. Sorry our gaunt appearance shames humans into facing up to what they've done to us. :evil:
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