Stop the oppression of elves!

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Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby DashaBlade » Tue Oct 07, 2014 4:42 am

For too long, we elves have had to labor under unfair conditions. We make your cookies, help a fat man bring gifts, and are subjected to being portrayed as scantily-clad treehugging forest creatures for the amusement of humans.

Yet, not a one of us has ever been paid for this. That, my friends, is called slavery, and among humans it is considered an evil practice. You make all these laws about "Human Rights", but who ever considers the plight of the poor elf?

If you believe that elves should be treated with dignity, and paid a decent wage for their labor, please join me in signing this meaningless online declaration which will certainly bring these terrible crimes to the attention of the UN and world leaders.

MAKE A STAND FOR ELFKIND TODAY!
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby JamesT » Tue Oct 07, 2014 4:44 am

get back in the tree and make me some cookies, you damn, uppity knife ear.

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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby DashaBlade » Tue Oct 07, 2014 4:49 am

I'm putting you on the naughty list, JT. :evil:
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby Gen.Knowledge » Tue Oct 07, 2014 4:49 am

This is your punishment for leaving us to die during the Great Battle! An entire race rendered extinct due to the actions of yours! We were supposed to stand together dammit. Elves, Humans, Dwarves and Fairies! But no, you used us as bait! Fled to your forests! The poor Dwarves just didn't have the numbers us humans had, nor the long lives of the fairies, they never recovered from their losses that day. None of us did really.

Even the fairies stayed, and they hated us! How do you plan to repent for such sins!?
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby DashaBlade » Tue Oct 07, 2014 4:56 am

Gen.Knowledge wrote:Even the fairies stayed, and they hated us! How do you plan to repent for such sins!?


Well, hell, son, what did you expect when you refused to pay us? Fairy dust doesn't buy any Longbottom leaf, you know.
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby Dr. Ambiguous » Tue Oct 07, 2014 5:01 am

Fuckin' hell, I told you this tumblr shit would rot your brain. I know we make the elves work long hard hours baking us cookies in sub-optimal conditions, but it's not true to say you don't get paid. We give you cookies for your services. You really need to be more grateful for what you have and not try to get more. If the pay isn't good enough, you can go find work elsewhere and we'll just hire someone else. Don't be ridiculous with your greedy petition, just give it up and go back to work. Don't turn this good thing you have into a problem. The boss doesn't like problems, and he pays me to take care of them. Understand?
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby DashaBlade » Tue Oct 07, 2014 5:05 am

Pfft. What are you gonna do, hire gnomes? You know they wouldn't stand for the shit we elves have been putting up with. It's not like we're even asking for much - just maybe some apples and a mana potion every now and then, man.

I'm on to you management types. If my demands aren't met, I'm going to call for a strike, and that means War on Christmas.
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby Gen.Knowledge » Tue Oct 07, 2014 5:07 am

DashaBlade wrote:Well, hell, son, what did you expect when you refused to pay us? Fairy dust doesn't buy any Longbottom leaf, you know.


Ah, but we did pay. We even payed double to ensure your allegiance! Your leaders simply kept that to themselves. Guess you didn't know that. How do you think they can afford all that fancy mithril/adamentium alloy, or the moonstones you're so fond of? Greed, lad! Greed is what did us all in! Greed is what let the evil survive the battle and flee to parts unknown! Elvin greed!
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby Kate » Tue Oct 07, 2014 5:17 am

Will no one stand up for Elven rights? Y'all ought to be ashamed of yourselves!

*Kate signs the petition*

It's not much, but it counts for something.
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby Dr. Ambiguous » Tue Oct 07, 2014 5:26 am

DashaBlade wrote:Pfft. What are you gonna do, hire gnomes? You know they wouldn't stand for the shit we elves have been putting up with. It's not like we're even asking for much - just maybe some apples and a mana potion every now and then, man.

I'm on to you management types. If my demands aren't met, I'm going to call for a strike, and that means War on Christmas.

If you don't cease your asinine protest right now, I'll fire you and all the other elves, and make sure that all of them and your families are blacklisted from working at any place of employment within 500 miles. We have plenty of other people that we can hire who will gladly work for us, some want the job so badly they're willing to work below the current pay grade of any elf. We may just fire you anyway and hire replacements.

Anyone who signs the petition or supports this movement in any way is immediately terminated from employment and blacklisted.
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby DashaBlade » Tue Oct 07, 2014 5:30 am

Dr. Ambiguous wrote:If you don't cease your asinine protest right now, I'll fire you and all the other elves, and make sure that all of them and your families are blacklisted from working at any place of employment within 500 miles. We have plenty of other people that we can hire who will gladly work for us, some want the job so badly they're willing to work below the current pay grade of any elf. We may just fire you anyway and hire replacements.

Anyone who signs the petition or supports this movement in any way is immediately terminated from employment and blacklisted.


Oh no, please don't throw us in the briar patch, Br'er Fox. :mrgreen:

Your threats only cause an incentive to strike! Because if we strike, the Man promises to free us! So come on, elves of the world, unite! Join me under the banner of Not Cookie Making!
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby Tesseracts » Tue Oct 07, 2014 5:45 am

I object to elves on the grounds that nerds (aka the patriarchy) are obsessed with them.

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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby Deathclaw_Puncher » Tue Oct 07, 2014 5:59 am

Oh, I'll stand for elves!

Spoiler: show
Paticularly these elves:
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby Australia » Tue Oct 07, 2014 10:07 am

It's simple mathematics.

Two elves=so... twelve

Thus, two elves therefore should be able to do the work of twelve humans and that pay is set aside accordingly in cookie ratios. The fact that you use more elves to make up for the work you fall behind on means that pay is divided more and more. If you're not six times as efficient as humans, then you're not working to your potential and should not be rewarded for slacking off.

Now, if you'll put aside your petty and unwarranted strike, we won't alert the petition signers that they've been signing over their souls.
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Re: Stop the oppression of elves!

Postby JamesT » Tue Oct 07, 2014 2:20 pm

Look, Elf rights sounds like a good idea but they just aren't prepared for it. What do you think they'll do once they gain the right to vote? They'll just vote for bad policies because they aren't educated in Human affairs. Once they gain the right to drive, they'll just crash or ruin the cars because they'll treat the car like a wolf and stick food in the carburetor.

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And once they gain the right to not be whipped mercilessly every time they forget to call you master, their manners will suffer as well.

No, I can't see this whole "Elf rights" thing benefiting anyone much at all.
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