As a result of this, I decided it would be fun for TCS to make our own rankings. Use any criteria you wish to rank these United States (or those United States if you live outside of the country). I'm ranking them by the order in which I'd like to live in these states if I had a job which basically amounts to six factors: climate, cost of living, access to nature, access to culture, ease of avoiding other people, and pet laws.
Sellers' Ranking of the United States States
- Oregon: A relatively low cost of living, nice year-round climate, and sensible exotic pet laws but Oregon at the top of my list. It's a shame about Portland, to be true, but it's a large enough state that that should be easy to avoid.
- Massachusetts: Fairly expensive and the exotic pet laws aren't ideal, but it's still my home state and all other things being equal I'd rather be back there. There's a lot of culture, a lot of nature, and all of the seasons except winter are pretty decent.
- Arkansas: My go-to state to make fun of in high school, perhaps my relationship with it was like those teenage boys who pull girls' hair. The combination of decent weather in the Ozarks, low cost-of-living, and relatively sensible exotic pet laws. Plus the woodland gardens are beautiful.
- Texas: The climate is insufferable pretty much everywhere in Texas that people actually live, but on all my other factors Texas is pretty great.
- Rhode Island: Like Massachusetts with better laws on pets but more people. Too many people.
- North Carolina: A thing of scenic beauty, North Carolina has parts that perform well on all my criteria though no single part meets them all at once.
- Vermont: The people are basically country Portlanders, but fortunately you'll never have to see them. I rate not being around people but still being close to lots of museums pretty highly, and I don't think there's any part of the country that does this better than Vermont.
- New Hampshire: Vermont's upside-down neighbor has high property taxes and more people, but it's legal to have fireworks and pet caimans here. Overall it's a slightly inferior version of Vermont.
- Washington: More expensive and more restrictive on pets, Washington State is basically a significantly inferior version of Oregon.
- Missouri: Missouri is to Arkansas as Washington is to Oregon, though it's actually got pretty decent exotic pet laws.
- New York: You couldn't pay me enough to live in New York City, and if I made enough money to live on Long Island I'd live almost anywhere else, but Upstate New York is actually pretty nice. It's basically a slightly worse version of New England, but still better than Maine or Connecticut.
- Virginia: A northeastern state when it comes to exotic pet laws and a Southern state when it comes to climate, plus I wouldn't want to live in Metro DC. But the Blue Ridge Mountains are nice.
- Wisconsin: Basically Illinois but better and with less corruption. Of any state in the Midwest probably my top choice.
- Idaho: I haven't been to Boise, but from everything I've heard it's nice. The climate isn't as nice as Washington or Oregon but better than you'd expect, and it otherwise seems similar to Oregon in most ways that matter to me.
- Louisiana: Cajun food and a rather libertine culture make this seem like a rather nice place to live if you can tolerate the climate.
- Ohio: Popular among marketers as a perfectly average state, but on all of my criteria Ohio seems slightly above average.
- Colorado: The exotic pet laws suck, and it's kind of expensive near Denver, but it's still a gorgeous state.
- New Mexico: I picture New Mexico as like Colorado but with more cacti.
- Minnesota: I dunno. It seems ... nice.
- Canada: Ditto for Canada, it seems pretty nice, at least in the far east and far west.
- Florida: I'm sure it's surprising that Florida is so high, but given how highly I rank having decent exotic pet laws, Florida is a good place to live. Plus the northern part of the state is beautiful.
- Illinois: Like Florida, reasonable exotic pet laws are the main reason this state ranks so high. It does well in all my other criteria but the severe corruption in the state is a bit offputting.
- Maine: Once again, I rate a state surprisingly high mostly because of relatively sane exotic pet laws for the area, which after Rhode Island are the best in New England. Maine is a state which has nothing except natural beauty. Its saving grace is that it's fairly close to places that matter.
- Delaware: Completing my collection of "it's mostly their laws on exotic pets" states, Delaware gets marked down for being one of three states where even sparklers are illegal.
- South Carolina: Aside from the whole "starting the Civil War" thing South Carolina seems like an OK, state, aside from being too hot.
- Georgia: Like South Carolina but hotter and with more people.
- Alabama: Like Georgia but even hotter and with Roy Moore.
- Montana: If I want to avoid other people I could do worse than Big Sky Country. And I figure rich people like Jackson Hole for a reason.
- Indiana: Aside from being kind of cold and in the middle of nowhere Indiana doesn't seem too bad.
- Israel: On one hand, it's full of Jews and I'm a philo-semite. On the other hand, this probably means it's hard to get bacon here.
- West Virginia: A land of cheap land and natural beauty where I expect the gummit would leave me alone, if I could somehow find a way of making money.
- Iowa: Like West Virginia but without mountains.
- Utah: Utah seems to be an up-and-coming state, though the weather seems less than ideal.
- Alaska: By contrast I like the weather in Alaska (the southern part, which is temperate year-round because of the ocean), but really nothing else about it aside from the relative absence of people.
- Hawai'i: Hawai'i bans everything out of ecological concerns, but if I'm going to have to give up my quaker parakeet I might as well do it for fresh lychees and pineapple.
- Puerto Rico: The poor man's Hawai'i. A surprisingly tolerable climate considering the location, though amenities are less amenable.
- Arizona: Now we start getting into the truly shitty states. The climate in northern Arizona is OK, but I'd still be in Arizona, the state where where racists go to die.
- Maryland: So boring I almost forgot about it.
- Michigan: When you take Detroit out of the picture it's basically a shittier version of Wisconsin. But if I lived in Michigan, I doubt I'd ever be able to forget the existence of Detroit.
- Nebraska: Probably the least shitty of the high plains states, but it's still Nebraska.
- Mississippi: This is probably the first ranking where Mississippi didn't come in dead last. But given that land is cheap and I could have most of the pets I want, it makes it into the rankings ahead of Connecticut.
- Connecticut: I would have a hard time living down the embarrassment of living in Connecticut, which means that the states which come after Connecticut are really awful indeed.
- Tennessee: Really, my only beef with Tennessee is that they ban quaker parakeets, but ban them they do.
- Nevada: The exotic pet laws in Nevada aren't actually sensible, they just let you have tigers which most people think is cool. And the climate sucks, and there's nothing resembling culture. But at least land is cheap.
- California: Similar reasoning to Hawai'i. If I'm going to live somewhere expensive where I have to give up my bird, might as well do it where the weather is nice.
- New Jersey: New Jersey has decent apricots and Bruce Springsteen and they keep discussing repealing their bans on quakers. If they ever do that and also repeal their ban on fireworks and also their ban on pumping your own gas they'll shoot up to at least ahead of Maryland. However not far ahead, because it's still the Garbage State.
- Pennsylvania: I'd have to give up my quaker but Pennsylvania used to have otherwise reasonable exotic pet laws. Then they changed that. And for some reason you can buy fireworks there but not use them.
- Wyoming: Wyoming at least doesn't ban quakers or fireworks, but the weather is extreme and somehow they have exotic pet laws more restrictive than those of New York State. Still, Wyoming at least has mountains.
- DC: There's the Smithsonian, and access to culture is the only thing I care about DC meets.
- Kansas: Kansas doesn't ban quakers, I just don't want to live on the high plains, especially if I'm not near Kansas city or Omaha. Doesn't matter how cheap the cost of living is.
- Oklahoma: Like Kansas but hotter and further away from anything.
- South Dakota: The slightly more temperate of the two Dakotas.
- North Dakota: North Dakota worst Dakota.
- Iraq: Meets absolutely none of my criteria, and is fully of illegal Mexicans who don't speak English. And when they do speak English they try to sell you rugs.
- Kentucky: Not only does it ban quakers but it has a shitty climate and Mitch McConnell.
Edited for misplaced parentheses. Dammit, Logan!