Best and Worst States

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Best and Worst States

Postby cmsellers » Mon Jan 29, 2018 7:48 pm

So there's a terrible article which is obviously meant to troll, ranking the US states. (If you Google you will find it, my only rule for this thread is that you don't help their Google results by linking it.) All that you need to know about this list is that it ranks Michigan the best state, Kentucky the third-best, and Massachusetts is worse than Alabama.

As a result of this, I decided it would be fun for TCS to make our own rankings. Use any criteria you wish to rank these United States (or those United States if you live outside of the country). I'm ranking them by the order in which I'd like to live in these states if I had a job which basically amounts to six factors: climate, cost of living, access to nature, access to culture, ease of avoiding other people, and pet laws.

Sellers' Ranking of the United States States
  1. Oregon: A relatively low cost of living, nice year-round climate, and sensible exotic pet laws but Oregon at the top of my list. It's a shame about Portland, to be true, but it's a large enough state that that should be easy to avoid.
  2. Massachusetts: Fairly expensive and the exotic pet laws aren't ideal, but it's still my home state and all other things being equal I'd rather be back there. There's a lot of culture, a lot of nature, and all of the seasons except winter are pretty decent.
  3. Arkansas: My go-to state to make fun of in high school, perhaps my relationship with it was like those teenage boys who pull girls' hair. The combination of decent weather in the Ozarks, low cost-of-living, and relatively sensible exotic pet laws. Plus the woodland gardens are beautiful.
  4. Texas: The climate is insufferable pretty much everywhere in Texas that people actually live, but on all my other factors Texas is pretty great.
  5. Rhode Island: Like Massachusetts with better laws on pets but more people. Too many people.
  6. North Carolina: A thing of scenic beauty, North Carolina has parts that perform well on all my criteria though no single part meets them all at once.
  7. Vermont: The people are basically country Portlanders, but fortunately you'll never have to see them. I rate not being around people but still being close to lots of museums pretty highly, and I don't think there's any part of the country that does this better than Vermont.
  8. New Hampshire: Vermont's upside-down neighbor has high property taxes and more people, but it's legal to have fireworks and pet caimans here. Overall it's a slightly inferior version of Vermont.
  9. Washington: More expensive and more restrictive on pets, Washington State is basically a significantly inferior version of Oregon.
  10. Missouri: Missouri is to Arkansas as Washington is to Oregon, though it's actually got pretty decent exotic pet laws.
  11. New York: You couldn't pay me enough to live in New York City, and if I made enough money to live on Long Island I'd live almost anywhere else, but Upstate New York is actually pretty nice. It's basically a slightly worse version of New England, but still better than Maine or Connecticut.
  12. Virginia: A northeastern state when it comes to exotic pet laws and a Southern state when it comes to climate, plus I wouldn't want to live in Metro DC. But the Blue Ridge Mountains are nice.
  13. Wisconsin: Basically Illinois but better and with less corruption. Of any state in the Midwest probably my top choice.
  14. Idaho: I haven't been to Boise, but from everything I've heard it's nice. The climate isn't as nice as Washington or Oregon but better than you'd expect, and it otherwise seems similar to Oregon in most ways that matter to me.
  15. Louisiana: Cajun food and a rather libertine culture make this seem like a rather nice place to live if you can tolerate the climate.
  16. Ohio: Popular among marketers as a perfectly average state, but on all of my criteria Ohio seems slightly above average.
  17. Colorado: The exotic pet laws suck, and it's kind of expensive near Denver, but it's still a gorgeous state.
  18. New Mexico: I picture New Mexico as like Colorado but with more cacti.
  19. Minnesota: I dunno. It seems ... nice.
  20. Canada: Ditto for Canada, it seems pretty nice, at least in the far east and far west.
  21. Florida: I'm sure it's surprising that Florida is so high, but given how highly I rank having decent exotic pet laws, Florida is a good place to live. Plus the northern part of the state is beautiful.
  22. Illinois: Like Florida, reasonable exotic pet laws are the main reason this state ranks so high. It does well in all my other criteria but the severe corruption in the state is a bit offputting.
  23. Maine: Once again, I rate a state surprisingly high mostly because of relatively sane exotic pet laws for the area, which after Rhode Island are the best in New England. Maine is a state which has nothing except natural beauty. Its saving grace is that it's fairly close to places that matter.
  24. Delaware: Completing my collection of "it's mostly their laws on exotic pets" states, Delaware gets marked down for being one of three states where even sparklers are illegal.
  25. South Carolina: Aside from the whole "starting the Civil War" thing South Carolina seems like an OK, state, aside from being too hot.
  26. Georgia: Like South Carolina but hotter and with more people.
  27. Alabama: Like Georgia but even hotter and with Roy Moore.
  28. Montana: If I want to avoid other people I could do worse than Big Sky Country. And I figure rich people like Jackson Hole for a reason.
  29. Indiana: Aside from being kind of cold and in the middle of nowhere Indiana doesn't seem too bad.
  30. Israel: On one hand, it's full of Jews and I'm a philo-semite. On the other hand, this probably means it's hard to get bacon here.
  31. West Virginia: A land of cheap land and natural beauty where I expect the gummit would leave me alone, if I could somehow find a way of making money.
  32. Iowa: Like West Virginia but without mountains.
  33. Utah: Utah seems to be an up-and-coming state, though the weather seems less than ideal.
  34. Alaska: By contrast I like the weather in Alaska (the southern part, which is temperate year-round because of the ocean), but really nothing else about it aside from the relative absence of people.
  35. Hawai'i: Hawai'i bans everything out of ecological concerns, but if I'm going to have to give up my quaker parakeet I might as well do it for fresh lychees and pineapple.
  36. Puerto Rico: The poor man's Hawai'i. A surprisingly tolerable climate considering the location, though amenities are less amenable.
  37. Arizona: Now we start getting into the truly shitty states. The climate in northern Arizona is OK, but I'd still be in Arizona, the state where where racists go to die.
  38. Maryland: So boring I almost forgot about it.
  39. Michigan: When you take Detroit out of the picture it's basically a shittier version of Wisconsin. But if I lived in Michigan, I doubt I'd ever be able to forget the existence of Detroit.
  40. Nebraska: Probably the least shitty of the high plains states, but it's still Nebraska.
  41. Mississippi: This is probably the first ranking where Mississippi didn't come in dead last. But given that land is cheap and I could have most of the pets I want, it makes it into the rankings ahead of Connecticut.
  42. Connecticut: I would have a hard time living down the embarrassment of living in Connecticut, which means that the states which come after Connecticut are really awful indeed.
  43. Tennessee: Really, my only beef with Tennessee is that they ban quaker parakeets, but ban them they do.
  44. Nevada: The exotic pet laws in Nevada aren't actually sensible, they just let you have tigers which most people think is cool. And the climate sucks, and there's nothing resembling culture. But at least land is cheap.
  45. California: Similar reasoning to Hawai'i. If I'm going to live somewhere expensive where I have to give up my bird, might as well do it where the weather is nice.
  46. New Jersey: New Jersey has decent apricots and Bruce Springsteen and they keep discussing repealing their bans on quakers. If they ever do that and also repeal their ban on fireworks and also their ban on pumping your own gas they'll shoot up to at least ahead of Maryland. However not far ahead, because it's still the Garbage State.
  47. Pennsylvania: I'd have to give up my quaker but Pennsylvania used to have otherwise reasonable exotic pet laws. Then they changed that. And for some reason you can buy fireworks there but not use them.
  48. Wyoming: Wyoming at least doesn't ban quakers or fireworks, but the weather is extreme and somehow they have exotic pet laws more restrictive than those of New York State. Still, Wyoming at least has mountains.
  49. DC: There's the Smithsonian, and access to culture is the only thing I care about DC meets.
  50. Kansas: Kansas doesn't ban quakers, I just don't want to live on the high plains, especially if I'm not near Kansas city or Omaha. Doesn't matter how cheap the cost of living is.
  51. Oklahoma: Like Kansas but hotter and further away from anything.
  52. South Dakota: The slightly more temperate of the two Dakotas.
  53. North Dakota: North Dakota worst Dakota.
  54. Iraq: Meets absolutely none of my criteria, and is fully of illegal Mexicans who don't speak English. And when they do speak English they try to sell you rugs.
  55. Kentucky: Not only does it ban quakers but it has a shitty climate and Mitch McConnell.


Edited for misplaced parentheses. Dammit, Logan!
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Last edited by cmsellers on Mon Jan 29, 2018 7:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Best and Worst States

Postby D-LOGAN » Mon Jan 29, 2018 7:50 pm

I feel marginalized :(
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Re: Best and Worst States

Postby Australia » Mon Jan 29, 2018 10:01 pm

Queensland: So hot you're encouraged to walk around with little clothing.
Victoria: I was born there. It also has one of the best gelato shops I've ever been to.
Western Australia: I'm sure it's fine. Plenty of desert so there's a good chance there's a magic lamp to be found in a cave of wonders, probably.
New South Wales: Not new, the Southest state or Welsh. Plus the Blues will never beat the Maroons in State of Origin and I don't know why they even try.
South Australia: Contains Adelaide, the New Jersey of Australia, in that it's a punchline because some city has to be.
Tasmania: Australia's Florida, in that it's a punchline and it knows why. Also not attached to the rest of Australia and if we're going to count that as Australia, why not New Zealand or Vanuatu or Antarctica or America or Europe or Africa or Asia or the North Pole or Mars or Alderaan or the Upside Down.
Northern Territory: Obviously a state but trying to be different by calling itself a territory. Grow up and accept who you are, you absolute child.
ACT: So lazy it can't even find a new location and has to be found inside another state, which I'm sure feels violated. Also, politicians.
Despair: Not a good state to be in at all.
Bliss: Stop pretending you're not in despair. It'll just be all the worse when you realise you're faking it.
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Re: Best and Worst States

Postby iMURDAu » Mon Jan 29, 2018 11:58 pm

I'm going to drop cmsellers off naked in West Baltimore at 3 a.m. so he can be reminded how boring Maryland is. I guess Ocean City is lame too. But this is someone who put Arkansas at #3. The cost of living is low for a reason. Same for Mississippi.
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Re: Best and Worst States

Postby JamishT » Tue Jan 30, 2018 7:43 am

I don't have the time, energy, or desire to rank all 56 states, but maybe I can do a top and bottom three?

Best:
1. South Carolina: surprise! I didn't put my home state at the top, because I'd move to SC before I'd move back home. I think SC has a great climate, but it's not Florida. In my experience, it also doesn't have the same reputation for backwardness and stuff that the surrounding states do. Other factors include southern food and girls with southern drawls.

2. OHIO! It's where I spent my first 18 years, it's where my ancestors settled in the early 1800's, it's always gonna be home for me. I will concur that Lake Erie is the worst of the Great Lakes, though.

3. Uhhhhhhh, Georgia, I guess? Also southern, and it has a huge film/TV industry in which I'd like to work.

Worst:
54. Rhode Island: why wasn't that little state just absorbed into another, bigger state? Get out.

55. Missouri: where I currently reside. From the property taxes on and annual safety inspections required of all cars, to the crappy roads, to the boring as heckkkkk drive from KC (which is one of few redeeming things about the state) to St. Louis (which sucks), to the too cold winters and sticky hot summers, this state lives up to its alias: Misery.

56. _ichigan: the woooooorst. It doesn't even deserve to be spelled out. We should just give it back to Canada, not that they'd want it.
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Re: Best and Worst States

Postby cmsellers » Tue Jan 30, 2018 8:16 am

To answer your question: Rhode Island was founded to be a bastion of freedom in what was then a deeply conservative New England. And then we kept it around because the smallest state having the longest state name (Rhode Island and Providence Plantations) is a fun trivia fact.

Though population-wise it's not even the smallest New England state. That would be Vermont, which is only a state because New York wouldn't let it be part of New Hampshire.
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Re: Best and Worst States

Postby JamishT » Tue Jan 30, 2018 8:44 am

I think I'd be okay with condensing all of New England down to one or two states. Those little guys are just annoying.
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Re: Best and Worst States

Postby Windy » Tue Jan 30, 2018 1:21 pm

Oregon, the state full of people who don't know how to pump their own gas
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Re: Best and Worst States

Postby jbobsully11 » Tue Jan 30, 2018 1:34 pm

Windy wrote:Oregon, the state full of people who don't know how to pump their own gas

*ahem*

At least over there, people in smaller towns are expected to figure it out.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I can't adequately do this; I haven't even been to enough areas in eight states to accurately say anything about most of those, let alone all fifty.
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Re: Best and Worst States

Postby Marcuse » Tue Jan 30, 2018 2:28 pm

The best state is Solid.
Worst is gas.
Liquid is in the middle.

Image
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Re: Best and Worst States

Postby RatElemental » Tue Jan 30, 2018 10:54 pm

Marcuse wrote:The best state is Solid.
Worst is gas.
Liquid is in the middle.

Spoiler: show
Image


Plasma is clearly the best state, with neutronium a close second.
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Re: Best and Worst States

Postby BROWNRECLUSE » Tue Jan 30, 2018 10:56 pm

Marcuse wrote:The best state is Solid.
Worst is gas.
Liquid is in the middle.

Spoiler: show
Image



Don't forget Solidus.
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