3 People with Absolutely No Impulse Control

Got a story you want to be featured on the front page / portal?

Here's where it gets done.

Moderator: Learned Nand

3 People with Absolutely No Impulse Control

Postby Deathclaw_Puncher » Wed Jan 27, 2016 11:49 pm

As Norman Bates would tell you, we all go a little mad sometimes. That's exceptionally true in the case of today's continuation of a series in which I explore the depths of humanity's dumbfuckery. What exactly is it about the impulsive stupidity of humanity? Where does it come from: Ignorance? Desperation? Evil wintergreen mint otherkin wizards?

Whatever this is?


In today's installment, we'll be looking at people who somehow managed to jump off a slippery slope, despite standing on a carpeted floor.

A man pulls out a gun at a Del Taco drive-thru

For our first story of impulsive dumbfuckery, we venture to Del Taco, a magical place in that it manages to be even sadder than Weinerschnitzel. In a Livonia, Michigan location of this wondrous realm, a man got tired of waiting for his order, so he did the logical thing and pulled a gun on the employees, all for food that is literally cheaper than Taco Bell.
Image

Seriously, this costs, like, 60 cents


First off, how little patience must this guy have? A reasonable wait time for fast food of this quality might be, what, a few minutes? I bet this guy gets angry at neutrinos for taking too long to pass through the Large Hadron Collider. And really, pulling out a gun? Last I checked, guns don't make cooking time faster. If that were the case, Chopped and Cutthroat Kitchen would be A LOT more hardcore.

Image

"Whoever wins this auction can blast their opponent in the fucking face!"


After the employees scattered, this man went back into his car and drove off, rendering his efforts to speed up the delivery of his food completely pointless. Again, this was all for about a half dollar's worth of food. Something tells me this guy doesn't have his priorities entirely in order.

Obama ISIS Halloween Decorations

There's a certain type of asshole that drags politics into everything. For these omnipolitical douchebags, there is no lightening up. This sort of person takes every opportunity to turn anything anyone does into a statement about their pet issue. "Why play video games when Congress did X?", "Why binge watch Narcos because war on drugs?", "Why stop at Thrifty's for some ice cream when Obama's Muslim weregoat army is loading people into FEMA camps?", and so on.

New Jersey resident and rectal diamond factory Bill D'Catt became one such asshole when he eschewed the usual Halloween decor for ISIS.

Image

No, not this one.


That's right, D'Catt littered his yard with life-sized dummies of hanged ISIS fighters, including one which was wearing an Obama mask and wielding a machete. D'Catt justified his actions by explaining that the real threat of ISIS was far scarier than a fake threat, like zombies. He was aiming for a realistic Halloween display, and the portrayal of Obama as a fighter for ISIS apparently counts as "realistic".

This guy is aware that it's the children going trick or treating, right? What did he expect, a heated debate with a 9-year-old dressed as Umbreon concerning whether or not Obama was secretly an ISIS militant? Did he assume the little girl dressed as Elsa would understand and agree with the political and racial symbolism in hanging America's first Black president from a tree after dressing him up as a terrorist? Or was he so desperate to be an asshole that he'd do it for any reason? D'Catt eventually took down the ISIS decor, but there's a chance people might have gotten a double-dose of D'Catt's distasteful dumbfuckery, as he said he might put the ISIS decor back up when Halloween famously came around, effectively breaking the Guinness World Record for point missing.

Image

As well as winning every "Chad from Accounting" look-alike contest for the next 20 or so years.


A Man Protests A 50 Cent Price Hike

Overreacting over cheap food is not just for taco places. Thirty-nine-year-old Mitchell Harris Feinberg of Brookhaven, Georgia took matters into his own hands when he noticed a horrible travesty within his Waffle House bill. Feinberg's world came crashing down around him as he noticed that the sausage biscuit, which normally cost him only $1, was now $1.50. In a noble feat of protest, Feinberg threw the bill on the floor, and proceeded to kick through the front door. After a brief chase, Feinberg was arrested and held on $2500 bail.
Image

All over one of these.


I've never been to a Waffle House, but most restaurants tend to list the prices of the food item either right next to a picture or right across from the listed words. Did this imbecile forget what those odd shapes on the menu next to those mysterious slashed "S"s were? Perhaps he did see the price hike, but it left him in such a state of shock that he repressed the memory until the bill arrived.
Image

More triggering than 'Nam
  • 15

Last edited by Deathclaw_Puncher on Thu Jan 28, 2016 4:16 am, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
Deathclaw_Puncher
Knight Writer
Knight Writer
 
Posts: 12452
Joined: Sun Apr 14, 2013 9:42 pm
Location: Fair Oaks, CA
Show rep
Title: Queen of the Furrets

Re: 3 People with Absolutely No Impulse Control

Postby Piter Lauchy » Thu Jan 28, 2016 12:20 am

Ericthebearjew wrote:Weinerschnitzel

*raises finger* *ahem* Wienerschnitzel
Now that I've improved that article considerably, I expect at least a co-author credit.
  • 14

The Oatmeal wrote:Live life passionately and love everyone like they are family, because Jesus is always with you. Jesus loves you seriously bigtime. He'd hug you until your eyeballs exploded out of your skull if he ever met you. He'd windsurf across oceans of dead Nazis which he personally slaughtered just to tell you that your new haircut is the bee's knees. [...]
Praise Jesus, especially when it's sunny outside because Jesus would totally be cool with you praising while you get a nice tan.
User avatar
Piter Lauchy
Time Waster
Time Waster
 
Posts: 1090
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2016 1:33 am
Location: Bier und Wurst
Show rep
Title: Idk, someone give me one

Re: 3 People with Absolutely No Impulse Control

Postby Delta Jim » Thu Jan 28, 2016 12:36 am

Ericthebearjew wrote:I bet this guy gets angry at neutrinos for taking too long to pass through the Large Hardon Collider


Image
  • 12

User avatar
Delta Jim
TCS Moderator
TCS Moderator
 
Posts: 1873
Joined: Wed Apr 17, 2013 10:59 pm
Location: Illinois
Show rep
Title: Not Very Notable

Re: 3 People with Absolutely No Impulse Control

Postby Piter Lauchy » Thu Jan 28, 2016 12:49 am

I Googled "Large Hardon Collider" to see if there's a gay porno of that name in order to furiously masturbate to joke about it. Turns out that no, there isn't one, but this small but entertaining and kinda NSFW website.

Uh, yeah, back on topic: ...people be crazy, man.
  • 10

The Oatmeal wrote:Live life passionately and love everyone like they are family, because Jesus is always with you. Jesus loves you seriously bigtime. He'd hug you until your eyeballs exploded out of your skull if he ever met you. He'd windsurf across oceans of dead Nazis which he personally slaughtered just to tell you that your new haircut is the bee's knees. [...]
Praise Jesus, especially when it's sunny outside because Jesus would totally be cool with you praising while you get a nice tan.
User avatar
Piter Lauchy
Time Waster
Time Waster
 
Posts: 1090
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2016 1:33 am
Location: Bier und Wurst
Show rep
Title: Idk, someone give me one

Re: 3 People with Absolutely No Impulse Control

Postby iMURDAu » Thu Jan 28, 2016 3:55 am

Ericthebearjew wrote:Last I checked, guns don't make cooking time faster. If that were the case, Chopped and Cutthroat Kitchen would be A LOT more hardcore.


Speaking of no impulse control I almost posted this without a spoiler tag for people who haven't watched a certain WWII era movie made by Quentin Tarantino. Or for people who didn't know that Ted Allen was on a certain Food Network show.
Spoiler: show
Image
  • 8

“This is going to become a bad meme,” Todd observed.
User avatar
iMURDAu
TCS Chomper
TCS Chomper
 
Posts: 6752
Joined: Fri Apr 19, 2013 10:08 am
Location: twitch.tv/beakstore
Show rep
Title: King of Fuh


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 3 guests