5 Douchebag Things Clients Ask Lawyers to Do

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Re: 5 Douchebag Things Clients Ask Lawyers to Do

Postby Learned Nand » Fri Jul 03, 2015 4:16 pm

He wasn't that great? Jerry Callo is one of the best attorneys in the country!
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Terry Pratchett wrote:The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

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OrangeEyebrows wrote:There once was a guy, Aviel,
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He tested with Turing,
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and now we'll have peace for a spell.
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Re: 5 Douchebag Things Clients Ask Lawyers to Do

Postby EstebanColberto » Fri Jul 03, 2015 8:27 pm

Btw, pro-tip in case you're ever accused of shooting and killing someone. Never say, "I shot the clerk?" in questioning disbelief to the police. That'll come back around to bite you in the ass quicker than you can say, "I shot the clerk."
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Re: 5 Douchebag Things Clients Ask Lawyers to Do

Postby sunglasses » Fri Jul 03, 2015 8:29 pm

I read Flex Your Rights with regularity. If I'm ever picked up and they're holding me for suspicion of a crime, I ain't speaking without a lawyer. Eff that.
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Re: 5 Douchebag Things Clients Ask Lawyers to Do

Postby escott » Fri Jul 03, 2015 11:05 pm

An attorney who will lie to a judge, when the repercussions are potentially serious, will certainly lie to a client, which is much less risky. As somebody who for better or worse needs to work with lawyers on a regular basis, I value trust much higher than legal skills. The latter can be obtained; the former, once lost, cannot be recovered.
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Re: 5 Douchebag Things Clients Ask Lawyers to Do

Postby CommanderRidley » Fri Jul 03, 2015 11:46 pm

Fantastic article, Beernpotatoes!
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Re: 5 Douchebag Things Clients Ask Lawyers to Do

Postby cmsellers » Sat Jul 04, 2015 3:05 am

So three things I'm curious about:

  1. You probably could have pitched this to Cracked and gotten paid for it. Why didn't you?
  2. You seem like a movie lawyer in how many different fields you appear to have covered. I thought lawyers generally specialized in one area (like my mother only does contracts). How is it that you do both criminal and family law, and possibly other areas you haven't mentioned as well?
  3. Nearly all politicians get their starts as lawyers. What is it about the law that attracts the sorts of people who eventually become politicians?
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Re: 5 Douchebag Things Clients Ask Lawyers to Do

Postby Learned Nand » Sat Jul 04, 2015 5:17 am

cmsellers wrote:So three things I'm curious about:

  1. You probably could have pitched this to Cracked and gotten paid for it. Why didn't you?

He covered this; Cracked did approach him but then rejected the article.
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Terry Pratchett wrote:The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Click for a Limerick
OrangeEyebrows wrote:There once was a guy, Aviel,
whose arguments no one could quell.
He tested with Turing,
his circuits fried during,
and now we'll have peace for a spell.
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Re: 5 Douchebag Things Clients Ask Lawyers to Do

Postby cmsellers » Sat Jul 04, 2015 5:56 am

aviel wrote:
cmsellers wrote:
  1. You probably could have pitched this to Cracked and gotten paid for it. Why didn't you?

He covered this; Cracked did approach him but then rejected the article.

Oh, I missed that post. Thanks avi.
I'm amazed Cracked turned him down. Absolutely amazed.
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Re: 5 Douchebag Things Clients Ask Lawyers to Do

Postby Krashlia » Sat Jul 04, 2015 9:33 pm

"it’s so bad that I won’t take a case, no matter how good it looks, if the potential client even mentions Christ, God, Church or anything remotely related to religion. "Jesus also said, in his word "Give unto Ceasar what belongs to Ceasar, and unto God what belongs to God." But I sense, one again, that such a case might become complicated the moment they feel God spoke to them and involves an entire church/family in it.being a religious, church going folk myself I don't like the thought of it.
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Re: 5 Douchebag Things Clients Ask Lawyers to Do

Postby Krashlia » Sat Jul 04, 2015 10:15 pm

"Some clever douchebags figure out fairly quickly that, whenever I stand up in front of the judge to talk, the judge takes me at my word. That’s not because he and I play golf together on the weekend, it’s because he knows that he has my nuts in a vice if I turn out to be fibbing. "
I can't help but imagine that, each time before a lawyer gets to speak, this happens-

Lawyer- (opens mouth to speak) A-

Justice So-and-So- (interrupts by a guesture)(taps index finger against desk/bench)

Lawyer- (sighs)(walks up to bench, unzips, soft thudding/tapping noise is heard) (feels something cold "gently" holding the sacks) Your Honor, I swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God (gulps).

Justice Soandso- Proceed.

Lawyer- Your Honor, my client was last seen at 4-36 pm after breaking the victims legs. The victim suffered unrelated injuries and died f-from them after a fall at 5-21. He should be charged for manslaughter.

Lawyer #2- (grins maliciously) Your Honor-

Lawyer- (sweat drops)

Lawyer #2- The deceased was seen by a forensic investigator. He was found to have experieced rigor at 4-58 and was found to be dead from blood loss at 4-43.

Lawyer- (pleadingly looks at judge)

(outside the doors of the courtroom)
"HHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNN-HNNNNNNNG!" followed by deep Sobbing
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Last edited by Krashlia on Sun Jul 05, 2015 4:38 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: 5 Douchebag Things Clients Ask Lawyers to Do

Postby Learned Nand » Sat Jul 04, 2015 10:28 pm

You should be able to edit it? Did you use the media site's comment section feature or did you just make a post on the forum?

Oh, you know, that's why you probably don't see an edit button either. You're looking at it on the media site. This is unfortunate; through a bug and an omission of a feature, I've effectively punished you for using the media site, even though I'm trying to get more people to use it.

Find this thread in the articles forum and edit your post there. Later today, I'll fix the bug that removes newlines and add an "edit" button to the media site.
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Terry Pratchett wrote:The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Click for a Limerick
OrangeEyebrows wrote:There once was a guy, Aviel,
whose arguments no one could quell.
He tested with Turing,
his circuits fried during,
and now we'll have peace for a spell.
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Re: 5 Douchebag Things Clients Ask Lawyers to Do

Postby Beernpotatoes » Sun Jul 05, 2015 3:20 am

cmsellers wrote:So three things I'm curious about:

  1. You probably could have pitched this to Cracked and gotten paid for it. Why didn't you?
  2. You seem like a movie lawyer in how many different fields you appear to have covered. I thought lawyers generally specialized in one area (like my mother only does contracts). How is it that you do both criminal and family law, and possibly other areas you haven't mentioned as well?
  3. Nearly all politicians get their starts as lawyers. What is it about the law that attracts the sorts of people who eventually become politicians?


2. I'm in a small, general practice firm that handles a variety of cases. Most of my caseload these days involves representing small businesses and construction companies. Small business clients tend to throw all kinds of cases at you. If their electrician got picked up on a DUI and they need him on a project, they send me. When their brother is getting a divorce, they call me. I do their wills and I get their kids out of trouble at school. I don't actually do much family law anymore myself, but we have a guy in our office who does.


3. One skill that lawyers master is persuasive speaking. Add that to a misguided belief that a lot of lawyers have that they are smarter than everyone else, and voila! You got yourself a politician.
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Can't a guy screw someone out of an honest buck without getting a big hassle?
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Re: 5 Douchebag Things Clients Ask Lawyers to Do

Postby 52xMax » Sun Jul 05, 2015 4:22 am

EstebanColberto wrote:Btw, pro-tip in case you're ever accused of shooting and killing someone. Never say, "I shot the clerk?" in questioning disbelief to the police. That'll come back around to bite you in the ass quicker than you can say, "I shot the clerk."


Alright, alright, I'll admit it: I shot the clerk. In my defense, he was being a total jerk.

Image

But I didn't shoot no deputy.
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Re: 5 Douchebag Things Clients Ask Lawyers to Do

Postby Krashlia » Sun Jul 05, 2015 4:28 am

52xMax wrote:
EstebanColberto wrote:Btw, pro-tip in case you're ever accused of shooting and killing someone. Never say, "I shot the clerk?" in questioning disbelief to the police. That'll come back around to bite you in the ass quicker than you can say, "I shot the clerk."


Alright, alright, I'll admit it: I shot the clerk. In my defense, he was being a total jerk.

Image

But I didn't shoot no deputy.


But I did no-

aww damnit.
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Re: 5 Douchebag Things Clients Ask Lawyers to Do

Postby LiteralHipster » Tue Jul 07, 2015 4:44 pm

Great article!
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