how to win a barfight

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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby jayman419 » Thu Jun 13, 2013 9:31 am

I'll open with ... trying to punch out a drunk is a good way to break fingers without really settling anything. I can't think of any situation where punching someone is a good idea. I mean, if you're Iron Mike, and you practice that one move 4-6 hours a day, sure ... why not? But for the most part ... the brain is pretty important, and the body has spent a lot of time adapting to violence, so unless you get lucky with a sucker punch to the temple or chin, you're just gonna make someone mad.

And my second point ... most bars are just fine. What you want are the dive bars. The really shitty looking places, where the people inside are on a mission. The ones filled with people who are not looking to lock horns and mount females, they just want to get drunk.

But ... When I was young and light, I used to have all kinds of plans. I lived with a ninja, and I hung out (and got drunk) with a bunch of people who were up to spar for hours on end. But during my years in TN I never once got in a fight.

The closest was kind of a communal thing, when our (even more drunken) neighbor decided that our refusal to let him use our telephone was a cause for violence, and he started to come up the porch steps. (He didn't ask, he just belligerently yelled towards us that he was coming to use the phone.) Between the 4 of us, nearly 700 lbs. of gentlemen moved to the top of the stairs to welcome him, and he decided that discretion actually *was* the better part of valor, and off he went.

Now that I'm 36, and I've got the jelly belly (and reflexes) of a comfortable man, I tend to plan my fights as "Do I really need to go out tonight?" Beyond that it's more "let them give me an appendage, then apply pain to that appendage".

Much like Ganymede, I don't consider "fairness" when someone is trying to hurt me. Dig your fingers into their elbow, wrist, neck, eyes, nads, knees ... twist ankles or ears or, again, nads... there's all kinds of ways that you can apply pain as a deterrent. Overall, I think that's more likely to help than going for a knockout.
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby Mr Dent » Thu Jun 13, 2013 11:39 am

Mike Tyson was a devasting boxer who was far more than a one trick pony. In his Olympic debut he destroyed people inside of 30 seconds. Also, I believe the point of Midas' post was having a plan is great, but getting punched disorients you, puts you in a state of shock etc. hardly the best conditions to follow a step by step guide from the internet. A fight isn't predictable.

I have no plan for fights besides just be a good bloke and act like an adult, and people don't fuck with me.

What do you do about the guy's friends while you're twisting at his nutbag?
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby FaceTheCitizen » Thu Jun 13, 2013 9:35 pm

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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby Learned Nand » Thu Jun 13, 2013 9:39 pm

That only works if your power level is over 9000.
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby FaceTheCitizen » Thu Jun 13, 2013 10:12 pm

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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby Eternauta » Fri Jun 14, 2013 9:50 am

Gash wrote:Here's a good way to win a bar fight.

First, cup your hands to the side and concentrate a certain amount of ki onto your palms (remember, your cupped hands must be touching or very close). Once enough ki is gathered, blast the white-blue beam on your opponent's face. Caution: you might destroy the bar.



Usually I just stand for about 15 mins collecting ki to reach my final form while my opponents comment on my aura.

The only problem is every time I reach my final form, I lose my memory, usually waking up the next day in an alleyway, drained and aching, with my opponents nowhere to be seen, probably blown to smithereens by one of my ki blasts.
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby DoglovingJim » Mon Apr 20, 2015 4:58 pm

I don't know... my generation (well myself at least) were not really into eastern martial arts and all that so I can't give you any fancy spin kicks or whatnot.

We would just box, and boxing luckily is something I seemed to have been good at.

Also I would have an advantage over anyone who tries to pick a fight, due to my lifelong vow never to drink alcohol [story for another day] I would most likely be the only one sober.
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby Tesseracts » Mon Apr 20, 2015 5:20 pm

Jeez, this thread is old.

I never had the words for this thread, luckily JaT introduced us to this perfect gif:

Spoiler: show
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby FieldMarshalFry » Sun Apr 26, 2015 2:43 pm

bah, who needs all that funny foreign martial arts stuff when you could go for the good old British "kick im inna nuts!", and to quote Sergeant Jackrum: "in a melee, you don't get bonus points for fighting fair"

oh and never pick a fight with that small, wrinkle, bald, smiling old man who just ordered tea with rancid yak milk, remember Rule 1, and then remember Rule 19: "Remember never to forget Rule One, and always ask yourself, how come it was created in the first place?"
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby FieldMarshalFry » Sun Apr 26, 2015 3:12 pm

actually... this is how you win a bar fight
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby Anglerphobe » Sun Apr 26, 2015 4:13 pm

My contribution to this thread comes in the form of a Japanese legend.

Spoiler: show
After a petty fight with his sister, the sun goddess Amaterasu, which resulted in her hiding in a cave and temporarily putting out the sun, the Shinto god of storms Susanoo was banished from Heaven.

He descended into the mortal realm, to the province of Izumo, and walked in the land of the living. While passing the rushing whitewaters of the Hii river, Susanoo heard the sound of terrible, anguished wailing. Investigating the source of the awful sound, he found an elderly couple knelt by the riverbank. Their faces were strained with despair and their voices shook with grief.
The god asked what was causing their lament and was told. They had been forced each successive year to sacrifice one of their eight daughters to the greedy eight headed, eight tailed dragon. Only one daughter remained, and they knew that the dragon would soon return to claim her also.

Susanoo offered to help, and the couple accepted his assistance. He took the final girl and transformed her into a comb, which he stuck in his hair. Knowing the beast's greed, he then brewed eight huge vats of sake, and built an enclosure around them. When this work was done, he waited nearby for the dragon's arrival.
Sure enough, the ground soon rumbled with the approach of the horror. The beast looked as a terrible mountain crawling over the land, with firs and cypress trees growing from its broad back and moss covering its black stone skin. Upon finding the their respective vats of sake, each of the eight heads drank greedily and deeply.
The intoxicative effects of the liquor were soon felt by the greedy dragon, and each head in turn swayed and drooped until all had fallen into a drunken sleep. As the monster slumbered, Susanoo strode forward and, drawing his ten-span sword, slew it by hacking it to pieces.

As he hacked off the fourth tail of the dragon, Susanoo found in it the shine of metal. He reached into it, and drew from it a magnificent sword. He named the beautiful and mighty weapon Ame-no-Murakumo-no-Tsurugi (Sword of the clouds of Heaven) and presented it to his estranged sister Amaterasu as reconciliatory gift.

That same sword which Susanoo cut from the tail of the eight headed, eight tailed dragon, was later gifted by Amaterasu to her grandson Ninigi along with her mirror and orb. Ninigi, who was sent down to earth to cultivate it, fathered the ancient line of Japanese Emperors, and his three gifts have been used as the imperial regalia since the founding of the dynasty.


The lesson, of course, is that if you want to win a barfight, you must first seem to reconcile with your enemy and buy him several stiff drinks and talk out your disagreement. Then, when his drunkenness makes him vulnerable, cut him to pieces with your sword.

Edit: He also married the girl, I think. I forget what her name was, but it was part of the deal with saving her and defeating the serpent.
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby DoglovingJim » Sun Apr 26, 2015 4:22 pm

Anglerphobe wrote:Edit: He also married the girl, I think. I forget what her name was, but it was part of the deal with saving her and defeating the serpent.


Love and relationships in general were so much easier back in those times, now they expect us to go on these things called "dates" and actually get to know them.

WHY CAN'T I JUST FIGHT A LION WITH MY BARE HANDS OR SOMETHING INSTEAD?

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Fighting a lion barehanded like Samson did in the days of old, why can't I just do that...
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby JoReL » Wed Aug 31, 2016 8:11 am

FuckYourOpinion.jpg
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby ghijkmnop » Wed Aug 31, 2016 3:16 pm

Redacted
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Last edited by ghijkmnop on Fri Mar 15, 2019 9:17 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby DoglovingJim » Sat Sep 17, 2016 9:12 am

There is also another way to win a barfight.

Simply apologise for whatever stupid thing stirred this conflict (even if the guy is wrong, since as long as you know that you're right who cares) and offer to buy the bloke another drink.
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Edgar Cabrera wrote:HOLY SHIT GUYS, IT'S DOGLOVINGJIM!!! HE'S HERE!!!

skoobadive wrote:It's the legendary DoglovingJim! Ohboy, this must be the greatest day of my life!

Cracked.com wrote:Initially, his interest in animals was "primarily a sexual attraction," but as he grew older, he also "developed the emotional attraction." We guess we could call what Jim does ... dog-lovin'
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