how to win a barfight

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how to win a barfight

Postby jayman419 » Fri May 17, 2013 11:37 am

Ok. You're at a bar. Some drunken lout comes up to you, and he wants to fight.

My room mate was a Shao Lin teacher. I never bothered to take his class. We just hung out and fucked around. For months I practiced with him, basically watching him show me how he could kick my ass with various katas.

Without realizing that he was giving me a different level of education than he was offering his students, I began learning the most basic "Imma keek yer ass!" move of all... the shoulders push.

I don't have the ability to just film myself. Instead you're just going to have to accept my words as a poor substitute, and imagine then work on this move on you're own.

Ok.... Now, Danny G. was always talking about the importance of lighting up pressure points. You walk past someone you think might be a problem and you flick 'em in the thigh, or you hand them a drink and you rub their wrist .. those moves light up the nerves and set up the individual for X many pressure points equals win (in this case, unconscious).

He always said that lighting up multiple pressure points along a certain path would create a certain situation that would let a smaller individual defeat a larger person. He may be right. I never got that far. But you don't have to light up X many "fire" points to melt metal. All you need to do is ...

Ok, you're in a bar and some guy wants to fight you. He does the classic push.... his hands hit your shoulders and rock you back. If you have even three seconds to prepare you can with this fight, it doesn't matter how strong you are, it doesn't matter how quick you are, it doesn't matter how "tough" you are, and it doesn't matter how big the other dude is.

What you do is set yourself at the very moment you see it happening. Imagine you're back in third grade and the gym teacher is rolling a ball towards you. What leg would you kick with? For me, the answer is my left foot. For you it may be the right. Either way, that leg you'd kick with you want to have behind your center of gravity by the time you are ready to engage. The leg you wouldn't kick with is just what you're using to balance, barely touching the ball of your foot to the ground.

/ \
/ \
/ \ not
kick kick

Ok, he's gonna put his hands on your shoulders and try to shove you. So shifting most of your weight back onto your kick foot, you want to just absorb it. You'll rock back a bit (but not so much that you lose your balance) and then... Lean right back into him, pushing him on his shoulders. The best way is palms flat on his pecs, the ends of your middle fingers barely curl around his shoulders before they slide off. The classic "What then?!" move.

He will come right back with his own push. This is exactly what you want him to do. You will win the fight in the next three seconds, before he's even sure it started. Before he's sure he wants to start shit even, right about when the other kids would start yelling "Fight!!!" "Fight!!!".

So he puts his palms on your shoulders and tries to shove you again. You've seen this happen a million million times on the playground. Here's the tweest.

You put your palms together, inside his arms. Bring them up (palms still together) then spread your arms like wings and bring them back down. Now, he was pushing you, so he's moved a bit but basically as his hands are slipping up off your shoulders, you want to bring your arms up and over his and back down. Your biceps should be on his forearm, a few inches below (towards the digits) his elbow. Now you bring your palms together again, and bring your arms up.

This means that your forearm is on his biceps, and his elbow is locked in your arms, his hands stretched useless over your shoulder.I'm gonna pause here (because I can) and describe it again.

He tried to push you, but you rocked back onto your strong leg. His hands, in the completion of the push, slid up and off your shoulders. While he was doing that, you brought your arms up (in between his) and then back down (outside of his) so that the basic situation is his hands are a few inches beyond your shoulders, and your hands are a few inches away from his collarbone.

Now you just curl your ring finger and pinky beneath your thumb, while pointing your index and ring finger at his throat. Then, laying your middle finger's knuckle against his collar bone (with the middle and index fingers still extended) you simply twist in.

Another brief recap... so the inner (closest to the body) edges of your biceps/upper arm are against the outer edge of his forearms. The outside edge of your forearms are against the inner edges of his biceps. His arms are locked in a position that leaves his hands dangling uselessly beyond your shoulders while your index and middle fingers are practically touching over his Adam's apple.

Now just twist your hands in. The index and middle fingers go over the collar bone, the thumb goes under it. You're gonna have to shove your thumb in there, but if the dude didn't want pain he could have just not started shit with a mamba.

At this point, you can make him do just about anything you want him to. If he has buddies who are trying to hurt you, just spin so his ass and back take the blows. If it's just you and him, you can come down with a headbutt (remember, your forehead vs their nose is the win) or up with a knee (using your torso to bring more power as you twist into a nut shot with your chest, abdomen, and thighs) ... no matter what, the end result is one very sad panda.
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby Midas Burroughs » Fri May 17, 2013 9:46 pm

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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby Ganymede314 » Fri May 17, 2013 9:58 pm

This is great Jay! I learned a little bit of Wing Chun before and this style seems similar - get their arms out of the way and a quick damaging jab before running the fuck away. All about balance and keeping your head, the drunks usually telegraph their intentions pretty blatantly. I would go for the old thumb in the eye, or the throat thingy, or the ever reliable kick in the goolies. It's good because it usually works regardless of the size of the people involved, I'm tiny and I had cause to fuck some guy's shit right up a couple of years ago. It ended with the blade of my forearm smashing his nose. In fairness he was very drunk. But I'm taking it as a victory.
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby D-LOGAN » Fri May 17, 2013 10:44 pm

Well my drunken bar fight escapades usually go as follows: Get the sh*t kicked out of me in record time, everyone within earshot cheers the other guy (or girl as the case may be) on and offers to buy him a drink. And a good time is had by all.

Word to the wise, if you cry as much as you can and use your drink to make it look like you've wet yourself in fear, chances are, your opponant will be so filled with disgust and shame to share a species with you, their heart won't really be in said beating. The more you know.
:)
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Last edited by D-LOGAN on Sat May 18, 2013 2:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby Midas Burroughs » Fri May 17, 2013 11:34 pm

I read that as:

Ganymede314 wrote:It ended with a blade the size of my forearm smashing his nose.
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby FaceTheCitizen » Sat May 18, 2013 12:03 am

...
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby w00 » Sat May 18, 2013 1:25 am

How not to win a bar fight: go in with one move up your sleeve and hope to hell your opponent sets up just so in order for that one move to work perfectly.
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby Learned Nand » Sat May 18, 2013 2:22 am

I've studied martial arts for 10 years, so I'd like to add a few tips in as well on how to win a bar fight:

First: don't go to bars.

Second: if you're in a bar, don't get in a fight. (I know these points seem obvious, but really, the best way to win a fight is to avoid one).

Third: if you've somehow found yourself in a bar, fighting with another person, kick him hard in the balls, knees, or shins. It doesn't take a lot of force to hurt those areas, so do it quickly.
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby Mr Dent » Sat May 18, 2013 4:59 am

I've been drinking in bars for over 10 years and it's no where near as bad as people make out. From my experience it's generally young idiots trying to drink as much as they can to look awesome and have no idea how to get/give respect are the ones that get into trouble. Growing up is the best medicine.
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby Learned Nand » Sat May 18, 2013 6:26 am

That's exactly as awful as I thought it was and more than enough reason for me to avoid them.
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Terry Pratchett wrote:The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Click for a Limerick
OrangeEyebrows wrote:There once was a guy, Aviel,
whose arguments no one could quell.
He tested with Turing,
his circuits fried during,
and now we'll have peace for a spell.
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby Strant » Sun May 19, 2013 10:05 pm

Well while i have never been in a bar fight, but i made (Stole) a haiku about it

Do not mess with me
Or i will cry all over
You until you leave.
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby moosemaimer » Mon May 20, 2013 12:25 pm

cowardly wailing
pitiful little manchild
not worth the effort
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby LaoWai » Mon May 20, 2013 12:41 pm

D-LOGAN wrote:Well my drunken bar fight escapades usually go as follows: Get the sh*t kicked out of me in record time, everyone within earshot cheers the other guy (or girl as the case may be) on and offers to buy him a drink. And a good time is had by all.


This is remarkably similar to the way I fight. If I maintain consciousness, I usually add a little quip at the end, like "Yeah, but we'll see how you feel tomorrow when you wake up with sore knuckles," then cough up some blood. If you can get a little pitying chuckle out of the standers-by, they tend to be a bit more gracious about throwing you out the door and toss you in a soft pile of garbage instead of on hard pavement.
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby Mr Dent » Tue May 21, 2013 4:20 am

aviel wrote:That's exactly as awful as I thought it was and more than enough reason for me to avoid them.


Just out of curiousity, what's so awful?
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Re: how to win a barfight

Postby Learned Nand » Tue May 21, 2013 4:37 am

Mr Dent wrote:
aviel wrote:That's exactly as awful as I thought it was and more than enough reason for me to avoid them.


Just out of curiousity, what's so awful?

I don't enjoy people acting like idiots. I find it some combination of annoying and depressing.
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Terry Pratchett wrote:The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Click for a Limerick
OrangeEyebrows wrote:There once was a guy, Aviel,
whose arguments no one could quell.
He tested with Turing,
his circuits fried during,
and now we'll have peace for a spell.
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