Bad Stand-Up Corner

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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby SlayerGoddess » Wed Jan 22, 2020 1:49 am

This may be the most awful joke I've ever heard.

I saw a guy with half a jacket. I asked him what happened, and he said someone jacked it
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I survived watching "50 Shades of Grey" for TCS Movie Night

3/7/15

NEVER FORGET
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Fri Feb 21, 2020 11:15 pm

Deathclaw_Puncher wrote:I have the world’s worst thesaurus. It’s terrible and terrible.

I had that one, but I exchanged it for another. When I opened the new thesaurus, I saw it had only blank pages. I had no words to describe how angry I was.
  • 3

Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby iMURDAu » Wed Mar 11, 2020 12:59 am

Today I learned Al Capone's cousin Mars had a cheese named after him.
  • 5

“This is going to become a bad meme,” Todd observed.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Pedgerow » Wed Mar 11, 2020 9:15 pm

I'm okay at a lot of things, but not outstanding at anything. Well, there is one thing, but never mind. And that is why I am a Jack Off All Trades.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Mon Mar 16, 2020 1:34 pm

I thought this one was already in this thread, but I can’t find it.

A guy goes on vacation and has his friend keep an eye on his pets. A few days later, he calls to see how they’re doing. His friend says, “I’m afraid I have some bad news. Your cat died yesterday.”

The guy says, “What? That’s no way to deliver bad news. First tell me the cat is on the roof and won’t come down, then the next time I call say that he stopped eating... you know, build up to it.” His friend apologizes.

“And by the way, how is everyone else?”

“Well, your mother is on the roof and she won’t come down.”
  • 6

Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Sat Apr 18, 2020 9:11 pm

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar, and one of them says, “I think I’m a typo.”
  • 6

Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby JamishT » Sun Apr 19, 2020 2:44 am

jbobsully11 wrote:A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar, and one of them says, “I think I’m a typo.”


He was then bombarded by requests from the Red Cross to donate blood
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JamishT was a heck of a guy,
With a devilish twinkle in his eye.
With his hand-picked flowers,
And his feel-good powers,
He made all the girls blush and sigh.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Tue Jul 14, 2020 10:43 pm

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
  • 3

Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby iMURDAu » Tue Jul 14, 2020 10:58 pm

jbobsully11 wrote:A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar, and one of them says, “I think I’m a typo.”


I heard an alternate version where the punchline is:

The bartender says to the rabbit "What'll ya have?" and the rabbit says "Oh nothing, I'm just here because of autocorrect."
  • 3

“This is going to become a bad meme,” Todd observed.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Sun Jul 19, 2020 10:33 pm

Here’s a funny, non-dirty limerick* I just read:

There once was a man, Philip Glass
There once was a man, Philip Glass
There once was a man, Philip Glass
There once was a man, Philip Glass
There once was a man, Philip Glass


*for some value of “limerick”
  • 1

Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby cmsellers » Tue Jul 21, 2020 4:03 am

Screen Shot 2020-07-20 at 10.04.46 PM.png
Screen Shot 2020-07-20 at 10.04.46 PM.png (128.6 KiB) Viewed 1812 times


If you changed it thusly, it would at least technically be a limerick:

There once was a man, Philip Glass
There once was a man, Philip Glass
There once was a man,
There once was a man,
There once was a man, Philip Glass
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby cmsellers » Sat Aug 22, 2020 5:32 am

I want to travel back in time. I'll call myself "Stradivarius Amos," but friends will call me "Strad." I'll use my knowledge of time-travel to made a name for myself as someone who can predict the future.

Then whenever anyone else predicts the future, people will say "you're good, but you're no Strad Amos"
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Sat Aug 22, 2020 1:48 pm

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you. You have my Word.
  • 5

Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Mon Sep 07, 2020 2:55 am

I had a date last night, and I really enjoyed it. Tonight, I’ll try a fig.
  • 2

Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Pedgerow » Tue Sep 08, 2020 10:57 pm

I'm always out of breath, and I keep coughing and turning into Dean Martin. I think I've caught croonervirus.
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