Bad Stand-Up Corner

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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Krashlia » Wed Mar 15, 2017 8:40 pm

Okay, in the tradition of grossly offensive and terrible humor, I have a terrible joke inspired by the newest season of samurai jack.

What sort of man would Aku be if he had seven kids and never came back to see them?...

He'd be A-






ku.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Sat Mar 18, 2017 9:30 pm

Why is it bad to iron a four-leaf clover?

Spoiler: show
Because you shouldn't press your luck.


I have something that allows people to see through walls.

Spoiler: show
It's a window.
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Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby skrotkanon » Sun Mar 19, 2017 2:21 am

A man walks straight into a gay bar.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby tinyrick » Sun Apr 30, 2017 6:32 am

An arsonist set fire to my local Chinese buffet. I'd never seen such wonton destruction.
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YEEEEEEAAAHHHHH!!! Tiny Rick!
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Matthew Notch » Thu Jul 06, 2017 9:52 pm

I have two jokes that only work in visual form.

Spoiler: show

"What's this? It's the other half of this. No wait wait wait. What's this? I don't know but here it comes again."


Also an old favorite:

Knock knock
Who's there
Matt
Matt who
For God's sake woman there's a bear out here let me the hell in
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It's Dangerous to Go Alone


"I desperately want Jiggery Pokery now."-- Pikajew

"I do feel that if she happens to favour attractive, successful, intelligent men I will be at a disadvantage."--Anglerphobe

"I have a beautiful sphincter and Mexico is gonna pay for it."--Kate
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Kivutar » Fri Jul 07, 2017 2:53 am

I finally remembered this gem:

Patricia Whack was an ordinary bank teller who was going about her duties one day when the door opened, but no one seemed to be walking in. Looking up, she saw that a largeish bullfrog was hopping towards her. Before she could chase it out, it hopped up on her desk and spoke.
"I would like to take out a loan."
When she recovered from her initial surprise, she answered uncertainly: "It's pretty unusual for us to lend money to animals."
"My father is very rich and famous", the bullfrog answered.
"Still, you're a frog", she replied. "Do you have anything you could use as collateral?"
"Well, I have this," said the frog, and pulled out a large, unusually shaped snow globe.
Patricia decided that the situation was above her pay grade, so she took the snow globe to show to her manager.
When he had heard the whole story, the manager laughed and said:

Spoiler: show
"It's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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Then the LORD said to me, "Go again, love a woman who is loved by her husband, yet an adulteress, even as the LORD loves the sons of Israel, though they turn to other gods and love raisin cakes."

Hosea 3:1
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby JamishT » Fri Jul 07, 2017 6:48 am

I came up with this one, and it's gotten the best reaction from my coworkers I test jokes on:

When you go to a zoo, seeing exotic animals is a given, right? Well, when you see a thin, gangly ape, that's a gibbon.
  • 11

JamishT was a heck of a guy,
With a devilish twinkle in his eye.
With his hand-picked flowers,
And his feel-good powers,
He made all the girls blush and sigh.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Deathclaw_Puncher » Mon Jul 24, 2017 12:14 am

A Jew in Moscow was awakened in the middle of the night by a loud knock on the door.
Who's there?"he asked.
"The postman!"came the reply.
The man got out of bed and opened the door and found two KGB agents.
"Are you Liebovitch?"
"Yes."
"And did you make an application to go to Israel?"
"I did."
"Don't you have enough food to eat here?"
"Yes, we do."
"Don't your children get a good Communist education?"
"Certainly."
"Then why do you want to leave Russia?"
"I don't like the post being delivered at three in the morning."
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Mon Sep 11, 2017 12:08 am

Here's a pun I just read yesterday about an otherwise rather dark scene: someone who exhibited minimal signs of consciousness and was, by all conventional tests, deemed to be in a persistent vegetative state, was shown under scans to have substantial brain activation in higher-level areas and seemed to follow simple commands (to imagine certain scenes or perform certain actions, for example).
Spoiler: show
Physicians and society are not ready for 'I have brain activation, therefore I am.' That would seriously put Descartes before the horse.
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Last edited by jbobsully11 on Sat Sep 16, 2017 6:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby iMURDAu » Mon Sep 11, 2017 1:54 pm

Why is Eminem the worst bartender?

Because you only get one shot....
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“This is going to become a bad meme,” Todd observed.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby tinyrick » Mon Sep 11, 2017 2:40 pm

iMURDAu wrote:Why is Eminem the worst bartender?

Because you only get one shot....


The bar food is just mom's spaghetti.
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YEEEEEEAAAHHHHH!!! Tiny Rick!
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Deathclaw_Puncher » Fri Sep 22, 2017 10:13 pm

Two first-grader girls were walking home from school, when one of them noticed the other looked upset. She asked her why.
"Well, I'm worried my dad will still be angry when I get home."
"Why would he be angry?"
"He was furious last night, yelling at my older sister. Something about finding a used contraceptive on the patio."
The first girl looked confused.
"What's a patio?"
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Deathclaw_Puncher » Sun Sep 24, 2017 11:03 pm

Nils Bohr, the founder of Quantum Physics, had a friend to dinner. As the friend left, he noticed a horseshoe nailed above Bohr’s front door. He said to Bohr, accusingly "Nils, you’re a great scientist. You can’t believe in superstitions." Bohr answered “I don’t, but apparently it works anyway.”
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Wed Nov 22, 2017 5:05 am

Did you hear about the race between two silkworms?
Spoiler: show
It ended in a tie.


Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?
Spoiler: show
He’d stop at nothing to avoid them.

inb4 “zero isn’t the same thing as nothing”


Edit to avoid a double post: more puns!
Why did the lawyer leave court with an empty coat hanger?
Spoiler: show
He’d lost the suit.


A farmer is outstanding in his field.

An archaeologist’s entire career lies in ruins.
  • 5

Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Mon Dec 11, 2017 7:09 pm

big, punny pictures below

Spoiler: show
Image

large butterfly is large
Image


Edit to avoid a triple post (seriously, where is everyone?):

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Would everyone like a drink?" The first logician says, "I don't know." The second logician says, "I don't know." The third logician says, "yes."
explanation
If the first logician didn't want a drink, he would've said "no," because he would know that not all of them want a drink. So he must want a drink, but he doesn't know about the other two, because they haven't said anything yet.

The second logician knows this, but he still doesn't know if the third logician wants a drink. If he (the second logician) didn't want a drink, he would've said "no," but instead he says, "I don't know," which tells us that he must also want a drink.

The third logician has figured all of this out, and he also knows that he wants a drink, so he is able to confidently say "yes," everyone would like a drink.
  • 5

Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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