Bad Stand-Up Corner

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Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby LaoWai » Fri May 03, 2013 10:36 pm

So, Wai has been bending my ear about having a place to share her brand of comedy. Therefore I've decided to set up a place for she and you to share original, probably horrible jokes. Feel free to add.

Wai: Ahem! A cannibal takes his girlfriend out to dinner. They order a drink or two, a light salad, and the waiter on a bed of his own organs. Throughout dinner, the first cannibal talks about gun control, reproductive rights, and homosexual marriage. His girlfriend remains silent throughout.

Halfway through the entree, the first cannibal rushes away from the table to the bathroom. Fifteen minutes later, he returns to the table and says, "I'm sorry. I suddenly felt a little sick." His girlfriend replies, "I guess he didn't agree with you either."
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Last edited by LaoWai on Mon May 06, 2013 6:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
It's always in the last place you look for it, unless you're the kind of person who keeps looking for it after you've found it.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby El Coyote » Sun May 05, 2013 2:44 am

  • 9

There once was a guy called Coyote
Whose voice was a dose of peyote
His smooth mellow tones
Caused such flutters and moans
That the chat got all rapt and emote-y
- OrangeEyebrows

The Second Part of the Western Epic by El Coyote and JamesT
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Typical Michael » Sun May 05, 2013 2:52 pm

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing and the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing." He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

wakka wakka wakka!

Edit: I can't claim that, I just really like long drawn out jokes that take up everyone's time and annoys everybody. My jokes are usually situational riffing, not something I can craft. I am not all that funny.
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"Typical... Michael... is a ddddddddddddddddddddashing individual!!! *BC punches self in face*" - ButtChocolate

"I'm like Batman, but instead of helping people I'm awful." - CleverDick

"In fairness, I was the one who brought up the goats." - JamesT
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Matthew Notch » Sun May 05, 2013 3:28 pm

Here's a joke I like telling in a group. My favorite thing is to tell jokes people have heard before.

"Duck walks into a bar. Goes up to the bartender, says, 'Got any eggs?' Bartender says, 'Got no eggs, duck, sorry.' Duck walks out the bar. Comes back in the bar ten minutes later and says, 'Hey barkeep, got any eggs?' Bartender says, 'You know, I think not ten minutes ago I said we ain't got any eggs, duck.' So the duck leaves, then ten minutes later comes on back in and says, 'Got any eggs?' Bartender says, 'Duck. No. We don't have any eggs. Please stop asking.' Duck waddles on out, then fifteen minutes later comes back and goes, 'Hey, got any eggs?' Bartender rubs his eyes a bit and says, 'Look. Duck. I appreciate you coming back again and again, but you're looking for a product I JUST DON'T CARRY. Now, you come in here asking for eggs again, I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor. Right?' The duck goes, 'Yikes!' and walks back out. Comes back five minutes later and says, 'Got any nails?' Bartender goes, 'YUP.' The duck goes, 'CRAP.'"

End of joke.
  • 20

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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Typical Michael » Sun May 05, 2013 3:36 pm

Ah Notch, mine goes a bit different. Similar set up, but its about a lemonade stand, a duck with a speech impediment, staples, and GWAPES.
  • 11

"Typical... Michael... is a ddddddddddddddddddddashing individual!!! *BC punches self in face*" - ButtChocolate

"I'm like Batman, but instead of helping people I'm awful." - CleverDick

"In fairness, I was the one who brought up the goats." - JamesT
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby LaoWai » Sun May 05, 2013 3:43 pm

I really wish I could view videos here. If that's a commenter doing real stand-up, I'd love to see it.

Wai: Confucius walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, we don't serve your type here." Confucius replies, "Well, I say!"
  • 6

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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Matthew Notch » Sun May 05, 2013 3:44 pm

I like it! Okay, and here's another ruined one.

"Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck in his pants. 'Aaar,' says the pirate. Walks over to the barkeep. 'Aaar,' says the pirate. Barkeep says, 'What'll it be, Mr. Pirate?' Pirate goes, 'Aaar, gimme a bottle o' rum.' (Because that's what Pirates drink, see.) Barkeep gives him a bottle of rum. 'Aaar,' says the pirate, and drinks his rum. The barkeep goes, 'Mr. Pirate, did you know you have a steering wheel stuck in your pants?' Pirate goes, 'Aaar, it's steering me balls!'"

Spoiler: show
For the uninitiated, the punchline is supposed to be, "It's drivin' me nuts!" See, because his nuts are in his pants, and the wheel, and anyway
  • 18

It's Dangerous to Go Alone


"I desperately want Jiggery Pokery now."-- Pikajew

"I do feel that if she happens to favour attractive, successful, intelligent men I will be at a disadvantage."--Anglerphobe

"I have a beautiful sphincter and Mexico is gonna pay for it."--Kate
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby VaughnJess » Mon May 06, 2013 11:55 am

One day, a pig was flying along and accidentally flew into another pig.
'I'm so sorry!' said the pig, 'I didn't see you there!'
'That's okay,' replied the other pig, 'My mother's a toaster!'
  • 5

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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Deathclaw_Puncher » Mon May 06, 2013 8:58 pm

An Irishman walked out of a bar.
  • 26

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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Cullenmcpimpin » Tue May 07, 2013 2:39 am

A man walks into a bar. He suffers a severe concussion.
  • 11

OrangeEyebrows wrote:Our forum-mate Cullenmcpimpin
Left the ladies all lovelorn and limpin'.
His formidable size
Left the rest of the guys
To weep at their annual wimp-in.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Doodle Dee. Snickers » Tue May 07, 2013 3:11 am

Ericthebearjew wrote:An Irishman walked out of a bar.


BULLSHIT
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Phighter » Wed May 08, 2013 12:53 am

Pinocchio walks into a bar. He orders a drink, but the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve wooden puppets here." Pinocchio responds, "That's okay, I'm a real boy." The bartender takes a good long look at Pinocchio, before saying, "Well in that case, you're too young to drink anyway. Besides, it'll rot your wood."

And my favorite walks into a bar joke of all time:

A man walks into a bar. He says, "Oww."
  • 2

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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby El Coyote » Wed May 08, 2013 2:24 am

This should be played after every joke in this thread.

  • 4

There once was a guy called Coyote
Whose voice was a dose of peyote
His smooth mellow tones
Caused such flutters and moans
That the chat got all rapt and emote-y
- OrangeEyebrows

The Second Part of the Western Epic by El Coyote and JamesT
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Qinglong » Wed May 08, 2013 2:29 am

This is hardly original, but...

What has four legs and an arm?

A happy pit bull.
  • 16

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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby TheWomprat » Wed May 08, 2013 3:13 am

An Asian penis.
  • 1

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