Bad Stand-Up Corner

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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby reallifegirl » Wed May 08, 2013 7:26 pm

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi all walk into a bar.

They were an upstanding example of interfaith cooperation.



Why did the blonde kill herself?

Because she suffered severe depression and wanted to end her life.



Why can't Michael J Fox draw a perfect circle?

Because no human being is capable of drawing a perfect circle.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Doodle Dee. Snickers » Wed May 08, 2013 7:27 pm

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Nullbert » Thu May 09, 2013 5:59 pm

How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Overlord Moo » Thu May 09, 2013 6:21 pm

Alright, here's one I like to tell at parties:

So, an [insert maligned group here] gets hid by a company to paint the little lines down the center of highways. The first day of work, he paints 75 miles of lines. The manager is very impressed. The second day, the worker paints 10 miles of lines. The manager is concerned, but is willing to let the worker's laziness slide. The third day, the worker only paints 2 miles. The manager is furious and calls the worker into his office.

The manager says, "You're fired! You know why, right?"

The worker says, "Yeah, I'd fire me too. It's just that I get so from away from &!$*# can!"
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6:54 Bert: Moo is so cool he wishes he could be someone else just so he could better understand what it is like to live in a world with Overlord Moo in it
9:46:06 PM GG If Moo goes oh my I know it means bad
<Strant> wig+wonderbra+Strant=Deeno
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Australia » Thu May 09, 2013 8:43 pm

Jesus, Superman and a censor walk into a mosque. [REDACTED]
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby D-LOGAN » Fri May 10, 2013 3:42 am

Ericthebearjew wrote:An Irishman walked out of a bar.


Yeah, well ....eh...shut up!
*There now, I showed him*
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Not just yet, I'm still tender from before.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Typical Michael » Fri May 10, 2013 3:43 am

Are we doing unjokes, really bad jokes, or jokes we have made up on our own? I think some rules need to be set. LW?
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby LaoWai » Fri May 10, 2013 4:19 am

Typical Michael wrote:Are we doing unjokes, really bad jokes, or jokes we have made up on our own? I think some rules need to be set. LW?

If I had to put up one guideline, it'd be to post jokes (original, altered, or ruined) that you expect to get a groan out of but secretly hope will also get a chuckle or two from someone out there.

Wai: Three friends are talking about alternative medicinal treatments. "It's great," the first friend says, "because unlike conventional medicine, it's not about pumping you full of chemicals. When I was having problems with asthma, my doctor recommended eating two fried pig's lungs per day. Sure enough, ten weeks later, I felt better."

"We go to the same doctor," the second friend pointed out. "When my blood pressure was high, he had me eat nothing but duck's blood soup for two months, and I was back in the safe range."

"Nonetheless," the third friend said, "I think I'll pay the extra money and see a conventional proctologist."
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Polydactyl » Fri May 10, 2013 1:23 pm

Two of my favorites:

Two atoms, completely smashed, are leaving a bar. "Oh no," says the first, "I think a lost an electron."
"Are you sure?" says the second.
"Course I'm sure. I'm positive!"

Descartes walks into a bar. "Will you have anything?" asks the barkeep. "I think not," says Descartes. He disappears.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Nullbert » Fri May 10, 2013 4:14 pm

What do you call a Scottish dentist?
Phil McCavity.

Why did the Mexican shoot his wife?
Tequila.

A man los his left arm and left leg.
He's all right now.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby RA2 » Sat May 11, 2013 12:55 am

Jesus comes home from a long day of miracle working to discover that house had been robbed! They took the jewelry, the food, even the furniture. So he calls the police, the policeman comes and asks, "What exactly did they steal?" And Jesus says, "Pretty much everything that wasn't nailed down."
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Overlord Moo » Sat May 11, 2013 1:03 am

Oh, you wanted bad jokes? Fine

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
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6:54 Bert: Moo is so cool he wishes he could be someone else just so he could better understand what it is like to live in a world with Overlord Moo in it
9:46:06 PM GG If Moo goes oh my I know it means bad
<Strant> wig+wonderbra+Strant=Deeno
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Australia » Sun May 12, 2013 10:21 am

What did one old 40s PI say to the other when he solved the case they were working on?

Noirnoirnoirnoirnoir.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby JeremyNicholas » Sun May 12, 2013 12:11 pm

I'd like to try my hand at all this terrible, terribly hilarious joke making:

A haggard younger woman, in the midst of breast feeding a newborn, trudges into a bar and collapses onto a stool.
The tender, although troubled, asks flippantly "What'll you have?"
She sighs, "Sex on the beach..." then adds, "It's been too long."
"About nine months too long," he jokes. Then, gesturing to the feeding newborn, he asks "and the kid?"
She replies, "Oh, he'll have a slippery nipple."

I'm actually ashamed.
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This is all too much trouble.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Nullbert » Sun May 12, 2013 12:59 pm

Stephen Hawking walks into a bar.
The barman shouts "it's a miracle."

...well, now I feel bad.
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