Bad Stand-Up Corner

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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Jack Road » Wed Aug 26, 2015 8:47 am

ghijkmnop wrote:
Jack Road wrote:One time my dad took me to the town he grew up in; Youngstown, Ohio. We had been driving around silently for awhile when we passed a cemetery. My dad said "I know something you don't know about this cemetery."

I figured he was going to tell me about some family member that was buried there, and asked him to tell me.

"The people that live in this town are not allowed to be buried here anymore."

"What?! Why?"

My dad turned to me solemnly "Because..." he said "They are still alive"


I'm surprised he didn't say that people were dying to get in there.


Don't worry, my sister was not in the car at the time, so he got to use that alternate punchline during the next car ride. When we passed the exact same cemetery. Which was on the opposite side of town from where we were driving. So I'm pretty sure he took a detour just so he could try the other punchline.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Nullbert » Fri Aug 28, 2015 9:24 pm

Apparently the world's head lice population has grown by 300% over the last year.

The reasons for this have left scientists scratching their heads.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby JamishT » Thu Oct 29, 2015 10:27 am

This is what my brain comes up with late at night as I try to fall asleep.


Where do racists take their dates?

Wetback Steakhouse
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Ladki96 » Wed Nov 25, 2015 8:03 am

A billionaire in his will left his fortune to an organization for the blind.

Siiigh hope you are happy JamishT

They never saw a penny of it
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby JamishT » Wed Nov 25, 2015 8:09 am

Hey thanks, Ladki! Now I don't have to double post (or edit my post, and get less thumbs).

What's another name for an anteater?

An uncle!


Why did the serving platter win an Oscar?

For its portrayal skills!



If female deer could grow antlers, would we then say that male deer grow unclers?


I'm here all night, folks!
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With his hand-picked flowers,
And his feel-good powers,
He made all the girls blush and sigh.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Australia » Mon Dec 28, 2015 2:38 am

I hate when people ask me where I see myself in five years. I mean, it's not like I have 2020 vision.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby JamishT » Mon Dec 28, 2015 4:29 am

Which house is never invited to parties?

The greenhouse, because of all its gasses!
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He made all the girls blush and sigh.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Matthew Notch » Mon Dec 28, 2015 6:16 am

What animal has more lives than a cat?

Thank you Sparrow, for this

The frog, because it croaks every night!

*eats the Laffy Taffy*
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby JamishT » Tue Jan 12, 2016 11:11 am

What do you call a newly homeless horse?

Destabilized.
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With his hand-picked flowers,
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He made all the girls blush and sigh.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Jack Road » Wed Jan 13, 2016 9:06 am

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Spoiler: show
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Tuli » Wed Jan 13, 2016 9:34 am

GODDAMN YOU, ROAD!





I was clicking that button like 20 times...
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Australia » Wed Jan 13, 2016 5:58 pm

Jack Road wrote:What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

A rerun from two years ago?

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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Jack Road » Thu Jan 14, 2016 9:43 am

Drat, I knew that joke had been done here before, but every time I searched for "rhetorical question" I got nothing back.

My bad, you guys.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Jack Road » Mon Mar 14, 2016 4:08 am

Two friends meet in the afterlife.

"How did you die?" asked one.

"I froze to death."

"Oh, that must have been awful!"

"Oh no, after a bit, I just got tired and took a nap, and now I'm here. How'd you die?"

"I had a heart attack."

"Oh no! did something bring it on?"

"Well yes, I thought my husband was cheating on me, so I came home from work early to try to catch him in the act. He was watching TV, but I didn't believe him, so I started ransacking the house. Searched all the bedrooms and the closets and the kitchen and the den. He kept following me and telling me how I never trusted him. I was yelling at him, I finally searched the garage, got to fighting with him, fell over dead from my heart giving out."

"Too bad you didn't check the freezer first, we might both have still been alive."
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby EstebanColberto » Sat Apr 16, 2016 1:50 am

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Abstinence, on the other hand...let's just say it requires that other hand.
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