Bad Stand-Up Corner

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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Delta Jim » Sat Sep 03, 2016 1:56 am

Two muffins are in an oven. One says “It’s getting hot in here”. The other one starts to reply but then it’s internal organs burst from the heat.
--
How do you confuse a blond?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
--
A kangaroo walks into a bar, which is a fairly common occurrence in Australia. Normal process is carried out of evacuating the premises and animal control is contacted to deal with the situation.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Matthew Notch » Mon Sep 05, 2016 7:56 pm

Guy is heading to bed, wife is already asleep. And he's conked out till about three, when he gets a call from Dr. Blahdeblah. Says his mother-in-law is at the hospital and they should probably get over there right away.

They meet up with the doctor and he says, "Well folks, she had a massive stroke."

"Oh God, oh God."

"Now I've got good and bad news for you."

"Let's start with the bad."

"Okay, well, she can't really move her arms with any amount of precision anymore, so you're going to have to spoon feed her every meal from now on."

"Aw Jesus."

"It gets worse: she is non-verbal, now, and can only make this noise: '*shrieks like an eagle*'"

"Dear God. Oh no."

"I know, right? And finally, she is going to be incontinent for the rest of her life, so you're going to need to keep her in a diaper and change her and wipe her backside now until the day she dies. Can you do that?"

"Oh Lord of mercy Jesus, Doctor. This is tragic. What's the good news?"

"Aw, I'm just shitting you buddy, she died."
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It's Dangerous to Go Alone


"I desperately want Jiggery Pokery now."-- Pikajew

"I do feel that if she happens to favour attractive, successful, intelligent men I will be at a disadvantage."--Anglerphobe

"I have a beautiful sphincter and Mexico is gonna pay for it."--Kate
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby iMURDAu » Mon Oct 24, 2016 2:10 pm

Bill Hicks had an early bit where he mentioned how he came across a prejudiced man in Arkansas.

The guy said "I hate Jews". I said "Why?". "Because they killed my God". He believed that. If I believed the Jews killed God I'd worship the Jews. Some badasses on that team. I haven't seen God ever, I see Jews all the time. You figure it out.
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"Our landfills are third world bling"
- Doug Stanhope
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Sat Nov 26, 2016 5:43 am

Here are some terrible math, number, and physics jokes, explained thoroughly for your viewing displeasure.

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Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Delta Jim » Mon Nov 28, 2016 5:24 am

jbobsully11 wrote:Here are some terrible math, number, and physics jokes, explained thoroughly for your viewing displeasure.


Since we're on the topic:

There are 10 types of people in this world:
Spoiler: show
- Those who understand binary.
- Those who don't.
-
Those who figured this would be in ternary.
-
Those who thought this would be in Quaternary.
-
Those who know what quinary is.
-
Dog-people
-
Cat-people
-
Those who are going to tell me that most of these aren't mutually exclusive.
-
Those who just want this fucking "joke" to end already!
-
Those who figured out a while ago that this was going to be in base-10.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby cmsellers » Wed Dec 21, 2016 6:43 am

Three men named Fred are debating gay marriage.

Fred Rogers says that everyone is special in their own way and deserves to be respected just the way they are.

Fred Phelps says God hates fags and gay marriage will make Him destroy the world.

Fred Astaire tap dances around the issue entirely.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Mon Dec 26, 2016 11:01 pm

What species of cat can jump higher than a five-story building?

Spoiler: show
All of them; five-story buildings can't jump.
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Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby gisambards » Mon Dec 26, 2016 11:45 pm

What do you call a dinosaur who is both a brilliant writer and an expert financier?
Spoiler: show
A Brontë Soros.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby cmsellers » Wed Jan 04, 2017 5:22 am

What did the sauerkraut say to the sausage?
You're the wurst!
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby cmsellers » Thu Jan 05, 2017 6:37 am

OK, this is more "bad" in the sense of "horribly offensive" than "unfunny," though some of you may find it unfunny as well.

What happened when the Muslim went to the comedy club?
He bombed.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby cmsellers » Sat Jan 07, 2017 9:41 pm

Another bad-as-in-offensive one:

How is a pedophile like a nightlight?
Kids turn both of them on.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Tue Feb 28, 2017 2:53 am

I witnessed an attempted murder earlier…
Spoiler: show
Luckily only one crow showed up.

Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?
Spoiler: show
They each got six months.

Why can't bicycles stand up on their own?
Spoiler: show
They're two tired.

What's grey and can't fly?
Spoiler: show
A parking lot.
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Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Piter Lauchy » Tue Mar 07, 2017 8:29 pm

What's white and disturbs a meal?
An avalanche.

This one works better in German.
  • 6

The Oatmeal wrote:Live life passionately and love everyone like they are family, because Jesus is always with you. Jesus loves you seriously bigtime. He'd hug you until your eyeballs exploded out of your skull if he ever met you. He'd windsurf across oceans of dead Nazis which he personally slaughtered just to tell you that your new haircut is the bee's knees. [...]
Praise Jesus, especially when it's sunny outside because Jesus would totally be cool with you praising while you get a nice tan.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Australia » Wed Mar 15, 2017 6:29 am

This joke I've been telling a lot of people since I heard it and I don't know if it really works written down since the punchline is very visual but here goes:

Three guys run into a genie. "Fuck me," one of them says.

"Is that your first wish?" The genie asks.

"No, no. I wish I had a billion dollars."

The genie hands him his bank balance, which now reads $1000000004.35. "And you. What is your first wish?"

The second guy says "Well, I wish I was the richest man in the world."

The genie grants his wish and offers the last man a wish. The third man thinks very carefully and finally says "I wish my left arm always rotated clockwise." The genie grants his wish.

"Okay, second wishes. I don't have all day."

"I wish I had the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I wish I was the most handsome man so I could get any woman in the world."

"I wish my right arm always rotated counter-clockwise."

"Third wishes. Shoot."

"I wish I had a bigger dick."

"I wish I had the biggest dick." His pants rip and the guys take a step away from him.

"I wish my head constantly rocked back and forth forever."

All their wishes are granted. A few years later, they meet up for a beer.

The first man says "I'm married to the hottest chick on the planet, have three beautiful children and have invested my money to become even richer."

The second man says "I've got everything I ever wanted. A mansion, a robot butler, I've bedded a woman in every country. I get happier every day."

The third man walks in, head rocking and arms spinning and says "Guys, I think I fucked up."
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YamI JamesT Eyebrows Edgar Logan Eric Michael Tess Sunny Notch Kate Jamish Lao Carp Moo FaceCitizen Aquila Nisi Qinglong LaChaise Nullbert NotCIAagent JackRoad Delta MURDA Bert MattCzar Ambi JulyJack Adric Marcuse SilverMaple Nudge 52xMax Damiana Doma Pumpkin Toy Fry Andro Carrie Snarky Royal RLG Pikajew Windy skooma Kleiner Java Sellers Piter Gisarmbards Grimstone Recluse Esteban Syrup Krashlia Twistappel MacReady Funkotron mcfooty Pseudoman Creepy Kivutar nerd Ladki Jim Youghurt satan GL
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Piter Lauchy » Wed Mar 15, 2017 8:16 pm

Australia wrote:
Spoiler: show
This joke I've been telling a lot of people since I heard it and I don't know if it really works written down since the punchline is very visual but here goes:

Three guys run into a genie. "Fuck me," one of them says.

"Is that your first wish?" The genie asks.

"No, no. I wish I had a billion dollars."

The genie hands him his bank balance, which now reads $1000000004.35. "And you. What is your first wish?"

The second guy says "Well, I wish I was the richest man in the world."

The genie grants his wish and offers the last man a wish. The third man thinks very carefully and finally says "I wish my left arm always rotated clockwise." The genie grants his wish.

"Okay, second wishes. I don't have all day."

"I wish I had the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I wish I was the most handsome man so I could get any woman in the world."

"I wish my right arm always rotated counter-clockwise."

"Third wishes. Shoot."

"I wish I had a bigger dick."

"I wish I had the biggest dick." His pants rip and the guys take a step away from him.

"I wish my head constantly rocked back and forth forever."

All their wishes are granted. A few years later, they meet up for a beer.

The first man says "I'm married to the hottest chick on the planet, have three beautiful children and have invested my money to become even richer."

The second man says "I've got everything I ever wanted. A mansion, a robot butler, I've bedded a woman in every country. I get happier every day."

The third man walks in, head rocking and arms spinning and says "Guys, I think I fucked up."

This is actually my favourite joke ever and you haven't seen anything until you've seen my sister's boyfriend tell it.
  • 5

The Oatmeal wrote:Live life passionately and love everyone like they are family, because Jesus is always with you. Jesus loves you seriously bigtime. He'd hug you until your eyeballs exploded out of your skull if he ever met you. He'd windsurf across oceans of dead Nazis which he personally slaughtered just to tell you that your new haircut is the bee's knees. [...]
Praise Jesus, especially when it's sunny outside because Jesus would totally be cool with you praising while you get a nice tan.
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