Bad Stand-Up Corner

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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Matthew Notch » Mon Apr 25, 2016 4:04 am

My forklift driver at the main plant often has just awful jokes. They're known as Hartley specials around the plant. Apparently he looks them up on jokes.com. Since my coworker sawed his fingers off with a table saw, I guess Hartley went home and looked up "workplace injury jokes". Here's one:

Morty the dumb chap is working at a lumberyard. He brings the saw back, he chops some wood, brings the saw back, chops some wood, brings the saw back, brings it a little too far and cuts off his ear. So he's diggin around in the sawdust trying to find it, and his supervisor comes up. "Hell you doing, Morty?" And he says, "Well you know, I cut off my ear boss, and now I'm trying to find it." So his boss looks down and picks up an ear and goes, "This it?" And Morty says, "Naw, I had a pencil behind mine."

The best part is when Hartley is like, "Did you get it?! Because people sometimes used to hold pencils behind their ear? Eh? Eh?" You can't help but laugh.

Bonus: What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby FaceTheCitizen » Fri May 13, 2016 5:52 pm

...
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby cmsellers » Fri May 13, 2016 8:57 pm

In Semantics, we were talking about the +PROG feature. Earlier in the class the professor had mentioned that he used to speak Czech.

Naturally, I had to ask: "does Czech have a +PRAGUE feature?"
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby cmsellers » Mon May 23, 2016 8:00 pm

Why was Vladimir I. Ulyanov in Petrograd during the October Revolution?
answer
He was Lenin a hand.


Why did Joseph V. Jughashvili make peace with the Nazis in 1939?
answer
He was Stalin for time.


Why was Operation Barbarossa so successful?
you already know the answer
Stalin did Nazi it coming.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby iMURDAu » Fri Jun 17, 2016 2:25 pm

Read the following in Mitch Hedburg's voice:

I've often heard that love spelled backwards is evil. But that's wrong. Live spelled backwards is evil.
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“This is going to become a bad meme,” Todd observed.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby blehblah » Sat Jun 18, 2016 7:23 pm

I just filled-up the hummingbird feeder that we leave hanging in the backyard.

As I'm boiling the water and mixing-in the sugar, I'm wondering, "What would a hummingbird equivalent of Whole Foods be?"

Surely these little paranoid (they must be paranoid, I mean, lookit them - they are sketchy) flyers can't sustain themselves with one white sugar mixed mixed to four parts water.

Are we killing these little birds? Are we murdering them hard with out kindness? Is this like leaving Cheetos out for chipmunks, next to the laxatives and mints?

Sure, hummingbird food has the primary ingredient, but if hummingbirds can survive on sugar-water and nothing else, we need need to find-out how they do it.

Imagine the cross-species possibilities.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Krashlia » Thu Jul 07, 2016 2:12 am

So an Imam, a liberal, a moderate, an apologist, and a radical walk into a bar...
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Matthew Notch » Fri Aug 19, 2016 11:44 pm

I just heard the greatest joke of all time, via the great Norm Macdonald.

Spoiler: show
"A moth goes into a podiatrist's office. And the podiatrist's office says, 'What's the problem?' And the moth says, 'What's the problem? Where do I begin, man? I... I go to work for Gregory Illinovich, and all day long I work. Honestly Doc, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I don't even know if Gregory Illinovich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don't know... I wake up in a malaise. And I walk here and there.' The podiatrist goes, 'Oh yeah?' And the moth goes, 'Yes. At night I sometimes wake up and turn to some old lady in my bed that's on my arm... a lady that I once loved, Doc. I don't know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexaundria, she fell in the cold of last year. The cold took her down as it did many of us. And my other boy (and this is the hardest pill to swallow, Doc), my other boy, Gregaro Ivinolitidavitch, I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say it, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only the cowardice was stronger! Then perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me, and end this hellish facade once and for all.' He says, 'Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider even though I'm a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with everlasting fire underneath me. I'm not feeling good.' The doctor goes, 'Moth, man, you are trouble. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on Earth did you come here?' And the moth goes, 'Because the light was on.'"


Also, here, for gits and shiggles, is his roast of the Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget. Seems apropos for this thread.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/661a77 ... 73fa5d8660
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"I desperately want Jiggery Pokery now."-- Pikajew

"I do feel that if she happens to favour attractive, successful, intelligent men I will be at a disadvantage."--Anglerphobe

"I have a beautiful sphincter and Mexico is gonna pay for it."--Kate
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Australia » Tue Aug 23, 2016 7:00 pm

I'm not sure I made the best impression at work tonight. It was my first shift at the store and a guy asked if I wanted to hear a dirty joke.

Him: What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a baby?
Me: Your mother only did a bag of cocaine once?
Image

That was a hell of an awkward silence. (The actual punchline was Eric Clapton would never drop a bag of cocaine out the window. Cutting edge humour). I may be spending too much time here.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Grimstone » Tue Aug 23, 2016 7:35 pm

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"The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart."
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby blehblah » Wed Aug 24, 2016 2:04 am

Krashlia wrote:So an Imam, a liberal, a moderate, an apologist, and a radical walk into a bar...


... in Canada.

They are all really, really, sorry.

Except the apologist; he's a closet anarchist.

EDIT: Notch, Notch, Notch... Norm is a guy who could read the, ahhh, phone-thingy, there, the paper one, and, ahhhh, and it would be, what the kids call, ahhh, hilarious.

There are few 'funny guys' I follow, but Norm is one. He could quite possibly be - if such a thing is possible - too funny for his own good. It is probably a chore for him to order a pizza.

He was Letterman's last guest stand-up for a reason.

Really - he is one of the greats. That you called him out earns you a high-five in my book.

*slobbers on paper*

Sheee, itsh lick datch!
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Krashlia » Wed Aug 24, 2016 4:44 am

Matthew Notch wrote:I just heard the greatest joke of all time, via the great Norm Macdonald.

Spoiler: show
, 'Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider even though I'm a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with everlasting fire underneath me. '"



...Huh... I think I got that reference...
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby EstebanColberto » Wed Aug 24, 2016 11:24 am

Image

Judging by this .gif, Asians make bad drivers.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby blehblah » Thu Aug 25, 2016 3:40 am

EstebanColberto wrote:
Judging by this .gif, Asians make bad drivers.


Is she aiming at Trump Stump Tower?
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Matthew Notch » Fri Aug 26, 2016 5:38 am

blehblah wrote:
EDIT: Notch, Notch, Notch... Norm is a guy who could read the, ahhh, phone-thingy, there, the paper one, and, ahhhh, and it would be, what the kids call, ahhh, hilarious.

There are few 'funny guys' I follow, but Norm is one. He could quite possibly be - if such a thing is possible - too funny for his own good. It is probably a chore for him to order a pizza.


If you haven't already seen it, then, you would probably get a major kick out of this article.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/graphics ... macdonald/

I cannot begin to tell you how joyous it was to read through his text conversations with the reporter. Also, since I'm thinking about it:

Roses are grey
Violets are grey
Everything is grey
Because I am a dog
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It's Dangerous to Go Alone


"I desperately want Jiggery Pokery now."-- Pikajew

"I do feel that if she happens to favour attractive, successful, intelligent men I will be at a disadvantage."--Anglerphobe

"I have a beautiful sphincter and Mexico is gonna pay for it."--Kate
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