Bad Stand-Up Corner

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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Nullbert » Fri Jan 19, 2018 12:27 pm

A man goes to see his doctor.

Doctor: Well, your test results are back from the lab. I've got bad news and very bad news.
Man: I'll have the bad news first, doc.
Doctor: Well, I'm afraid you only have twenty-four hours to live.
Man: Oh my god! What's the very bad news then?
Doctor: I've been trying to get hold of you since yesterday.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Australia » Fri Jan 19, 2018 7:05 pm

Not to dissect a joke but isn't dying more of a very bad news than a matter of hours? Or is the doctor just a selfish dick who's annoyed he had to spend so long calling someone who's just gonna die anyway? Or have I had too much to drink tonight and am focusing on the wrong cantaloupe?
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Fri Jan 19, 2018 7:15 pm

Australia wrote:Not to dissect a joke but isn't dying more of a very bad news than a matter of hours? Or is the doctor just a selfish dick who's annoyed he had to spend so long calling someone who's just gonna die anyway? Or have I had too much to drink tonight and am focusing on the wrong cantaloupe?

I think it's the last one. Dying in, say, six months would be bad; dying in about three (...2 ...1) seems worse to me.

And anyway, how would the joke work the other way? "You're going to die RIGHT NOW, and what's worse is holy shit, you're going to die at some point (more so than the rest of humanity)?"
  • 0

Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby Australia » Fri Jan 19, 2018 7:27 pm

Just move one word. "The very bad news is you have 24 hours to live, the bad news is I've been trying to get a hold of you since yesterday and the good news is my malpractice insurance is paid in full."
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Tue Jan 23, 2018 8:22 pm

There are two kinds of people in the world; those who can extrapolate from incomplete data,
  • 7

Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby cmsellers » Fri Jan 26, 2018 4:21 am

What's a Nazi's favorite movie franchise?
The Fashed and the Führer-ious
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby LaoWai » Wed Feb 07, 2018 8:16 am

When medical science wasn't quite as well-developed, doctors couldn't always be sure whether a man was dead or merely comatose, so they'd lightly scratch a man's scrotum with their fingernails. If the patient got an erection, they'd know he was still alive, and that's why we call them test-tickles, children.
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It's always in the last place you look for it, unless you're the kind of person who keeps looking for it after you've found it.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby random_nerd » Fri Mar 23, 2018 5:42 am

How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
No need to, there are still five more.
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You just started to
Read the Haiku that you have
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby iMURDAu » Sat Apr 07, 2018 8:27 pm

Yesterday my wife and I were out driving and I noticed a house had been torn down so I mentioned it to her. She tells me "Yeah that's where those people were giving me dirty looks because I was bumping DMX. It's not my fault their house was in front of a stoplight. *pause* And now it's fucking gone."

It was the tone of that last sentence that reminded me I should never ask her to turn any volume down.
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"Our landfills are third world bling"
- Doug Stanhope
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Fri May 18, 2018 12:13 am

A man swapped his bed with a trampoline. His wife hit the roof.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’m going to serve you a drink named after you.” The grasshopper looks at him and says, “You have a drink named Steve?”
  • 5

Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby cmsellers » Mon May 21, 2018 12:54 am

Why did the woke cop refuse to shoot the unarmed black man?
Answer
He didn't believe in gendarme roles.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Sun Jun 17, 2018 11:12 pm

My dad just asked his phone for a joke, and it came up with this gem:

A sporting goods store had a sale on canoes. It was quite an oar-deal.
  • 4

Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby cmsellers » Sat Jul 14, 2018 11:56 pm

What does the australopithecine fratboy say after saying something unusually erudite?
Answer
No Homo.
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby jbobsully11 » Tue Jul 17, 2018 5:56 am

Genie: I’ll grant you three wishes.

Man: I’ve heard of this before. Whatever I wish for will come back to bite me in some way.

Genie: I guarantee that won’t happen. In fact, I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Man: I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
  • 6

Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Bad Stand-Up Corner

Postby iMURDAu » Wed Aug 01, 2018 10:22 am

Didja hear that President Trump is overseeing the creation of a national lottery that will have much higher jackpots than state based lotteries?

It's going to be called...




MAGA Millions.
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