by JamishT » Mon Jul 01, 2013 8:50 pm
It was a dark and stormy night, and there was a noise coming from my backyard. I took my trusty Maglite (the kind that takes 4 C batteries) to check it out. All I was wearing was a pair of worn kangaroo leather boots, Joe Boxer smiley boxers, and an UCLA hoodie. My weapon was an M16 replica that shot 5 BB's per second. Lightning flashed, illuminating the intruder; a pig. A giant black and white splotted pig stood in the corner of my yard, rooting up my...um...tomato plants. Supercharged by my recent consumption of a Red Bull and several large candy bars (all made by Hershey's, because Mars can just suck it), I ran toward the animal, BB's spraying like bullets in a Quentin Tarantino flick. It raised its dirt encrusted snout just in time to see my Maglite arc down in an unstoppable trajectory toward its skull. Well, I thought it was an unstoppable trajectory.
It turned into me, flopping me to the ground like a stalk of wheat in front of a crop-circle-producing two-by-four. It bit my shin, shattering it, and I kicked in the side in retaliation. It staggered to the side, I tried to rise, but was knocked back down by a roundsnout to the face. Time slowed. I could feel each of my heart's beats. I could see the crazed twinkle in the pigs eyes flashing like a JJ Abrams orgasm. I saw his mouth open as he went for my neck. I then saw my Maglite enter his mouth and my arm, seemingly of it's own accord, shove the flashlight deep into it's esophagus. It tried to wrench away, but it simply drug me around the yard. I was holding on by a thread (or possibly a vein), when I spied my salvation.
A shard of my shin lay on the ground, and it looked sharp. I grabbed it with my free hand and plunged the piece of bone in the boar's neck. Being that my free hand was my left hand, my aim was off, but in a different way then you might think. The shard did indeed make a large notch in his jugular, but it also hit my flashlight. Through my hand. The pig staggered a few more feet, and collapsed next to my tool shed. I tried to remove my hand, but it was wedged tightly in the esophagus and anchored by my shin shard. I pulled the bone piece out and wriggled free. I limped inside through the downpour that had started just as the hog had collapsed. I bandaged my wounds as best I could. I opened my web browser and went straight to Google. After about 20 minutes, I knew what I had to do.
I butchered that pig that night, by myself, using a Sawzall, a hunting knife, and a Swiss Army knife. With more internet research and some ingenuity, the origins of which I still don't know, I seasoned, smoked, and sliced that pork right up. My first date with my wife was over a plate of pork loin. Our first child was conceived with the help of what I've patented as LardLube. This past Mother's day, I used the last of the bacon from that pig (don't worry, it was in the deep freezer). All my wealth comes from that night, that's the reason I call my company ShinShard Pork Products.
And that is why they call me Bacon Sam.
JamishT was a heck of a guy,
With a devilish twinkle in his eye.
With his hand-picked flowers,
And his feel-good powers,
He made all the girls blush and sigh.