Bert wrote:The best part of my job is fistfighting an 8 year old every day.
Bert wrote:The best part of my job is fistfighting an 8 year old every day.
BR's Secret Santa wrote:It started with a simple request from the EPA. Normally, the EPA wasn't in the business of activism as much as it was regulation, but this was a special case. How often do you get a chance to write to Santa? Once a year. That wasn't a very difficult question.
Mixed in among the piles of lists and crayon drawings was a crisp white letter with the official EPA letterhead, kindly requesting that Santa think of the environment and find an alternative for coal. "So, does this one go in the naughty or nice column?" Belinda, his secretary, looked more harried than ever; but then, she would. Christmas Eve was only two nights away and as always, they were behind in the shipping department.
"Well, it was very polite," Santa conceded. "And, environmental conscientiousness is always a good thing. But telling Santa how to run his business?"
"It is rather presumptuous." Belinda flicked a long, pointy ear towards the naughty pile. "So..."
"Well, I have been meaning to go green. And this would solve that one problem we have."
"We have niney-nine problems, sir."
"Yes, and a...oh dear. Ho ho ho, I almost had to put myself on the naughty list! Anyway, I mean the problem with the barn." The blood drained from Belinda's face.
"You mean...you can't possibly mean...couldn't we just use reindeer poop?"
"If we'd had more notice, maybe, but there isn't enough fiber in the world to get the kind of output we'd need for this year's naughty list. Yes, this will be the perfect solution." And so, ten very brave elves were dispatched to the barn to trap the hordes of spiders that had taken up in the rafters.
* * *
On Christmas morning, a particularly affable brown recluse cuddled up in the toe of a very passive-aggressive EPA employee's Christmas stocking. It was much nicer than the barn had been; it was warm here, and dark, and there were no reindeer prancing around with deathly reindeer emissions. All was peaceful and this seemed as good a home as any.
Suddenly, a greedy hand violated the sanctity of his new home. With a startled jump, the spider raced up the hand, desperately searching for a way out. A scream pierced the air and still the spider scrambled, leaping off of a particularly panicked human face and scurrying across the mantel. "DIE! DIE! DIE!" the human screamed, hurling things at him, but the spider had picked up a few tricks from spending its life up to that point in Santa Clause's barn. With a twinkle, it flew into the air, deftly dodging the projectiles that were coming its way.
"How rude!" He thought, making his way up the stairs. He scrambled under the bed and took refuge from the harsh light of day in a cloud of dust bunnies. Well, new roommates weren't easy for anyone, he guessed. Santa must have had a very good reason for them to become friends, though, so no matter how many nights of cuddling against this man's face it took, the spider was determined to prove how friendly he really was.
***
Nearly a year later, Santa was once more pouring through his last-minute letters. On the very top of the pile was a letter from the president of PETA, concerned about the treatment that the deadly spiders had received the year before. "I guess this year we're just going to have to go with the reindeer poop," he sighed.
Tesseracts wrote:In this age of falsehoods and lies, it's comforting to know some people are genuinely idiots.
Tesseracts wrote:In this age of falsehoods and lies, it's comforting to know some people are genuinely idiots.
Revolving Royal wrote:I got this incredible unicorn picture. Fantastic and festive.
Thank you and Merry Christmas!
Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 5 guests