Sing, O muse, of Paris son of Priam,
That curly-haired youth beloved of Aphrodite.
And of his brother, glorious Hector,
Who, clad in gleaming bronze, prepared for his duel with Achilles
And strode, brave and terrible, to bid farewell to his brother
But reeled back in puzzlement on finding his chamber bare
And left in his place only a scrawled note:
"Hey listen bro sorry about starting this whole war thing but I've heard there's someone out there even more beautiful than Helen so I'm kinda going to pursue that, k. Can you break the news to Helen and dad? Also you should probably skip town yourself- I heard Achilles is gunning for you and that guy is craaaazay! Gtg. Kisses- Paris."
*
[Ext. Verona. Enter Juliet.]
Juliet- At last my noble lord and I shall deny our parents' wishes and be wed. Mayhaps in the little chapel of San Vegas I espy.
[Enter Friar Lawrence bearing a letter]
Juliet- Good Friar! What news of Romeo?
Fr. Lawrence- Erm...
Juliet- What is that letter you bear as if it weighed all the world? I should read it if I may...Ok, what the hell does he mean "found someone else."
*
A gentle wind stirred the desert sand. The old man opened his eyes, deep-set in his weather-beaten face. He squinted at the figure silhouetted against the setting sun.
"Smouldering Hollywood hunk Ryan Gosling! Shouldn't you be busy filming your new role in the Notebook?
"Yes. But I sensed there was another, even greater romance awaiting me. I understand you are wise. I hoped you could guide me."
The old man smiled. "I know the one you seek."
*
"The old man spoke true! Behold the lady of the Orange Eyebrows."
"Um...hello Ryan Gosling. And your weird cosplay friends."
"I know not of this cosplay, my lady, we have travelled through time itself to find love. Now I've got these golden apples."
"Shut up Paris."
"Hey I know a guy called Paris."
"You too Romeo. You see we have all traveled a great distance with only our dreams and our washboard abs to sustain us. For we had heard tales of one whose beauty and intelligence makes the very sun pale in the heavens."
"Oookay."
"So we were wondering..."
"Yes?"
"Could you introduce us to Kate85?"
"Get off my property."
(Seriously though give it to Notch because that was just beautiful man.)