Spoiler: show
’Twas the night before Christmas, and at Sully's address,
He sat at his computer, reading TCS.
"I'm sleepy," he said, shutting down his PC,
"That's enough online entertainment for me."
J-Bob turned off the lights, getting ready for bed,
When he heard a loud crash, just mere feet from his head.
"What was that noise? Oh, cricket! Oh, Jiminy!"
He exclaimed in response to the noise from the chimney.
Then Sully laid eyes on two boots that were dirty
And said, "I'm too old for this shit and I'm not even thirty."
He pointed a gun at his home's fireplace,
Ready to waste any burglar that dared show his face.
"Your night of housebreaking's about to get sucky
Go ahead, make my day, punk. Or do you feel lucky?"
As the crook emerged with his bag full of loot,
He pleaded for mercy, and said, "Please don't shoot!
There's a misunderstanding- it's not as you feared;
I'm actually Santa! Just look at my beard!"
And yes, it was true (thieves tend not to wear red)
Good thing jbobsully had not shot him dead!
As Santa Claus brushed all the soot from his suit,
jbobsully asked him why he'd come in through that route.
"It's tradition, my boy," Santa said with a grin,
"And air conditioners are a much worse way in.
Now, I can't really tell if you're rich or a peasant,
But it matters not- every boy gets a present!"
So Santa reached into his big bag of luggage
And continued to smile as he started to rummage.
"This is great," thought our Sully as he looked on with glee,
"I might get an Xbox or Nintendo for free!
I'd even be happy with the Greatest Hits of Donovan."
(He doesn't ask for much, our good hero Jonathan).
Then Santa said, "J, in light of your mercy
And of where you live, here, take this new jersey."
And so he produced at the end of his search
Some highly-priced official NFL merch.
J-Bob took the shirt, in his exact size,
But there was disappointment behind his eyes.
"Thanks, but I'm no sports fan- I care not for those skills
And besides, who the hell are the Buffalo Bills?"
Santa said, "Never mind: it means nothing, that's right, bub
Now here comes a plot twist that's worthy of Fight Club.
It's such a surprise that I've got an erection;
I'm really a symbol for The Comment Section.
I'm their collective zeitgeist; I'm not really Santa,
And our real gift to you is one more year of banter.
You've warmed all our hearts with your job tales and chat,
And Christmas is the best time to admit that.
Our love just keeps going, like those of us with a car
Or what would happen if we zoomed in on your avatar.
Your moderation brings a sense of decorum,
Charisma and wit to our small humble forum.
I know it sounds mawkish, but for once, it is true,
There's no greater present than you being you.
Your fans are worldwide, from Tokyo to Devon,
And all of us love you, jbobsully11."