Top Secret Santa 2018

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Re: Top Secret Santa 2018

Postby jbobsully11 » Thu Dec 27, 2018 12:48 pm

I got a poem in the style of “ ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” that makes the gift I gave seem extremely crappy (as opposed to a regular amount of crappy). Thanks, whoever you are!

Spoiler: show
’Twas the night before Christmas, and at Sully's address,
He sat at his computer, reading TCS.
"I'm sleepy," he said, shutting down his PC,
"That's enough online entertainment for me."
J-Bob turned off the lights, getting ready for bed,
When he heard a loud crash, just mere feet from his head.
"What was that noise? Oh, cricket! Oh, Jiminy!"
He exclaimed in response to the noise from the chimney.
Then Sully laid eyes on two boots that were dirty
And said, "I'm too old for this shit and I'm not even thirty."
He pointed a gun at his home's fireplace,
Ready to waste any burglar that dared show his face.
"Your night of housebreaking's about to get sucky
Go ahead, make my day, punk. Or do you feel lucky?"
As the crook emerged with his bag full of loot,
He pleaded for mercy, and said, "Please don't shoot!
There's a misunderstanding- it's not as you feared;
I'm actually Santa! Just look at my beard!"
And yes, it was true (thieves tend not to wear red)
Good thing jbobsully had not shot him dead!

As Santa Claus brushed all the soot from his suit,
jbobsully asked him why he'd come in through that route.
"It's tradition, my boy," Santa said with a grin,
"And air conditioners are a much worse way in.
Now, I can't really tell if you're rich or a peasant,
But it matters not- every boy gets a present!"
So Santa reached into his big bag of luggage
And continued to smile as he started to rummage.
"This is great," thought our Sully as he looked on with glee,
"I might get an Xbox or Nintendo for free!
I'd even be happy with the Greatest Hits of Donovan."
(He doesn't ask for much, our good hero Jonathan).
Then Santa said, "J, in light of your mercy
And of where you live, here, take this new jersey."
And so he produced at the end of his search
Some highly-priced official NFL merch.
J-Bob took the shirt, in his exact size,
But there was disappointment behind his eyes.
"Thanks, but I'm no sports fan- I care not for those skills
And besides, who the hell are the Buffalo Bills?"

Santa said, "Never mind: it means nothing, that's right, bub
Now here comes a plot twist that's worthy of Fight Club.
It's such a surprise that I've got an erection;
I'm really a symbol for The Comment Section.
I'm their collective zeitgeist; I'm not really Santa,
And our real gift to you is one more year of banter.
You've warmed all our hearts with your job tales and chat,
And Christmas is the best time to admit that.
Our love just keeps going, like those of us with a car
Or what would happen if we zoomed in on your avatar.
Your moderation brings a sense of decorum,
Charisma and wit to our small humble forum.
I know it sounds mawkish, but for once, it is true,
There's no greater present than you being you.
Your fans are worldwide, from Tokyo to Devon,
And all of us love you, jbobsully11."
  • 8

Crimson847 wrote:In other words, transgender-friendly privacy laws don't molest people, people molest people.

(Presumably, the only way to stop a bad guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law is a good guy with a transgender-friendly privacy law, and thus transgender-friendly privacy law rights need to be enshrined in the Constitution as well)
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Re: Top Secret Santa 2018

Postby SlayerGoddess » Thu Dec 27, 2018 10:12 pm

slayergoddessdrawingomgsocute.png (29.65 KiB) Viewed 2260 times


If I had tried drawing a person, to say it wouldn't look good would be an understatement.

It's me with the slayer scythe! I look so cute! Nobody has ever done a cartoon drawing of me before!

  • 9

I survived watching "50 Shades of Grey" for TCS Movie Night


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Re: Top Secret Santa 2018

Postby iMURDAu » Fri Dec 28, 2018 12:12 am

I started watching my video message at work and then of course "Doug to register 3".

I got 13 seconds in and I do plan on watching the rest.

Of course it makes my gift seem like a last second shiteball soup scoop.
  • 6

“This is going to become a bad meme,” Todd observed.
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Re: Top Secret Santa 2018

Postby Australia » Fri Dec 28, 2018 1:16 am

The good news is I have the first clue to finding the (or at least one of the) suspects that postponed Christmas. (Postponing Christmas sounds like a Hallmark movie).

The bad news is the gift is actually good (unlike my IRLSS who got me a Smokey and the Bandit DVD I already own with the bargain bin sticker still on it) so I guess we have to let them off with a warning once the PI we hire exposes them.

Secret Santa wrote:(to the tune of "Oh Christmas Tree")
Australia Australia,
your face is always changing
Australia Australia,
your face is always changing
Your country is so far away,
from the reindeer and Santa's sleigh
A fuel surcharge will apply,
starting the next year ending in 9
Australia Australia,
tell me the good, bad and ugly
Australia Australia,
your name implies you're skilled at rugby
This gift just seems like it is late
Sorry it takes so long to master


My first attempt was to merge half the White House Christmas Tree with the face of the guy from Georgia who was a Walmart Santa and they just found out he murdered his kids and buried them in his backyard Elwyn Crocker, that's his name. Oh yeah Merry Christmas again. Belatedly n'all.

Thanks. And Merry Day After Boxing Day, everyone.
  • 6

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Re: Top Secret Santa 2018

Postby iMURDAu » Fri Dec 28, 2018 3:36 am

This is really fantastic!

For the record it's Cutter brand insect repellent but they won't pay up so they didn't get a mention in the video. Obviously someone knows what's up.

Spoiler: show
Murda tried refreshing to no avail. Oh, well. There was nothing tying him to this mess. He exited the site.

Totally what I was thinking too.
  • 4

“This is going to become a bad meme,” Todd observed.
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