The Irony Chef (HW)

Yelp Review

1 Star - It killed my husband
1
10%
2 Stars - It killed my husband but I was going to leave him for the neighbour anyway
2
20%
3 Stars - Nobody died but even the dog wouldn't touch the leftovers. Suffered third degree burns from putting metal in the microwave but this episode didn't involve a microwave so I guess that's on me.
1
10%
4 Stars - Reminded me of someone but I don't know who. Mildly frustrating.
1
10%
5 Stars - Really captured the essence of who that person is. Finally, an alternative to cannibalism.
5
50%
 
Total votes : 10

The Irony Chef (HW)

Postby Australia » Sun Aug 19, 2018 4:49 pm

Welcome back to the show. Continuing my series of people dishes, not to be confused with my People Dishes I did in season four, which had me locked up for several years for “Sweeny-like behaviour”, whatever that means, I’ll be focusing this week on Deathclaw Puncher.

Now to really get the essence of what makes up DP, you’ll need to go to some shadier shops than you would for your Pitts and your Jordans. So avoid your reputable supermarkets and try dumpster diving behind that deli that’s been shut down for health violations multiple times. Today, we’ll be working on Deathclaw Quiche. Not to be served at parties unless your guests consist of people you hated in high school and feral cats you also hated in high school. If done al dente, the dish should be immediately comparable to what makes up Deathclaw as a person, in the case of this recipe, well, it’s like that oft-repeated Riddle of the Sphinx. You know the one.

“What’s creepier than a dozen episodes of Welcome to Night Vale put into a blender with crabs, Bert’s mum and snake venom?”
Waking up next to Deathclaw Puncher. I didn’t even let her in the house.

Now of course we can’t put intangible objects, human remains or literal poison into our dishes, at least according to the contract for the reboot of this show, so we’ll have to do our best with what we have.*

*Consuming may still result in death, but so could anything you do. What are you, chicken? Because if you are, we are allowed to cook you so put that in your will.

Ingredients
Mouldy cheese
Sour milk that’s been left in the sun for three and a half days and has those chunks in it that usually puts you off eating your cereal
Miscellaneous meat scraps you find stuck to the bottom of your bin. They must have fallen behind the garbage bag. Weird how that happens no matter how tight it’s strapped to the bin
I’d usually say the secret ingredient is love but this is Deathclaw Puncher we’re talking about so the secret ingredient is sand. Because I hate her more than Anakin hates sand. Preferably dry so it works as a nice crisp crust.
Rust scraped from the under-carriage of your old Corolla
Eggs

Recipe
Grease the bottom and sides of your tray with urine. If you can’t go, just ask a guest or pay a homeless person with a slice you prepared earlier.

Knead the sand into the tray. It should stick as well, if not better than breadcrumbs.

Fry the eggs and eat them. There’s no need for you to taste the essence of Deathclaw Puncher. Nobody wants that.

Fish the eggshells out of the bin, say “10 second rule” to yourself and toss them in a mixing bowl. Trim your fingernails over the bowl. Add the milk, meat and rust and I’m pretty sure quiches are supposed to have cream in them but I forgot to mention that earlier so just start playing White Room in the background. I’m sure there are other Cream songs, I just can’t think of any off the top of my head.

Whisk if you have one. I don’t so I just punched the inside of the bowl until my knuckles bled. Wasn’t even the right bowl.

Pour ingredients into the pan and coat it with cheese before putting it in the oven. Oh, pre-heat your oven by the way. I almost forgot.

When you smell smoke, remove the meal and presto! You have your very own Deathclaw Quiche. Well done. Sorry, that was patronising. Fuck you. Better?

Serves 6.

My producer has a big night at his paying job tomorrow but barring any call-ins, a new episode should be up Tuesday so stay tuned and as always…

*holds mic out to audience for them to say the catchphrase, unaware that the new format is typed away from people because of the incident that happened in the last incarnation of The Irony Chef. Also, I’m a stenographer, not a producer. And I’m not a stenographer, I’m a shelf-stacker but he has my kids. Please send help.*

A Hate Week service announcement followed me home the other day. I paid it never mind. Go away.
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Re: The Irony Chef (HW)

Postby Deathclaw_Puncher » Sun Aug 19, 2018 6:08 pm

Oh yeah, well you're an ice cream made with bleu cheese, root beer, and pineapple, so there! Disgusting!

This post brought to you by Hate Week and Godric's Goat Feed.

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Re: The Irony Chef (HW)

Postby Australia » Tue Aug 21, 2018 11:10 pm

And we’re back. If you haven’t taken your quiche out of the oven yet and your house hasn’t burned down, that’s a shame; that insurance money could have gone towards ingredients for the rest of the season for you to cook along. Regardless, it should be well and truly burned by now, so take it out and serve. Your guests must be starving.

But while you’re busy carving, it’s one thing to have the essence of Deathclaw Puncher, but serving the Anti-Christ is exactly the same as serving Christ, you have to give the body as-well as the soul, or lack thereof, so let’s make some smoothies to wash down that ugly essence and if DP’s face is anything to go by, the Deathclaw Punch should come out even uglier than the quiche. Now, steal one of your guest’s sentimental treasures, pawn it and buy the following ingredients:

Bruised fruit
Flint water

Now, listen carefully to these steps because I’m not going to repeat them.

1. Stomp on the fruit.
2. Mop up the juice and wring it into your guests’ shoes. If a guest came in flip-flops, simply use an ash-tray or drinking glass if you own such a thing.
3. Add water.
4. Fart.

Presto. You’ve now put just as much effort into your drink as DP does into her appearance.

Stay tuned for a dessert that is literally to die for.

This nutritional update brought to you by Hate Week and ants. Because that's how you get ants.
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Re: The Irony Chef (HW)

Postby sunglasses » Wed Aug 22, 2018 6:39 am

My goodness, what a tasty dish! I can completely taste the essence of DP.

Meanwhile, try this lovely dish I've created to really experience Piter:

You'll need-
1. Coheed and Cambria album
2. Beer that's been boiled for at least 2 hours
3. Calf liver
4. Beets
5. An old lady from Brooklyn's wig
6. Vinegar
7. The hope of a child that's been crushed horribly

Take these ingredients and blend them in a blender until they form a slurry.

Then drink the tears of a nun mixed with jaegermeister.

Then pound that slurry down like there's no tomorrow, because there's not-you have just drank Piter. I'm so, so, sorry.

hate......week.....coast to coast
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Re: The Irony Chef (HW)

Postby iMURDAu » Wed Aug 22, 2018 10:59 pm

Just curious about the Piter recipe, is the child's hope what has been crushed or is it the hope left behind by a child that was literally crushed and is now deceased? I can find the first ingredient anywhere, the other is nice if you've got one of those specialty grocers in your area. Are children halal or kosher? Whoops. Things you meant to type in the long bar above.

I'd leave a detailed recipe on how to make a dish that brings home the essence of Nathan Loiselle but I'm pretty sure anyone able to read this can make sense of the directions on a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, or as they call it in Candawa, Kraft Dinner. Put some ketchup on there and there's Nathan on a plate.

Hate Week, Unpeach the Present Tense!
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Re: The Irony Chef (HW)

Postby Deathclaw_Puncher » Wed Aug 22, 2018 11:23 pm

Australia wrote:
Presto. You’ve now put just as much effort into your drink as DP does into her appearance.

Hey, I make do with what I got! You, on the the other hand, destroyed your ugly Kiwi mug because you insist on that god-awful facial cleanser!

And boy, does it get awful! For it consists of:
1 can of pigs' brains in milk gravy
topsoil
Durian
licorice extract
duck poop fertilizer
The melted down DVD case of "Cool As Ice"

all mixed into a bowl with some flour and slathered onto your disgusting face!

This post is brought to you by Hate Week and Awoo Communications, Inc.!
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Re: The Irony Chef (HW)

Postby sunglasses » Wed Aug 22, 2018 11:58 pm

iMURDAu wrote:Just curious about the Piter recipe, is the child's hope what has been crushed or is it the hope left behind by a child that was literally crushed and is now deceased? I can find the first ingredient anywhere, the other is nice if you've got one of those specialty grocers in your area. Are children halal or kosher? Whoops. Things you meant to type in the long bar above.

I'd leave a detailed recipe on how to make a dish that brings home the essence of Nathan Loiselle but I'm pretty sure anyone able to read this can make sense of the directions on a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, or as they call it in Candawa, Kraft Dinner. Put some ketchup on there and there's Nathan on a plate.

Hate Week, Unpeach the Present Tense!


The first one, sorry, Murda. We aim for accessibility.
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Re: The Irony Chef (HW)

Postby Australia » Fri Aug 24, 2018 8:40 pm

Okay, now that we’ve consumed Deathclaw Puncher’s outsides and insides and returned from the hospital with a surprisingly big bill, both monetarily and nasally, it’s time to finish off the week’s meal with Deathclaw Puncher’s intelligence. That’s right, I’m finally revealing the patented recipe to the 10 Things I Hate About Stew cake. Why is it stew the noun in that title when it’s a cake? Well, that’s the kind of intelligence we’re working with here, people. Now listen carefully.

Ingredients:
Five sticks of butter – sticks from a tree dipped in the sap of said tree.
Nine gallons of milk – pay no attention to the spelling – gaseous balloons filled with bull’s milk. Do bulls even have milk? There’s only one way to find out.
One packet of cocoa – The case for the DVD of Coco.
One bottle of oil – Just scoop some up from the latest oil spill into an old water bottle.
Crate of eggs – Just take them out of that vulture’s nest. No, not your grandmother’s wig, an actual nest. Geez, you haven’t eaten even tasted it yet, what’s your excuse?
A grenade.

Steps:
Combine the ingredients.

People say you’re not supposed to eat raw materials and have to heat them first so do so with the grenade.

Scrape the cake off the walls and serve. You can use your blown off limbs as decorative candles.

That’s it for this week. Come back next time for my exciting new season based around toxic masculinity. We take the toxic very seriously but any gender can eat it.

This Hate Week post accepts no blame for any deaths or messy kitchens that may result from following this recipe.
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Re: The Irony Chef (HW)

Postby NathanLoiselle » Fri Aug 24, 2018 9:17 pm

How can I top this? This?! I blame iMURDAu for not trying hard enough.
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Re: The Irony Chef (HW)

Postby iMURDAu » Fri Aug 24, 2018 10:34 pm

Stand up for once, be an adult, and take responsibility for yourself.

That's all the effort I can muster for now in regards to posting about this. Ta ta.
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Re: The Irony Chef (HW)

Postby JamishT » Sat Aug 25, 2018 8:01 am

No one should try these recipes.

Except HowToBasic.
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