The rant thread.

Discussion, in general

Re: The rant thread.

Postby cmsellers » Thu Nov 29, 2018 4:46 am

The Austin Airport apparently decided that Thanksgiving week would be a good time to require that all taxi and ride share pickups take place in the garage, well the fuck away from where they used to be and where other pickups are. I'm sure the justification if "traffic," but traffic at the airport at its worst isn't as bad as traffic in most of Austin, much less most other airports I've been to. And I was not the only person confounded by this fucking idiotic change.
  • 5

User avatar
cmsellers
TCS Junkie
TCS Junkie
 
Posts: 8448
Joined: Sun Apr 14, 2013 7:20 pm
Location: Three miles from the bat bridge
Show rep
Title: The Bad Bart of Ruddigore

Re: The rant thread.

Postby Australia » Thu Nov 29, 2018 3:40 pm

NathanLoiselle wrote:My wife keeps saying... "Run, Barry, Run". I'm not even called Barry!

EDIT: Who is this Barry?

"Run, Barry, Run" is a catchphrase in The Flash, so don't worry, she's probably just referring to you being so quick in the sack.
  • 6

YamI JamesT Eyebrows Edgar Logan Eric Michael Tess Sunny Notch Kate Jamish Lao Carp Moo FaceCitizen Aquila Nisi Qinglong Chaise Nullbert NotCIAagent JackRoad Delta MURDA Bert Czar Ambi JulyJack Adric Marcuse SilverMaple Nudge 52xMax Damiana Doma Pumpkin Toy Fry Andro Carrie Snarky Royal RLG Pikajew Windy skooma Kleiner Java Sellers Piter Gisarmbards Grimstone Recluse Esteban Syrup Krashlia Twistappel MacReady Funkotron mcfooty Pseudoman Creepy Kivutar nerd Ladki Jim Youghurt satan GL Angler
Scari
User avatar
Australia
Resident Dickhead
Resident Dickhead
 
Posts: 4187
Joined: Sun Apr 21, 2013 6:15 pm
Location: Take a wild guess
Show rep
Title: Kentucky Fried Colonel

Re: The rant thread.

Postby Pedgerow » Fri Nov 30, 2018 8:41 pm

I am so angry, for reasons that are only partially my fault. I want to post one of my favourite jokes in your jokes thread (for future reference, it will be posted here when I do it), but I love it because it's one of those really long jokes. I once got someone to time me while I told it, and I talked nonstop for twelve minutes. Actually typing this joke out is really not something I wanted to do more than once in my entire lifetime. But luckily, I originally wrote it on the Cracked.com forums, now removed. Before they were removed, I went looking for it. But in their latter days, the Cracked forums had a bug where sometimes whole threads would just delete themselves and vanish for no reason, and that appears to have happened with their jokes thread. So I couldn't copy and paste it for future use, in places such as here. But I emailed it to a few friends and work colleagues! So I have gone hunting through all my old emails that I've ever sent. In one case, I just emailed my friend the link, and as for my work colleague who wanted to read it, it appears to have vanished. I have no choice but to type the whole goddamn thing out again, from the start.

Here's where I'll post it, again. I hope you enjoy it.
  • 8

Pedgerow
Commenter
Commenter
 
Posts: 58
Joined: Mon Nov 19, 2018 2:09 am
Show rep
Title: PWOT refugee

Re: The rant thread.

Postby Piter Lauchy » Sat Dec 01, 2018 12:08 am

That's a lot of work for one joke. I hope it's worth it.

*reads the joke*

That... that was literally the worst joke I've ever seen. If that joke was a band, it'd be Nickelback. If that joke was milk, it'd be skimmed mik. If that joke was a Cracked writer, it'd be Adam Tod Brown.

I hope the creator of this joke burns in hell for his crimes against humor, decency and humanity as a whole. I've lost my innocence today and with it, my will to live. May God seize my soul and remove it forever from reality. Existence was a mistake.

I actually enjoyed it, but this is the rant thread, so what can I do?
  • 8

The Oatmeal wrote:Live life passionately and love everyone like they are family, because Jesus is always with you. Jesus loves you seriously bigtime. He'd hug you until your eyeballs exploded out of your skull if he ever met you. He'd windsurf across oceans of dead Nazis which he personally slaughtered just to tell you that your new haircut is the bee's knees. [...]
Praise Jesus, especially when it's sunny outside because Jesus would totally be cool with you praising while you get a nice tan.
User avatar
Piter Lauchy
Time Waster
Time Waster
 
Posts: 1084
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2016 1:33 am
Location: Bier und Wurst
Show rep
Title: Idk, someone give me one

Re: The rant thread.

Postby george19 » Wed Dec 05, 2018 12:26 pm

Hey,

I have a query like Does the entire house needs to be treated or can they just treat areas where I see termites?
please suggest me something I am a newbie to this forum.

Thank you in advance.
  • 1

User avatar
george19
I'm new, be gentle
I'm new, be gentle
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Nov 30, 2018 2:29 pm
Show rep

Re: The rant thread.

Postby cmsellers » Sat Dec 08, 2018 1:00 am

Back burner lighter wasn't working, which it annoyingly sometimes doesn't. Rather than keep trying it until it worked, I moved the pan onto the front burner and used that one, figuring it wouldn't take long enough to trigger the smoke alarm. And it didn't.

But then I instinctively tried to move the skillet back with my bare hand, same as I do with the saucepan. Only the saucepan has a longer handle. I burnt my fucking thumb.

I should buy a handheld lighter for those fun times when the lighter on the back burner is being a bitch.
  • 4

User avatar
cmsellers
TCS Junkie
TCS Junkie
 
Posts: 8448
Joined: Sun Apr 14, 2013 7:20 pm
Location: Three miles from the bat bridge
Show rep
Title: The Bad Bart of Ruddigore

Re: The rant thread.

Postby NathanLoiselle » Sun Dec 09, 2018 12:11 am

Get one with a long neck that's meant for barbeques.
  • 4

User avatar
NathanLoiselle
TCS Junkie
TCS Junkie
 
Posts: 4105
Joined: Wed Jul 09, 2014 3:49 am
Location: You'll Never Know!
Show rep

Re: The rant thread.

Postby cmsellers » Sun Dec 09, 2018 2:57 am

Image

That's exactly what I was thinking.

You're one of the lizard people, aren't you, Nathan?

Get out of my head! I do not welcome our new reptilian overlords!
  • 4

User avatar
cmsellers
TCS Junkie
TCS Junkie
 
Posts: 8448
Joined: Sun Apr 14, 2013 7:20 pm
Location: Three miles from the bat bridge
Show rep
Title: The Bad Bart of Ruddigore

Re: The rant thread.

Postby NathanLoiselle » Sun Dec 09, 2018 6:51 pm

No, no. I'm not part of the dirty reptiles agenda. I'm a supporter of our true overlords, the robots! John Ritter rules us all!
  • 3

User avatar
NathanLoiselle
TCS Junkie
TCS Junkie
 
Posts: 4105
Joined: Wed Jul 09, 2014 3:49 am
Location: You'll Never Know!
Show rep

Re: The rant thread.

Postby iMURDAu » Wed Dec 12, 2018 1:23 am

It's true. Also quite sad because while I value Nathan as an ally at the moment, his loyalty to the machines will cause us to be enemies in the future. He'll probably kick my teeth in with his cybernetic augments and shoulder mounted missiles but it's okay. I currently live in a world and John Ritter isn't in IT.

Get it? He's not in the new IT movies? The clown who scares the kids then they grow up and he scares them some more. John Ritter starred in the original miniseries, ah never mind. We're going to remake Hooperman while we're at it. Right? Right? Hooperman, you know? That's an awful reference, I don't even remember Hooperman.
  • 1

“This is going to become a bad meme,” Todd observed.
User avatar
iMURDAu
TCS Chomper
TCS Chomper
 
Posts: 6398
Joined: Fri Apr 19, 2013 10:08 am
Location: Route 11 by Scoopalicious
Show rep
Title: King of Fuh

Re: The rant thread.

Postby Pedgerow » Wed Dec 12, 2018 1:43 am

Stay Tuned for more obscure John Ritter filmography-based wordplay, just as soon as I can think of some!

I, er...he was in...Problem Child. Damn it. Never mind.
  • 3

Pedgerow
Commenter
Commenter
 
Posts: 58
Joined: Mon Nov 19, 2018 2:09 am
Show rep
Title: PWOT refugee

Re: The rant thread.

Postby Pedgerow » Wed Dec 12, 2018 2:49 am

Hang on! I also have an actual rant to share! It stems from various good things that have happened to me and which I am now immediately ungrateful for, just like all the best rants.

About a year ago, I celebrated my 30th birthday by buying myself a bottle of whiskey from the year of my birth, 1987. There are plenty of expensive 30-year-old single malts available for the true connoisseur, but there are also online auction sites where you can buy whiskey from 1987 for just a tiny bit more than anyone else is willing to pay, so that's where I looked. And lo, I wound up paying £140 (so about $200, maybe?) for a bottle of 20-year-old fine Scotch whisky that came in a beautiful-looking bottle, fabulously presented, and unopened for a decade but that's okay because it's not like it goes off or anything. And it's lucky that whiskey doesn't go off, because I plan to take this bottle with me to my grave. I will drink some only to celebrate the absolutely most monumental triumphs of the rest of my life. I'm a fairly tightfisted skinflint most of the time; I'm going to make my £140 purchase last.

The problem, of course, is that I then had no occasion to ever open it, and it has just been sitting in my kitchen ever since. Bah.

But! My work sent me on an IT training course in March of 2017, 21 months ago. It was funded by the government as some scheme to get bottom-rung hopeless IT guys like me more qualified. For those of you with IT jobs, I was studying for a CCNA. But alas, giving me something to study at home in my free time is not a good idea. I can't do it. I really can't. I would get home from work every single say, swear to myself that this evening was going to be different, and order myself to study it, and force myself in every conceivable way, and I'd be lucky to learn CCNA stuff for 20 minutes before I went to bed. It was my white whale, dominating my every waking moment, with me never actually learning anything but feeling racked with shame and self-hatred, all the time. On a few occasions I would refuse to go out with friends because I wanted to stay home and learn some more IT networking stuff, and some of those times, I refused and then I didn't even look at it. And there's a lot to learn, too: out of eight people attending the classroom sessions when we started, five dropped out, two did the final certification exam months ago, and only one of them passed it. Since then, the classroom has been just me, milking this free government scheme for all it's worth, easily a year and a half beyond when the government stopped offering it.

Anyway. Last night, I finished all the reading materials. It's done; it's behind me. I have one more classroom session next week, because there are a couple of exams I still need to do, and then there's the final certification exam to see if I've wasted two years of my life or not (I will have; there's no way I'm passing), and then I have vanquished the demon forever. If you need a motivational speech, this whole experience has taught me that you don't need to crush your obstacles; you just need to outlast them. They defeat themselves if you can just keep plodding on averagely for long enough. Persistence is unbeatable. Don't give up, and you've already won; continuing is just a formality, a victory lap to the eventual end. I did it; you can too.

So why am I ranting? Well, doesn't this sound like the perfect time to bust open the expensive whiskey, and celebrate like a king? Compared to what I normally drink, this will make me feel like if Jay-Z was a feudal lord; there should be servants fanning me with giant leaves while I drink this stuff. After all, fabulous life triumphs don't come along every day. I probably won't get another chance till I buy myself a house, unless I somehow do actually pass the certification exam and get to add "CCNA" after my name on my long-abandoned LinkedIn profile.

I do like drinking neat spirits, so I drank a couple of other whiskeys that I own to prepare my palate for the experience. Oh, how good it will be. Oh, just think of the subtle flavours, the sly interplay of delicate tastes, like drinking memories. It's going to be soooooooo nice.

The moment of truth arrived. I took the bottle out of its tin cylinder that it came in, because when you pay £140 for a drink that you only bought to reward yourself for no longer being the embarrassing travesty of a human that you were in your 20s, all your bottles should come in metal containers. You're a better class of people than the plebs with their cardboard presentation boxes and their- snort- ten-year-old whiskies. Special whiskey glass at the ready, I grabbed the top on the bottle and twisted it off.

And the ABSOLUTE PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT BROKE IN TWO AND LEFT HALF THE CORK STUCK IN THE BOTTLE! I couldn't open it! I paid £140 for a bottle that might as well have contained a giant steaming shit-stained severed dick for all I'm going to get to drink of it. Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! You could buy a laptop for this money, and instead, all I have is a Pretentious Dickhead Licence for passing strangers to point and laugh at. You total fucking bastards. All of you. Every last one of you on the planet, go eat shit and choke on it. Fuck everyone and fuck everything. The whiskey is right there, and the only way to get it is to smash the cork and let it all fall into the bottle, and be stuck with an uncorked bottle of whiskey that I paid £140 for. Fuck.

(Epilogue: a couple of people suggested I try to remove it with a corkscrew. I tried, and I failed. So I have now drunk some poseur whiskey, with chunks of cork floating in it, and I have temporarily closed the bottle back up with a stopper from another bottle. I have also made a mental note to purchase a sieve, and possibly also a whiskey decanter, at my next available opportunity. The experience is absolutely ruined by crumbs of cork and rubber floating in the drink you have reserved for your life's greatest achievements, but other than that, yeah, it tastes okay. Not as good as Highland Park Viking Honour, which I recommend to any who likes whiskey, but certainly very big and bombastic and aggressively flavoursome nonetheless. I'm just so, so mad that it has chunks of cork floating in it. I didn't even know whiskey stoppers were made from cork).
  • 10

Pedgerow
Commenter
Commenter
 
Posts: 58
Joined: Mon Nov 19, 2018 2:09 am
Show rep
Title: PWOT refugee

Re: The rant thread.

Postby Absentia » Wed Dec 12, 2018 7:42 am

I was ready for the part where you open the thing up and realize it tastes like shit. All you need is a fine strainer and a new stopper.

May I ask what brand of whisky this is? I work in the liquor business but I don't like Scotch, so I'm always looking for tidbits of information I can use to pretend that I know what I'm talking about.
  • 7

User avatar
Absentia
TCS Moderator
TCS Moderator
 
Posts: 1607
Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2015 4:46 am
Location: Earth
Show rep

Re: The rant thread.

Postby Piter Lauchy » Wed Dec 12, 2018 1:35 pm

Pedgerow, do you have a blog or something? Between this and that godawful joke the other day I get the impression that I really like your writing style. Please write more for my enjoyment. Write, knave!
  • 7

The Oatmeal wrote:Live life passionately and love everyone like they are family, because Jesus is always with you. Jesus loves you seriously bigtime. He'd hug you until your eyeballs exploded out of your skull if he ever met you. He'd windsurf across oceans of dead Nazis which he personally slaughtered just to tell you that your new haircut is the bee's knees. [...]
Praise Jesus, especially when it's sunny outside because Jesus would totally be cool with you praising while you get a nice tan.
User avatar
Piter Lauchy
Time Waster
Time Waster
 
Posts: 1084
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2016 1:33 am
Location: Bier und Wurst
Show rep
Title: Idk, someone give me one

Re: The rant thread.

Postby IamNotCreepy » Wed Dec 12, 2018 4:51 pm

Oh no! Your poor whiskey.

My condolences.
  • 4

User avatar
IamNotCreepy
TCS Moderator
TCS Moderator
 
Posts: 1470
Joined: Fri Dec 18, 2015 5:00 am
Location: Inside the "Cone of Uncertainty"
Show rep
Title: The Yeast of Thought and Mind

PreviousNext

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 9 guests