Today is local elections day across Her Majesty's United Kingdom, and I have, as always, been looking forward to voting for a leftfield party that represents my views. In the last general election two years ago, I was torn between the lovable Green Party and a trip on Krazy Korbyn's Labour Train, and in the end I voted Green to keep up the diversity of left-wing politics (this was back when everyone loved Jeremy Corbyn and all millennials everywhere were voting for him). Anyway, there was also an even madder left-wing party, the Women's Equality Party. I wished them well, confident that they were so obscure that they would vanish without trace, but you can only vote for one party so they got nothing from me.
Fast forward to today, and I went to vote for my local council, wondering once again what delightful outsiders would pique my interest and fascinate me as deeply as 2017's Women's Equality Party. But the Women's Equality Party were on the ballot again! So I voted for them! I am now, officially, a Women's Equality Party voter! A male one, at that!
Honestly, I feel like such a tool. I wish I'd voted Green. I'm all for abolishing the tampon tax and things like that, but
their policies are so wishy-washy and just can't compete with Green things that everyone can enjoy, like trees and bicycles and solar panels and beard combs and ukuleles. When a small percentage of people made protest votes in 2016, the finely-balanced scales were tipped so that Brexit actually won the referendum, despite my subsequent complaining. Have I learnt nothing from the ensuing chaos?
The results will be announced overnight, so in the next 12 hours or so. All I can picture in my head is the Green Party losing by one vote. They'll lose, and the candidate will cry, and the Green Party will be banned from politics forever for being too lame, and it will be all my fault. The Women's Equality Party will romp to a landslide victory, and that'll be great news obviously, but they'll invite me to their celebration party, and cleaning the toilets will be the former Green candidate. He or she will look at me, and they'll
know.