by RainyDays » Sat Oct 21, 2017 3:30 am
This was going to be a rant post, but I've mellowed on it. Also it's ridiculous. I'm ridiculous. Sorry this got crazy long.
I flubbed my practical this week. Like, I could have done just as well if I had walked into the assessment room with a bowling ball and repeatedly dropped it on my own foot while the proctor watched in bemusement. I would have gotten sympathy points for that. It was probably the easiest practical I've had, I was more than prepared for it, and yet I walked in and proceeded to do every single thing wrong short of setting my hair on fire. It was embarrassing, and I knew I was doing it, and yet I continued.
This has been a pattern for me lately. I take the easiest of tasks, and uncover the stupidest mistake I can possibly make. It's like a super power. They should give awards for making stupid mistakes on easy things. I would not win it, because I would find a way to mess it up.
My brain has been so foggy and uncooperative lately. Not just on this, but in a lot of ways. I can feel how sluggishly I'm thinking, and it's aggravating to be aware of it but not know how to kick myself back into the right gear. But a big part of it is me, psyching myself out. I let mistakes overwhelm me and feed the cycle. I have this nagging drive telling me I have to constantly do better think better be better, and it's hard to tell a series of slips from a spiral. Every time I screw up, I think: This is it, the limit of my abilities. All downhill from here. I knew I couldn't fake it forever.
Here's the thing: I passed my practical. By the skin of my teeth, and good lord do I feel dumb, but I passed. Pretty sure they just didn't want to make me retest, because I cannot exaggerate what a disaster I was. And I was still upset, because I knew what I was doing and managed to bungle it, and I could end up with a B in the class. Oh, the horror?
How did I become such a perfectionist? I never cared about GPA, or grades; I was always mellow on the administrative details and more focused on actually getting something out of my education. I seriously didn't even know my own GPA at any point in my education until now. Never cared. Shouldn't care now. I'm not a Type A person, and the more I try to cram into that box, the less comfortable a fit it is. That might be part of why my brain is dragging its lazy little feet so much. Maybe I should stop trying to kick it into gear and instead coax it gently into cooperating. With low-stress crossword puzzles and soothing music, or whatever brains like. I don't know, mine doesn't get along with me too well.
I vented about this to my mom earlier, and her response was, "Yeah, but you always do better with bigger challenges." And that's actually true; I do my worst on the easiest things for some bizarre reason and always have -- my stupid super power. This isn't going to decide my future, nor really matter in the long run. If I had to pick something to crash on, might as well be this. I doubt a future interviewer is going to ask why I flopped on such an easy task, and if they do, well, I'll bounce on to something else. And all the other stupid mistakes I've been making... I'm setting myself up for self-fulfilling prophecies of failure (or, you know, A minuses. The horror. Have I mentioned I'm ridiculous?) I need to relax and stop fixating on the wrong things. I might still keep making stupid mistakes and feeling downtrodden over it, but I already know obsessing over it doesn't help. Hard habit to break, but I'm trying.
So, hopefully I put on a good comedy sketch for my proctor. And I can take this as a lesson to chill out.