by ButtChocolate » Fri May 10, 2013 5:15 pm
It happens when I'm counting something out, or measuring something. Before I *actually* count or measure, I just grab an arbitrary handfull or stack of whatever it is, or make a pencil mark where I just *think* I should [cut a piece of wood or paper or whatever] and then I count or measure and find out... HOLY SHIT, I WAS RIGHT ON THE MONEY WITHOUT EVEN TRYING TO BE! Like if I needed a stack of 57 pieces of paper, and I automatically grab 57 sheets of paper on my very first try...! Or if I need to cut some material to be 3 and 5/16 inches, so I just guess and make a mark- and when I get a ruler it's RIGHT AT 3 and 5/16 inches! I LOVE when that happens!
Right then and there, I get the feeling that the whole fucking UNIVERSE just aligned and was channeled through my hands, for the sole purpose of allowing me to instinctively analyze, measure, and quantify the materials or objects in front of me- to be in tune with them. I am they, and they are me! It feels like a goddamn superpower...! I want to just start running up to people and SUPERGUESSTIMATING whatever they're doing!
"Hey! Don't bother hitting that Word Count command in MS Word! You have 2,347 words in that document... you're welcome."
"Hey! You! Construction guy! Yeah, you! You're off by 3/16 inches! You cut that framing beam there, you'll have a shimming nightmare on your hands!!!"
"Don't bother weighing this bag of produce at the register. It's exactly 6.27 lbs of apples. Trust me."
But alas, the power fades as instantly as it came to me. The universe only teases me with just a glimpse of my full potential. I desperately grasp at a pile of pennies to try to kickstart this mutant ability and keep it going. "Uh, Uh, 73 cents...!" *counts handfull* "FUCK! IT'S ONLY 64 CENTS! DAMMIT! DAMMIT!!!" I hang my head, defeated. The power is gone, and I am once again only a normal human being. Perhaps someday, though, in our darkest hour... when it's needed most... the Universe will allow the power to flow back into me and save us all. "There are 58,729 jelly beans in that jar... Mr. President."